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"What goes around, comes around" was recently mentioned in a post. Some of us Alanoners are waiting for the A's to get their payback for all the suffering they cause and have caused.
My 16 mo. sober husband was home this week from Alaska (he's working there) and we discussed that sentence a bit and how the relatives and friends wish and wait for something to "come around" and punish them.
I thought I'd share what he said to me. "What they don't realize is that every single day living in the disease is hell for an alcoholic too. Every single morning it comes around again. He said he felt like a total sh*t every time he chose the booze over us, every time. His disease allowed him to make mental excuses to go to the bar instead of come home. To drink, instead of a planned family fun day. But in the back of his mind he always knew what was right. The "what goes around comes around" came every day, with every drink. He said it is truly like having the devil himself control your thoughts. Every good intention is sabatoged with the overpowering need to drink. Now that he is sober, he is very grateful for the chance to live his life, but what he has done to himself and others still "comes around".
This was just my husband's view. He can't speak for all alcoholics but it was a little insight as to what he was feeling all those yrs..
I know there is some real resentment and disgust toward alcoholics and the things they do and get away with. I've been there lots of times. As I look back I had huge resentment over having to deal with everything. Kids, bills, home repair, car repair, insurance, school etc. I thought he was living a happy go lucky care free life and I handled everything. It wasn't that way at all for him. He lived in hell too. He was just real good at making it look to me like "all is well".."I'm good". At first the performance was for me. Then it was for him. Can you imagine how it is to mentally tell yourself "all is fine, I'm ok" but then have something else control your body and make you someone you hate, someone that's hurts the people you love?
Just food for thought.....
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 12:52, 2007-06-11
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks, I think what comes around is what's meant to not necessarily what we feel they deserve. I agree, I have tried to go out and pull a him in the past but just don't have it in me to do it. I don't think it's very much fun although it appears that way because they don't have to be responsible. I used to think of the kids as a burden, I have to deal with everything... but now I think of them as a blessing - he's all alone in a jail cell and I have them 24/7 all their love!
Thanks for sharing your husbands thoughts, Christy.
you wrote: "Can you imagine how it is to mentally tell yourself "all is fine, I'm ok" but then have something else control your body and make you someone you hate, someone that's hurts the people you love?"
I don't have to imagine it. If I change the sentence slightly to "Can you imagine how it is to mentally tell yourself "all is fine, I'm ok" but then have someone else control your mind and make you someone you hate, someone that hurts the people you love" and then we are talking about me. And yes, it was my choice, sorta, to allow that to happen to me. Just as it is their choice, sorta, to allow the disease to make them that way too. So yes, I certainly can have compassion, and I do. Perhaps none of us knew we had a choice at the time, I know I did not. Thats part of the gift of this program that allows me to be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my ex wife and my two step sons. Because I know I wasnt able to control my behaviors and actions at the time due to my obsessive attempts to control others. My obssession with my wife's actions. My codependency. My disease. I did the best I could with what I had at the time.
I am so happy for you that your husband is doing so well. You are truly so blessed to have him there with you to tell you things like that. I wish all of us could experience that kind of healing first hand. It certainly does help me to know how "they" think. Which is why I go to AA functions/meetings all the time. It has been crucial to my being able to truly forgive my ex-wife, without having the opportunity to hear from her own lips the inner struggle that went on within her.
I know, when he said it I thought the same thing. Change the wording a bit and it was me too. Thing is, I never thought of him feeling the same way.
He had me completely fooled as to how he thought. He always minimized how awful the disease is and glamourized any consequences, while never admitting that it hurt anyone. He never told me how much he hated it too. I was convinced that he really didn't see the devistation. Truth was, he did. He saw it, he knew it...but at some point there is a takeover of mind, body and spirit where choice seems like a faraway land, too far out of reach, too scary.. (hmmm, that sounded pretty familiar too).
Anyway, for those that think the A's are walking around carefree, there may be a whole different thing going on inside then what you may not imagine, so have some compassion OR know there is revenge ..whichever one floats your boat :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
As always you make a great point. Their symptoms and our own are very similar in certain ways. I do think that knowing the right thing to do and not being able to follow through with it is a certain circle of hell. I know it is when I do it!
Thank you for sharing that!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My AH has told me how it was for him, too. He hated what he was doing, but couldn't quit.
The only things I can compare that to in my life are co-dependency and overeating. I hated the way I acted to, but I didn't know what else to do.
The overeating for me has been similar to alcoholism because I've had very little control over it. I needed a 12-step program to help then and I still need it.
Alcoholism is, of course, more dangerous to others and isn't socially acceptable like overeating seems to be. So I do have compassion for anyone who gets hooked on alcohol or drugs. I've seen what it does to families, especially children.
I think everyone connected to an alcoholic or drug addict goes through hell, as do Al-Anoners. I'm just so thankful that there is a way to recover - AA for addicts and Al-Anon for those affected by someone elses drinking whether co-dependent or not. It's not a beautiful sight to watch someone else go down the drain and not be able to do a darn thing about it except pray that they wake up enough to get help. I'm sure waking up to get help is not easy to do with an alcohol saturated brain.
I thank God every day that I didn't choose alcohol/drugs to cope with my pain.
I'd never wish on anybody the pain alcoholism has brought me or my husband. For me, it was more than enough to hear him say how much he hated himself, to pull me close and tell me how scared he was. It was so heartbreaking that this thing could take such control of him.
The more I hear the stories of others, the more I believe that guilt is the biggest pusher for addicts. It's like the addiction is a train, and the guilt just pushes it along the tracks. It's all awful, no matter how it touches us.
Christy, Thank you for sharing that. You are the most compassionate person I know, I do believe. That is good insight for those of us who wonder or flounder.
Amen! Thank you for posting that. I read hubby the post and he agrees with it 150%. While he understands the anger and resentment directed at addicts, he tries not to think about it. He always reminds me that as addicts they don't need any help beating themselves up. I've always said that I fell in love with the man, not the addict. I loved him no less because he had a disease. The more I went to open AA meetings with him, the more I came to understand their fight and their hell. I can remember openly weeping at one where a man discussed the loss of his family. The torment he was in was agony to watch. I went up to him after the meeting and put my arms around him. I told him that forgiveness is possible and not to give up hope. Addicts are human beings too, and deserve to be loved. Thanks for reminding us of that. Give your hubby a big old hug for me.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn, Hubby and Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
ShelBell wrote: The more I hear the stories of others, the more I believe that guilt is the biggest pusher for addicts. It's like the addiction is a train, and the guilt just pushes it along the tracks. It's all awful, no matter how it touches us. SO true, my AH has done some things he's regretted while drunk, then gone into a major drinking binge right afterward. My AH has not said those words exactly (about it coming back on him or the guilt) but I he goes into bouts of depression afterward. I have asked him why, why can't he just get a soda instead when the guys are drinking and he can't give me an answer - he wants so bad to be able to control it, but it controls him and the spiral he began long ago is constantly being thrown in is face as a result of the consequences.
You are living with a recovering alcoholic dealing with his disease and staying sober. My active alcoholic H does not have the capability of feeling anything.His only goal is to get a few bucks to go get vodka and pretend he is not drunk.
I hope it never comes back around to your husband. Sobriety deserves success.
I have been drunk a few times in my life. One of those times I said and did things I should not have done. I had to do damage control the next day. I learned not to get drunk anymore.
I cannot imagine going through that every day. Saying "oh shit what did I do" and being addicted to the substance at the same time. I would sure as hell get drunk again to forget.
I do not excuse a person's behaviour ever but I sure understand it sometimes.
I am thankful that I am not in the alcoholic's shoes. These shoes hurt enough.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
"I was convinced that he really didn't see the devistation. Truth was, he did. He saw it, he knew it..."
Wonder what it feels like to watch relationships go sour when Al-As get furious. When A's are taking punishment some Al-Anons feel they deserve because drinking is bad do they agree with it because they feel guilty? I don't feel sorry for A's because of all the abuse they take from us when we react to what they are doing.
I'm sure the A has the same broken dreams that we have, and spends time comparing the way things are to the way they wanted their lives to turn out.
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"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."
•:*¨¨*:•.•:* ♥¨*:•.•:*¨¨ *:• Ancient Chinese Proverb
