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New here, Any advice on what to do when you are out in public and the AH decides to drink way too much and act like a fool? People sure do notice! Waitress avoids you, aquaintences roll their eyes, family either doesn't accompany us out anymore or gets angry and embarrassed by the AH behavior. I get upset, try to whisper to him to stop acting out, (Like he's going to listen at that point). I try to get the check and scoot his rear out as fast as possible. It's humiliating to say the least. Sometimes I wish I could get up and walk out and just keep on walking. My AH is very good at trying to switch stuff around and blame me for being mean etc. It takes me by surprise sometimes and I get all flustered and at a loss for words. It's so hopeless feeling. We've been married for 28 years and this isn't new. Can't believe I've put up with this for so long. He does admit to being an alcoholic and that once he starts he can't stop, especially when we are out with what friends we have left or what family still will go out with us. I think from now on we will have to choose places that do not serve alcohol. I used to like having a glass of wine with dinner. That will be a thing of the past I presume. No big deal if it gives me back some sanity. I don't think he will follow with the same behavior though. The difference here is that I only drink one glass when we are out, sometimes two if we are at home. That's all I want. For him, beer goes down like water and heaven frobid if he orders an apple martini. His brain leaves and stupidity takes control. During the day he is a totally different person. We even work together...well, I might add. He is a high energy/active person and we get along very well most of the time as long as he is sober. It's confusing. I don't know what I want to do at this point. I do love him. Thanks for listening.
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Live Simply,Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly and Leave the Rest to God
Just figure out what your boundary is and figure out what you can do about enforcing your boundary. Let him know what the boundary is and what you will do. Then stick to it.
Hey IslandLady, love your name! I'm thinking of gentle breezes and lapping water . . . .
Thankfully, my A leaves home to binge and I don't have to deal with HIM in public, just the aftermath. But what springs to mind is the old standby, I can't control him at all, in public, at home, I can't DO anything to make him drink or not drink, none of it is within my ability to start or stop. I'm sure you've sat there and watched helplessly as he pounded his beers no matter what you or others said or did. The end result was he's as drunk and obnoxious as if you'd all forced the beer down his throat.
When an alcoholic drinks alcohol, you're husband has it right: He can't stop. That is the "disease" concept of alcoholism. After that first drink, it's all over.
Looking at it this way may help you make decisions about future "outings" with your A.
I think it's important to realize thta the more you react to him the more reaction from others you'll get. People are generally reacting to him and his behavior and feeling sorry for you. People aren't noticing how you're behaving. But if you get involved, they will also react to you.
I had the same problem, totally embarrassing. After almost 20 yrs of marriage, Alanon gave me an awakening. "I have choices!!!!!!" It wasn't like I didn't know the routine and know exactly what was going to happen when we went out. Alanon allowed me to make the following boundaries and stand firm:
1. When I knew it was going to be a drunkfest/party with his alcoholic friends, I simply refused to go. (A)I never had a good time. (B) I don't care for his drunken friends. (C) I was only there as his chauffer A friend/bar owner used to have parties at his house. I really hated going there and not real sure why I did. It was expected of me by everyone. When I refused to go hubby had a cow asking me what he was supposed to tell everyone. I didn't really care what he told them, his problem.
2. If we were supposed to go somewhere that I DID want to go, I would tell him to make arrangements and ask one of his friends to bring him home because if he turned in to a jerk I was leaving. I always drove my car. Always had the keys. I used to sit there and be pissed off and humiliated until he was ready to leave.
3. If we were out alone (again, I drove) and he got stupid. I'd say I'm leaving. Either come with me or figure out a way home. I wouldn't stay and argue about it. I'd get up and walk out. He used to say I was trying to control him and I'd say "No, I'm trying to control me".
Ye,s he'd get mad when these things would occur (better him then me), but Oh Well! He knew my boundaries and he chose to cross them.
True, I can't control it, but I can control me and what I will tolerate. After being married so long I could sense it coming and know what circumstances provoked it, I'm sure you know what I mean being married 29 yrs..lol.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with Thinkmink. It's up to you what works for you. Most importantly, do whatever feels right in your heart. He is out of control in those situations; what do you want to be?
A counselor told me, that it was OK if I wanted a drink now and then. Whether or not I drink, has no effect on my AH. If he wants to, he will, and my actions do not matter either way. I do not have addictions (well, not to drugs and alcohol, anyway!) The counselor also told me that it would be as impossible for him to start drinking like I do, as it would be for me to start drinking likehe does. An A is an A, I guess. If I were to drink like he does, I wouldn't survive the night! My AH and I get along great, too, when he is sober....but one drink too many, and the evil just comes out of him. Not always, but sometimes. Last night he just drank until he passed out, thankfully. It is easier than having him running around yelling at me.....or starting a fire in our fire pit in the backyard, or getting into the hot tub on the deck. It's like having a 2 year old to worry about! Love in Recovery, Becky1
I saw you answer your own question in your post. You said I fell like getting up and walking away. I am just wondering, why don't you? If I was in a place and being embarrassed by the behavior of another I would leave them there and if the others wanted to join all the better.
Actually, I have come close to walking out. I have practically drug him out of places before. Guess I haven't gotten the guts to yet. I did discuss getting up and walking out and he needing to find his own way home the next time. He sounded surprised by it and didn't say more than "Oh, I'm listening." Maybe he wasn't sober enough to get the full impact of what I said to him. More than likely though, he doesn't believe I would do it. Time will tell. Thanks for your input and have a good day! Linda
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Live Simply,Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly and Leave the Rest to God
Becky1, I can relate to the one drink too many comment! I just wonder if he didn't have that one more drink, if he wouldn't still turn Jekyll to Hyde or maybe he'd just pass out. I could never drink like my husband does. I'd probably pop! It is easier when they just fall asleep. Now my AH wants to lose some weight. He needs to lose about 10 pounds. We'll see what the food vs alcohol ratio is when he gets serious. I go to the gym 5 days a week and swim 2 days a week too. I am slowly losing some excess weight. I don't think he will do the gym with me though. He says he will but he hasn't suggested we go anytime at all. Anyway, thanks for your comments. I am still amazed how a lot of peoples stories are like my own in many ways. I thought it was just my AH that acted out sometimes. Take care, Linda
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Live Simply,Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly and Leave the Rest to God
