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My AH loves to tell me that I treat him disrespectfully. Usually he mutters it under his breath. On the rare occassion that he comes right out and says it, I usually end up apologizing rather than engaging in something I believe will end up being non-productive. Here's what I would really like to say:
Respect is earned, not given freely. Remember the golden rule? If you want to be treated with respect, then treat me with respect and behave respectfully. It is disrespectful to me when you:
- take my car and use up the last 1/4 tank of gas over and over again - smoke in my car when I have asked you not to over and over - make a mess in the kitchen and don't clean up after yourself (right after I clean the kitchen), - rack up $480 in overdraft fees on a checking account you have had open for less than a month. - use $6 of the last $12 of my itunes gift certificate buying songs by bands you know I detest (including the theme song to the Dukes of Hazzard!) - drive around drinking instead of working, then wonder why we are in debt - get bombed, be mean to me, not shower for a week, then get angry when I won't let you sleep in my bed. - try to turn every problem in our house around on me rather than take responsiblity for yourself (I know you work, take care of the house, and bills, and child, but if you would only help me do my work too (because I spend most of my time drinking) then we would have more money). - want me to sit on the sofa drinking with you all weekend instead of doing housework/yardwork/something fun, so that you won't feel guilty about sitting on the sofa drinking all weekend.
I don't really know where I have gone with this or where I am going with it, I just needed to vent. Thanks, Babysteps
I am glad you vented here, it helps all of us. You know for a long time I took the accusations at face value and just felt bad for letting her down. Even if I didn't think I had done that ... how could I possibly have misled her into thinking that...
Well... after that driving me crazy for years, and coming to the program, I now do it a little different. I have this bucket...
If it's a wild ranting accusation that is ridiculous... into the bucket If it's a subtle, possibly true defect, I think about it... later when I can take the emotions out and look at it objectively. If it's junk ... into the bucket If I am honest with myself... it may be true. Then I do my best to work on it.
I guess what I am getting at is the bucket ... is big! It is full of all the things my wife says which has no purpose other than to make me angry or guilty, and that is what she needs so she doesn't have to feel guilty as bad.
When I sit back and be real honest with myself and my actions ... I found that my wife had very little to say (while active anyway) that didn't end up in the bucket. It's sad but true.
I have a little room left in my bucket if you need to borrow it. :) Thanks for sharing that!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What he is doing is classic Denial. Turning it all back on you. Somewhere in there he knows he is disrespecting your things but if he blames you, it takes the focus off of him. That's what can make us insane..lol We know the truth but they turn it around and hand the BS to us on a platter.
It's like standing outside on a bright sunny day and someone telling you, "you are crazy, it's storming!"..all while you are looking at the sun.
I knew not to argue w/a drunk so I usually waited until mine was sober and gave him the laundry list of things that pissed me off..lol That never did me much good either but I felt better.
I could only protect myself as best I could against the actions. The words "over and over again" stuck out in your post. The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect different results.
I guess you could either accept that this is what he does, or change it so he can't do it... For example, If you can't stop him from using your car ( does he have his own?), I'd probably put only the gas I needed in it. I'm bullheaded enough to get a gallon of gas a day if I had to..lol He'd be forced to put gas in when he used it. If he ran out, he'd have to figure it out himself.
Controlling? Maybe. Stopping a part of the circle of insanity...Priceless
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My a does the same "under the breath" think. It's so passive aggressive. Sounds like your a is just being passive aggressive in so many ways. I don't know what to say other than do what you have to do to protect yourself. If that's accepting or if that's enforcing boundaries you'll have to decide. You can't control how he is going to react or the things he says and does. But you can control you. Serenity prayer helps me. I also keep reminding myself to keep my side of the street clean. When my a starts the insulting me under his breath routine, I ask him to stop. If he won't, I leave the room; hum to myself; whatever I need to do so I don't have to listen to him. He wants to bait me. He's trying to make me upset. I try to remember that. I have the power to control myself and I fight with everything I have not to lose my temper. It's hard. But the serenity prayer really does help me gain perspective.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that I spoke condesendingly to my A. I was so pissed off when he said I did that -- I went right to my sponsor and let her have an ear full of what BS that was and how he was an Arse and all of what I did for him. Then she said, "Well you know, you can be that way." HUH?... She kindly stopped me and made me look at myself because that's where my focus needed to be. My A said something I didn't like and I turned the spotlight on him and all his defects. I was screaming Yeah but LOOK at YOU!
It was a truth I didn't want to accept, but eventually I did. This was my experience, that when I heard something I didn't like, even from the A I had to hold it up and look at it with honest eyes. If it held any truth I knew what I needed to do, and if it didn't I knew then too.
The slogan "Let it begin with me" is a good one...it works. As far as respect being earned, well I'd agree with trust being earned...but respect is a reflection of ourselves. If I give respect it is because I respect myself enough not to go down to someone elses level, I give it whether they deserve it or not because that is a reflection of who I am.
Boundries with consequences may help with some of those things on your list.
