The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a relative who is currently in a Center, for Drug Abuse, and has just finished Detox and into the 12 steps. When they call, they tell me a lot of things -- like it is only the beginning of the battle, they realize they have to learn about themselves, etc. I don't know how to respond. I don't know if this is really how they feel or if they are just telling me cliches they are hearing in their Group sessions? They seem to be geniune, but I don't know how to respond to them. Do I say "that's great", "yes, it is only the beginning" or what? Any assistance would be greatly appreciated. Should I agree with them and not say anything else or are there words I should be using to find out if this is how they really feel or something they are just telling me?
"Should I agree with them and not say anything else or are there words I should be using to find out if this is how they really feel or something they are just telling me?"
I am at the point in my life where words don't mean a whole lot if the actions don't back them up. I don't need to question others to see whether they're telling the truth or not... their actions will show that to me.
When I speak with someone who is in recovery I simply try to be encouraging, saying "that's great", "yes, it is only the beginning" seems fine to me. I've spoken with my brother-in-law who has been in and out of AA, he'll get a year in then slip big time... and I simply respond honestly to him when we talk. If he says it's hard, I say I know it is as I have found it hard for me to change myself in my program also, but it is worth it! I invite him to our annual AA/Alanon Conference - he hasn't come to one yet, but I invite him anyway.
It's not up to me to fix anyone but myself. I do feel though that I should be encouraging to anyone who is seeking recovery. It doesn't hurt to be kind and compassionate to those still struggling. I've seen active A's pop into chat... I had a brief conversation with one once and told him/her (?) they were welcome anytime. They very nicely thanked me, and did come back and speak with another double winner. A person may not be totally ready to take the plunge into recovery at this moment right now... but how we respond/treat them can have a big impact on whether they come back or not too. I came back because people were kind and understanding.
I guess bottom line is... simply treat others as you'd like to be treated.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Maybe you could just listen to it. Listening can be important sometimes. Would you like to come to our meetings? If you are in alanon, the program can help you as much as the A's program may help him/her.
There's an old saying "fake it till you make it" Just be supportive. Love them. Don't get all caught up in the future, just live in the present. How will you know if it is really sinking in or they are just rehashing cliches? You don't. They might relapse, but that doesn't mean that they aren't doing the best they can right now. All we have is today.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom, and just a bit of humor (good for the ).
I remember feeling the same way when hubby was in rehab. I wish I had found Alanon before he went because I would have responded a bit differently. We use to have counceling sessions before we went to visit. But it was more about what they were going through. Then I was so supportive, and that was good. But I was also naive. I didn't think he would relapse. I thought he had hit rock bottom. I took his word for everything. But I should have listened to my gut. He did the program soo fast - had the 12 steps completed before he left the 30 day program, etc. I would now temper my expectations. Be loving and supportive - "I'm glad you are working a program" "I wish you all the best, etc." If you are not comfortable with saying these things, then say nothing. Maybe talking from the heart is best. If the words aren't there, that's okay. I am glad this person is in a program, and hope it sticks. One thing that I did much later on in my program was to attend open AA meetings. I wish I had done that sooner. It gave me an insight into their world. I was well read on the disease, but until you hear it out of an addicts' mouth, you will never know their struggle. But better late than never!
I wish you a healthy, happy recovery as well. Remember your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if this person chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 09:18, 2007-06-09
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My sister is probably at the same point as your relative - she checked herself in for alcoholism/drug abuse. Last week was the first week she could have visitors. My advice is to visit the relative when you can, attend meetings whenever you can, especially the visitor meetings held where he/she is at, work the Al-Anon steps and go to the Al-Anon meetings if you can. In regards to what to say and how to respond IMO, follow the example of the leaders there, be positive about her/his recovery, any steps taken, problems overcome, realizations he/she has should be praised and encouraged. And also, when the time comes, make your boundaries clear.
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