The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have committed myself to 1-2 f2f meetings a week, this board, and daily al-anon readings. I have a wonderful sponsor, but have not yet "worked" the steps. I also go to individual counseling. I understand I need to put the focus on myself, and I am trying, and every so often I discover that I am changing, however small it may be.
That said, I still feel lost. My AH sober has been out of the house for 5 wks. While I believe he is not drinking/using, he is not actively working a program. He looks great and is living a much healthier lifestyle. He is being a great dad. He refused to continue marital and individual counseling but recently has agreed to go to a communication class with me, mostly for the kids. He is convinced I can't change and is afraid to come back to life as it was. He has seen an attorney.
Like him, I absolutely do not want a life like we used to have. As much as I know the 3 C's, I take huge responsibility for the dysfunction our marriage had. I came into our marriage with huge abandonment issues and essentially gave my H a sexless marriage. I did not know how to truly receive or give love, having never really experienced it myself. Being paralyzed with my own issues, I did not serve properly as a wife. He needed to feel loved and respected and I did not do that. To be honest, I sat with a twisted illusion that he loved me, regardless. We did not communicate well, and he resorted to dealing with the holes in his spirit with drugs, alcohol, women, and working excessively. It became a self-perpetuating cycle. While I believe the Aism would have happened, I truly believe that if I loved him like he deserved he would not have turned to others and would have wanted to spend more time at home. I remember looking at this sad, broken man and thinking "I could fix that", but then just not having the strength or courage to get help so I could do the right thing. Obviously, things spiraled downward to a point where our relationship was beyond repair. You know the saying, "what you fear your create"? Well, I am the poster child for that one...
So, here I am, wanting nothing more than to preserve my family, thinking, that maybe, just maybe, with compromises on both parts,we could be what the other needs. I want a second chance, but am terrified that I wouldn't be able to do it "right". I am at a point now where I do not know how to act in his presence. Do I act aloof or do I act happy and loving? Do I tell him how I feel and risk a hurtful response? He may never be able to deal with life on life's terms and I may not ever be able to change enough to make our home a place he wants to be. Likewise, he may not be able to change either. I am terrified of just extending, or putting off, the inevitable. I truly am trying to put our lives in the hands God, for I believe that He can make the miracle we need, but then again, His idea of a miracle and my idea of a miracle may not be the same thing. Sigh...
I feel calmer than I have in months, but I still don't sleep. I am not sure what the point of this post is other than to confess my part and just express my feelings. Any E, S or H out there would be greatly appreciated because at this point I don't feel like I have any of that.
Thanks, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Yes, the three C's - the three C's - the three C's. He is the one who made choices for himself. It could have been counseling, for him, or he could have asked you to go with him to couple's counseling. He could have gone to AA - he could have gone to a pastor - he could have gone here or there for help.
There were many choices he could have made, but he chose unhealthy ones instead of making choices that would help both of you.
I admire your courage in being honest about how you feel. Your first paragraph says it all - YOU are making healthy choices for yourself. YOU could have turned to booze and men but you made the choice not to.
In the past, I made lots of unhealthy choices for myself until I found therapy and Al-Anon.
I reached out for help which is the healthy choice - and so have you. You're not responsible for your AH's unhealthy choices. Unfortunately, he is hurting himself and you in the process.
Please keep coming back and take care of yourself.
It took years of chaos, destructive behavior and the insanity of addiction to bring me to my bottom. Now, with the program in place and my support systems (you guys) at my fingertips or a phone call away (my AFG), my concentration is on enjoying the path that I am walking.
Doing the work makes me feel better, calmer, more serene, etc... doing the work is also what gives me the "tools" that I can implement and use in my everyday relationships. It is the work that has given me back my self-esteem. --not some pill-- or anything else. I make gratitude lists and share them with my Higher Power. I work the steps, keep reading the literature, and try to get clarification through my sponsor and other "alanonics" when I don't understand a meaning, a feeling, or a step.
Paths to Recovery -Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts (CAL) is a wonderful resource to begin doing the stepwork.
My point in all this is that it takes time and effort. I can control the effort part, but the time part is always out of reach -- I just need to let the power of the program work through me, One Day at a Time.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
You remind me of me when I started understanding a little about Alanon, I was like okay, lets get going. I can admit to my part, I can start to change who I've been, lets make it better and lets do it now.
How I wish that's how it worked. It's great that you are willing to look at yourself and your part in things, only I'm already hearing you take on more than what you were responsible for. Go slow, take your time, as CJ said this didn't happen to you in a day, you didn't arrive at the steps of Alanon because of one incident.
Another thing I'd like you to consider as you are on your journey. Find out who you are, don't try to change to fit what someone else would like you to be. We talk often about assets and defects, well we have them both -- those defects, well they are usually assets that have just become out of balance --they've moved over to the extreme column. It's my opinion that this program isn't about changing who we are but it's about bringing ourselves into balance with what is going on around us.
You deserve to figure out who you are in all of this, and how you arrived at this point in your journey. Don't be so concerned about fixing it all in one day -- that will only frustrate you.
Oh, and here is one thing that I really loved and have found to be true. Our program is a "program of attraction rather than promotion." -- and as you work your program, as you find your peace and serenity let me tell you....it is attractive, it is noticeable, and the best part is that it is natural, it just becomes part of who you are.
I can so relate with your story but felt your pain when you said " if I had loved him like he deserved...." I to thought I could love my AH enough to make him well, - It just doesn't work. I have learned to take responsibility for the mistakes I've made in my own life but I refuse to blame myself for my AH turning to drink, drugs and women. Those were his choices and I truly believe the women wouldn't have been part of the picture without the alcohol. It's a vicious cycle that we don't cause, control or cure. Now please LOVE YOURSELF, LIKE YOU DESERVE. It sounds like you are on the right path, keep with it and peace will come. You are in the right place among people who care.
Thank you all for your kind words. Your compassion and understanding come though loud and clear. I will keep coming back, for I want to eventually be one of those who feels peace and serenity and can encourage others.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
