The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning, AH handed me a cup of coffee while I went to the bathroom, barely awake . . . and a little later, I heard him on the phone talking about goats . . . he'd called on an ad for two Nubian milking goats, pretty much the answer to my "greatest farm prayers". He told me, "You stay here, I'll go get them for you."
The only visitors we get are a married couple, the H has worked construction for us, and the wife, an African American lady and I have made friends (north Idaho is a hard place to be Black . . .). The two guys went to the hardware store while "M" and I blabbered and planned our barbeque this evening.
At seven pm, when neither "M"s husband or mine had showed, I took her home. When I got back, "M"s husband was on my porch, angry and exhausted. My A had dropped him off at a gas station to pee five hours before, 77 miles away, and disappeared. Luckily, a friend had recognized the poor guy walking along the highway and gave him a ride back here.
Luckily, I arranged to pick up my new goats on Monday so I didn't have to decide how to explain THAT ONE away. I apologized to "M" and her husband, tho they said "It's not YOUR fault", and I agreed it was not. I said I was still sorry that it happened.
I just sent "M"s husband out the door with dry clothing. He kept saying "I can't believe he did that". He knows my A's past year's history with binging and this couple have been very supportive of me and my A, very "unconditionally" accepting folks. They are hurt, angry, and of course they both said (independently) "What are you going to do? How can you stay with him when he keeps doing this? We love (my A's name), but this is just too much for anyone to take."
Isn't it, though?!!
Alcoholism literally destroys relationships and lives. Not a single drop has touched my lips, but today I feel this "disease" has it's teeth in me, and I am so, so tired. No matter how many times he's gone to the post office and never came back home, went to pick up groceries and never come back home, each time "he doesn't come back home" it is like a new blow. These friends of ours don't understand that I am not just standing here helplessly taking what he dishes out.
But am I? Is that what I'm doing? I feel a little crazy right now. I'm having a lot of desperate thoughts. I believe I could not forgive myself, nor even begin to handle the grief of selling my chickens, beloved geese and goats, and busting the hell out of here. I just want to make him and his effed up disease disappear. Abracadabra?
I told "M" (when we realized something bad had happened, and it was likely my A being bad) that I fantasize about getting a call from the highway patrol asking me to come identify his body, or getting a call from the A from jail, which is where he belongs, and where I'd gratefully leave him. I imagine I'd feel relief, though I know better.
How awful to wish your husband or wife dead or imprisoned just to get them and their disease out of your hair, out of your life. This kind of desperate thinking is telling me something important.
I don't know what else to say right now . . . I just needed to write this out to you, and have received your ESH with profound gratitude many other times. Here's another "time".
So that's how you spell Abracadabra ... I usually say POOF. LOL
I'm so glad you have good loving friends. They may never understand exactly what you are going thru but how wonderful to have a couple who are balanced enough not tell you what you should do.
You know there aren't any easy answers. I'm glad you come here to vent. I will tell you that you definately aren't the first one to think about their A kicking the bucket. I'm guilty of seriously reviewing the Social Security survivor benefits once a year when the statement came in LOL. shhh but don't tell anyone hehehe
Please tell us all about those wonderful new goats Monday
You are not alone with those thoughts. My wife had a terrible accident a couple springs ago, and it brought about a fantasy that maybe the next one would be tragic/fatal. It is not nice or something I'm proud to admit/confess, but it is the truth. The chaos and destructiveness inherent to alcoholic relations do not leave martyrs or saints... just affected peoples like me trying to make sense of things, survive, and strive for something better. I pray everyday for the Courage to Change.
(((((Kim))))) love and recovery to you cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Aloha Kim...I feel your depression and anger and both are normal for this cunning, powerful and baffling disease. My alcoholic never used "I'm gonna pick up goats" her's was "lets go dancing". They have a million of excuses. An A friend of mine recently relapsed and his wife told me that he told her he was afraid that a tree was going to fall on the neighbor's dog. I told her I had heard lots of justifications for drinking but that was a new one.
I can understand your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and future thinking about "chucking it all" however HP is more cunning, powerful and baffling and usually comes up with miracles in ways I could never imagine. Keep turning it over to your HP and trust that you don't have to take it back at any time. You could call the local AA central office hotline and ask them if a couple of the guys could come out and do a 12th step after he shows up. Don't know if there is once close to you and I'll bet there may be a willing recovering alcoholic not to far away from you. Just a suggestion that I have seen work in the past.
Just keep thinking that alcoholism is a disease. Your husband can't help what he does because he is very sick. Without treatment and AA it will progress, get worse and eventually he will die. Keep in mind the first three steps - for me it is like an exercise and keep your focus on yourself.
Don't beat yourself up for how you feel - I often have thought that death for the A would be easier for me and more humane for him.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it you are worth it!
I remember thinking at one point after I found out that my wife had been having affairs how much easier it would have been for me to accept her dying in a car crash than having to accept that fact of her betrayal.
And just yesterday I was talking with some program friends about the saying "what goes around comes around". And I was saying that I myself have some work to do on wishing that the "comes around" part would happen to a few of the a's in my world in a little more timely fashion. That I would like to see it happen to know that it did "come around" for them. But in all honesty, because I truly do have compassion for them in spite of these feelings, I know that if and when it does "come around" for them it will not give me satisfaction. Oh sure, perhaps an intial "Yesssssssssss!!!" might cross my mind, (if the coming around isnt toooooo terrible) but ultimately I would only feel sad for them being hurt. This is just my nature.
Not sure why I felt the need to share this with you, but just wanted to let you know your thoughts are ...mmmmmmm....normal?? As normal as any of us that is!
You wrote: "This kind of desperate thinking is telling me something important"
Amen to that. When I have those kinds of thoughts it reminds me I still have some work to do on me.
Hi Kim, I haven't posted on the board for quite a while but I felt moved to share with you that you're not alone in this desperate thinking regarding an unhappy demise for your A.
When I first realised my husband was being influenced negatively by alcohol, I lived in blind terror that some tragedy would befall him and result in his untimely departure from this mortal coil. As his behaviour became more unacceptable to me and I became more despairing I began to wish that something would happen to him, which though it may leave me in pain initially, I ?reasoned? at the time, would ultimately free me from his madness and I could eventually move forward. However, just before I found Al-Anon I had actually reached the point of personal insanity where I wanted one of us to die and I just hadn't determined which one of us it would be!! All I was really aware of at that time was that I wanted it to stop. I recognised that deep-down I didn't really want to hurt either one of us but I had tried all other means that I could think of and I was broken and defeated.
Thankfully, I was guided to Al-Anon where I realised that what I had been living with was alcoholism and my 'stinking thinking' was just one of the many effects on the family. I was offered hope for the first time in a long time. I was reassured lovingly that I had not become 'psychotic' or 'a potential menace to society'. I became a member of Al-Anon in October 2000 and in September this year my A will have 4years sobriety (God Willing-A Day At A Time)
Recovery is not always easy but it is possible. I was assured that 'if you keep coming back it will get better' and 'it works if you work it'. You have realised already that your desperation is telling you something important. Al-Anon tells us 'that we can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not'. You have shown great courage by reaching out and sharing with others. I personally believe the spiritual journey is seldom private, we need each other. I found the literature extremely helpful, particularly as a newcomer and regular meetings helped 'trickle-feed' the good stuff to me when my brain was mush. I didn't trust myself initially to make healthy choices regarding my future (with or without the A) and was advised 'if in doubt, dont.' I have come to realise that there is very little that MUST be done today which cannot be done tomorrow. Over the years, I feel I have become better at responding rather than reacting to situations which disturb my serenity and I am happy to take time to come to a solution that I am comfortable with, knowing that, for me, ultimately I can do the leg-work but the outcome is in the hands of my Higher Power. I wish you well as you continue your journey of recovery and discovery.
I have been in your shoes wishing him dead , hoping he never came back home I know that I like you just wanted it over and there was a time when I didn't care how . Thanks to our program I started to live my life again and allow him the dignity to live his the way he chose . But I also promised myself that He would not take me down with him . Love will not cure this disease if it could we wouldn't need a prog of recovery for ourselves . most alcoholics recieve more love than one person deserves. Love will not survive with out justice ,eventually if we cannot get what were willing to give it will die. Only you will know when it's time to leave or decide that it's okay to stay . keep looking after yourself , give yourself 1/2 of your precious time that u give to the alcoholic and you will be jsut fine . One day at a time u will recover from this disease. Louise
I have to admit being so angry that I didn't care if my A died mangled or ended up locked away in the federal pen. Then I take a step back, knowing I am the kind of person who kills bugs reluctantly. Very live and let live, there's a black ant living in the bathroom I haven't felt some urge to smoosh just because she's looking for water . . . but that AH!
If I'm that angry, I'm "that" off balance with my program. I don't feel I've screwed up, per se, more like I haven't reached a presence of mind that whatever the A does is just a blip on the radar, not a reason to wish him GONE.
Yesterday, it was raining HARD all day (that's good), so myself, dogs and livestock huddled in our respective shelters all day. I felt physically ill yesterday, though I am not ill at all. I wept a lot, seems like the tears build up and I need to just take time to let them flow. Our friends called in concern for me (and the A) yesterday, and today they're going to come over and celebrate the arrival of Nazareth and Nefertiti the Nubian goats! Their "real" names are Sweetie and Beauty, but I am just too "cynical" to leave a poor goat with those names :D .
I also took the time to order some more Alanon literature too.
I have experienced both "blessed detatchment" from expectations/A behaviors, and full immersion in the rage and pain of NOT being detatched. Last night, I experienced an unusual (for me) sense of just letting go. I prayed to HP "I know you are bigger, badder, and have more miracles up your sleeve than some stupid disease of alcoholism." I also felt this relaxation and surrender . . . "Whatever you want me to do, I will do. Just let this knucklehead know, and I'll be there with bells on" .
Nothing has changed for my A, but I can change me through the grace and love of HP. And everyone's ESH, as usual, has helped me wake to a new day with hope in my heart and energy to move my behind! Thanks again.
Oh the confusion this disease causes! Never knowing what to believe, what to feel. I could just see you huddled there in your home, weeping, as I have done many times before. And feeling ill, that too. I used to get so upset I would shake like I was cold, and couldn't stop it. All over waiting for my AH to come home. Thank God I haven't done that in a while.....I am usually able to just go on to bed. It sounds like you have good friends, but unless a person is IN LOVE with, and lives with an alcoholic, it is hard to understand why anyone would live like we do. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I wished AH dead all the time, I was so mad. I thought I was horrible, and of course UNIQUE. Then I heard an alanon speaker tape... this woman actually filled her bathtub, drug her passed out AH in there, and held him under water. She gave him mouth to mouth when she came fully aware of what she was doing. I didn't feel so alone with it anymore.
Kim I can totally relate to every word you've said, so many times my husband has gone off "to get something from the store" only to be gone for so long - or worse be caught DWI. I wouldn't doubt my husband doing something like that. I too feel that I'm being brought through the ringer with all of the consequences of his actions, that alcholism has it's teeth in me too! I have had those hoping he's dead thoughts to - it'd be a huge huge loss to me, but almost as much of a relief.
. That I would like to see it happen to know that it did "come around" for them. But in all honesty, because I truly do have compassion for them in spite of these feelings, I know that if and when it does "come around" for them it will not give me satisfaction. Oh sure, perhaps an intial "Yesssssssssss!!!"
might cross my mind, (if the coming around isnt toooooo terrible) but ultimately I would only feel sad for them being hurt. This is just my nature.
As normal as any of us that is! 