The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In about 10 days, my husband will be sober 90 days. In the beginning it was great. He seemed to really realize what a shi* he had been. I actually could have a conversation with him and no longer had to wonder how long it would take for him to pass out every night.
For the past month he has been extremely moody and edgy. His temper has flared on numerous occasions and, in general, he has been a total jerk. Is this a personality flaw, or is this a side effect from him stopping drinking? This was the way he acted when he was drinking (I know he isn't drinking). It almost seems like he wants to give up. During one particularly nasty argument he said "I don't even know why I quit drinking!" I was like "What the hell does that mean." I don't know. I am pretty confused. All I do know is that I didn't stick by him all these months and years for this.
Sash, my AH gets moody like that as well and its usually when something is really bothering him in his life that he's having trouble coping with and coping with it sober. Often he would use that anger to launch attacks on me, the program, or himself and the particular situation. I have learned to stay clear from him when he gets like this. I try not to engage too much in conversation because he tends to be defensive and combative. Everything I say at that point is argued. I'd rather not beat my head against a wall with him. So, I try and get out of the house with the kids for a while, go to my brother's, or I just disappear into a room where ever he isn't and try to get some peace about me. I want to say it gets better but I'll leave that question up to those whose loved ones have more recovery time. In those friends or acquaintances that have more recovery time, the anger and moodiness dissipates for them because more skills are developed and used. So hang in there.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm faily new to all this too. So I'm just going to tell you what Iv'e learned.... Yes, this is common, they don't know how to deal with their feelings and life issues without the aid of something. Just because they are sober doesn't mean the erratic actions of the drunk are magically fixed. The behavior that went along with it will remain unless they work through their issues. The saying "Stinkin thinkin", used in AA sums it up best for me. Al-anon lliterature helped me understand what was going on. As far as the comment "I don't even know why I quit drinking!", yeah Iv'e heard that one before too. I'll say this with ease, (but I know the actions are not easy). Don't react to it, leave the comment alone. It's is job to figure out why he's doing this, and I know he wants to give up. It's easier then being sober. My thoughts are with you, and keep posting....there are alot of supportive people here...you can get support you haven't had for awhile and won't be able to get from your husband right now.
My experience is, it is not much better unless they are going to AA, living AA,talking program and using all the tools they have.
I have tools I always use learned from Al Anon. Saying the serenity prayer, telling myself everything is ok over and over, knowing it is a disease, don't take it personal. let go, let hp on and on.
If an A has no "tools" they are just not drinking, that is all. Not changing any A behaviors, not changing their lives to be more appropriate and happy.
Recovering A's seem to work on new attitudes. Instead of thinking, this house is a toilet or a money pit, they are thinking, Hmmm what can I do to make or house a home today? Lets clean the gutters, paint the trim, mow the lawn.
cussing out the dogs becuz they are tracking in mud, hmmm I am going to go get a load of shavings and fence off an area just for the dogs...
Wake up and push the negative stuff away, surrendering to hp. Always have a positive thought, today I don't have to drink, today I will do one thing for me. Today I am happy.
Today I will feel better. Not today, need money for drug, gas for car, sell my drill and circular saw to get drug, get drug do drug, throw up, drive get dui, mess my pants....
A change of attitude is work, it is all part of recovery.
Waking up knowing there is a meeting or two and I am going to the noon meeting. come home and take the kids outside and plant flowers for mom.
Or get up, feel ok, get dressed and think I can go to work feel sure of myself, have integrity, smile, bring a good lunch, maybe bring the big book to read.
Call my sponsor...
A "program of recovery" is vital. sure some people say, I can do it on my own. yea right, well I betcha those around them are wishing they had a plan of recovery that included not lieing anymore, facing hard things like grief, being part of the family, not focusing your yourself all the time...
Does all this make sense?
Just the fact that he said what he did, why am I not using? shows me he is in relapse, just has not used yet. Relapse is not just doing the needle, swalling the pills, drinking the drink. It is a path to relapse with all the aisms stronger than the plan of recovery.
Just my experience. My love to you. Maybe your A would like to go to an open meeting with you?
If not, then of course it is YOU using your tools hon. much love,debilyn
Thanks you guys!! I'll take your advice. The kicker is that he attends AA every night! I am really scared and nervous about relapse though. I am really trying hard not to open my mouth when his mood is foul. This is soooo hard for me to do!!
Wow! 90 days, that's great! I too will always worry about relapse. That first year is always the most dangerous. Having said that, an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. Turn him over to his HP and let them do the rest. He has to work his program the way he wants too, not the way we think he should.
I understand the moodiness. Remember for however long your husband was drinking he had all those emotions squashed by the booze. It may be part of dry personality. It may be that he's a dry drunk. It may just be that he's trying to figure things out. One thing that has been the saving grace for mine, was despite the chronic relapsing he has a really good councelor and psychiatrist and group sessions. Because of his other mental illnesses: being abused by his mom, spinning thoughts, etc. they were able to help him through all these things. AA helped him understand what was going on as well.
Remember keep working your program. The dynamics of a sober relationship are different from an active one. May you both continue to recover and enjoy the journey together.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Yes, I truly believe that things do get better for both. Hubby has passed his 1 year mark, and I passed mine.
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
. I'll say this with ease, (but I know the actions are not easy). Don't react to it, leave the comment alone. It's is job to figure out why he's doing this, and I know he wants to give up. It's easier then being sober. My thoughts are with you, and keep posting....there are alot of supportive people here...you can get support you haven't had for awhile and won't be able to get from your husband right now.
I too will always worry about relapse. That first year is always the most dangerous. Having said that, an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. Turn him over to his HP and let them do the rest. He has to work his program the way he wants too, not the way we think he should.
