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I have been married for 15 years and truly could take or leave sex. My husband and I have lost nearly any moments of intimacy in our marriage and it makes me sad. For me there needs to be an emotional connection, a kindness, communication etc. I realize that my issues are not solely about the A, but we have had a healthy sex life in the past, when the other parts of the imtimate relationship between us were also healthy. Now without that I have absolutely no desire. Part of me feels guilty and part does not. I look at it and say to myself, there are so many things in this marriage that I need and want and am not getting... too bad for him. I have explained it in the past, but of course he is either not listening, doesn't understand or doesn't care. I have given in in the past only to feel more lonely afterward. The craziness of my disease sometimes makes me grateful that he may drink enough to pass out or come home so late that he won't bother me, just so I do not have to feel the guilt.
I think I am rambling now and this was a difficult issue for me to put out there but I know in my heart I am not alone, I cannot possibly be the only one feeling this way.
You are definitly not alone. I remember feeling exactly the same way. I remember talking to him about it and not talking to him about it. I remember when it was good and there were the things I needed being given. The emotional intimacy before the physical intimacy. But that went away. I remember feeling resentful for giving him what he wanted and not getting what I wanted. I hated him after a time. I don't know if it ever got better. I did get to a point where I let go of the resentment by being true to myself. It wasn't ideal or the way I foresaw my life being but I started living in reality and that seemed to work better for me. I only did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I stopped expecting him to think of me and my needs. He is a selfish alcoholic who only looks out for his needs and that's on a good day! I stopped giving in to his wants. It relieved me of alot of anger. I would still get resentful because it wasn't how it used to be or it would be so easy for him to give me what I needed and then our life would be swell....etc. This disease effects all aspects of our lives. It kills love, intimacy, well being, everything good. But we don't have to let it kill us...
You are not alone. I felt the same way. If I give in it will help the realationship. All it did was make me feel more lonely like you said. Finally I just told him I couldnt have Sex with him anymore because it made me feel awful afterwards. He didnt like it when I told him that. He moved out after that conversation. I really started working on my recoery and so did he. I feel much better about myself and where I am in my life. He has come back home since then. Working his program hard and so am I. Thngs are better but I know we have a long road ahead. Communication is what is working for us. He is also not drinking right now. 15 days sober. Had streches of 3- 10 days so this is good. I feel he is actually working on himself wich needs to be done before anything else matters. Wich is hard for me sometimes. But it is worth it to have him back home and trying to be a family again. Intamicy is much better now. he is listinig like never before and paying attention to me. Don't feel bad for feeling what you feel. It is your feelings and you have a right to those.
The "intimacy" issue in my marraige sounds very similar. I did at one time enjoy a very good sexual relationship with my husband. Now I can't bear the thought. Some of it is "where he's been", though he vehemently denies any infidelity (he also denies any PROBLEM with his alcoholism :) too ). He's gone for a week or two at a time with no contact with me. The "rest of it" is plain old emotional self preservation. I don't refuse because I'm punishing him. One thing I can't and won't do is "fake" physical intimacy for anyone else's sake.
And in my experience, it is deeply, deeply painful to refuse this integral part of marraige. It feels "wrong", like there's no marraige to speak of. But I gotta let that inform me.
Just one more ugly manifestation of the disease. Just one more 'consequence' of the disease we get to share with our A. The alternative and it's possibilities are an absolute NO for me.
I'm going to speak honestly about what it was like for me.
I wasn't getting the emotional part, the concern or one ounce of caring. I too would hope he'd pass out before he started bugging me about sex. There were many arguements. I tried talking, telling him what I needed. Nothing worked. So I used sex as a weapon, hey I wasn't getting what I wanted so damn if he was getting what he wanted. Great logic right??
Only now was I not only going with out the emotional support and concern.... I was going without sex too. So who was I really punishing? I mean, there were times that the reason I was denying him was because of how he'd pissed me off for being late, or being a arse or whatever the current offense was. When I let that part go, knowing that it was part of his disease well my resentments melted some.
I think back about that time in my life and I was so angry -- there is no doubt that even though every reason I gave was real -- what I was actually doing was trying to hurt him for hurting me.
Things got better for me for a while and then the disease progressed and interfered in other ways. What I learned was mostly about me, that I had needs and I couldn't expect my A to meet many of them and punishing him in any way to get him to act right just didn't work and only hurt me in the long run.
Again, this is just how I felt, what happened for me. This is a very emotionally tied topic and my heart goes out to you.
Thanks for posting. I struggle with this also and feel that intimacy is an integral part of marriage. I guess the questions I ask myself are, am I punishing him and trying to control his behaviour or am I feeling my own pain, anger and regret and being true to those feelings? I do have optimism though, that there is way to work through this. Best wishes on your road.
I highly recommend the Al-Anon book "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage." It gave me alot of insight into intimacy issues in a relationship with an A and the role that I play as the non-A.
It was actually a relief for me to learn that As don't "do" intimacy well--it is said that As live their lives in fear and self-loathing and true intimacy requires making yourself vulnerable to the other person. What can be more scary than that?? Even I have trouble doing that--especially when my A was active and I knew that if I opened myself up to him, the chances were high that he would use it against me to hurt me the next time he was drunk and angry with me.
Keep coming back!! You are not alone!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
SLS, I don't think that's a book I've read (or heard of! Where've I been??) Sounds like a must read, off to Amazon.com . . .
Another comment, for the longest time before the active relapsing, having sex with my AH brought on severe anxiety. Wha?? Definitely not normal. He has a 'talent' for saying really hurtful things 'playfully', and denied any motive other than "I'm just kidding, sheesh".
I see now I was refusing to be vulnerable to him. I guess I knew that, but I kept trying to discuss it with him, which of course was crazymaking.
It just blows my mind that for so many years these same issues were going on with me behind closed doors. I fought within myself at times wondering if it was me or weather I was having a reaction to the fights and verbal slaying that was happening while he was drinking. Thank you everyone for sharing in regards to this topic...
Oh, the old intimacy thing! Ugh! In my marriage it is ME who wants the sex, not him. I guess maybe it isn't the sex so much as, during, I have his undivided attention, am held tight in his arms, and he actually LOOKS at me, in the eyes! Maybe that is why he doesn't want to. It used to be really good between us, the physical and mental connection both. Now it seems they are both gone, but I am still in love with him.Or, rather, I am in love with the man he once was. The thought of being with anyone else repulses me. And this is my 5th marriage, so I've been around the block a couple of times. But, he is the only man I have ever felt this way about....ever. The other A's I was with, I had no trouble walking away and not looking back. Now, he pushes my hand away it I try to touch him. Claims he was asleep......never mattered before. I keep trying to think of things as how they were, instead of facing how they are now. All I know, is, I miss my husband. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I was thinking I didn't want to participate in this conversation, but I thought a guy's perspective might be helpful, also.
My perspective is --- nearly the same as yours. My Awife was always "MORE" horny when she was drinking -- at least, while she could still walk. I very much enjoy sex, but making love to what smelled like a nice mix of stale beer and stomach acid did not give me that warm, fuzzy. Through all the chaos and destruction the disease has caused, I began to assimilate all of those bad times to the times when she was sober, friendly, and willing. I sometimes did and sometimes didn't make love. as a thirty-ish man, i struggled with those needs. i found myself fantasizing more often, and actually got, ah-hmm, "caught" in the act, by myself, by my wife....(wow, i'm turning red... deja vous from 13yr old land, ehh)... SOOO, yep, it hurt her that i would masterbate. i didn't have the tools to talk to her about why and honestly confront the reasons. "You repulse me" never brought a positive outcome to our day, but living with an active alcoholic rarely had positive outcomes, anyway... so let go, let God - and perhaps laugh at yourself a year or two later!
humbly, yours cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I understand where you're coming from - I've tried explaining it to my husband - I feel like a human YO-YO. Things will be great for sometimes a very long while, then he goes on another binge and doesn't come home for a night or more, or he does come home and demands sex drunk as crap. IMO (or least this is how I feel) most of the time, for women it's not just an animal instinct or desire or need, we put our hearts into it - esp it if it's with someone we love/care about, but when we give in to someone who has already been disrespecting us by their actions (knowing it's a disease causing it doesn't change how it feels) we end up feeling 10x's more disrespected. It's understandable and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way - it's a result of what you've been through with him. My advice might be to seperate, unless and until he gets help - but it's not my place to say that since I'm still with mine - hoping he'll get better like he says he wants to. Until then the back and forth is inevitable.
I have been reading this post the past few days with great interest. I have been married to my AH for 15 years and we have been struggling with intimacy issues as well. My AH seems to think they are new problems, because since I have been working on ME I have learned that it is ok to say 'no' to him. He seems to think that I am going through menopause and I have a chemical inbalance that makes me not want to have sex with him. Yeah, right!
I do not owe him my body to use for his pleasures. He let me know early in our marriage that it was my obligation as a wife to accomadate his needs. I looked at intinacy with him like another obligation, kind of like loading the dishwasher or vacuuming the carpets.
I have tried to explain how I felt to him, but I may have as well just been talking to the wall. I wish I knew as much about alcoholism back then as I do now. Maybe, I wouldn't have all this pent up negative attitude about being intimate with him. Maybe, I just can't stand him for all the crap he has put me and the family through all these years and the thought of sharing myself with him in a loving way turns me off.
It's comforting to know that my feelings are shared and understood my someone. Thanks for the post.
