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Hi, I'm new here, and dealing with a relapsing husband. He got his second DUI in February. He didn't tell me about it for three weeks, I happened to be out of town when it happened. When he did tell me about it, he told me that the one good thing that came out of it was that he realized that he was an alcoholic, and that he was quitting for good. He had been sober previously for twelve years and had gone to a rehab and attended regular meetings for several years. He didn't go to any kind of rehab or to any meetings at all this time, which seemed like a bad sign to me. After quitting drinking for several weeks, he told me that he had changed his mind about being an alcoholic and had decided that he was just a problem drinker. His reasoning was that he hadn't experienced any physical withdrawal symptoms. Again, I thought that was probably a very bad indicator of longterm sobriety, but he swore that he still intended to quit drinking. The last couple of weeks I started to think that he might be drinking again, his behavior had changed. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It's a change in attitude. No obvious slurring of speach or anything. I just can't really put my finger on it. Well, today he left a receipt from the grocery store on the counter and there was a purchase for alcohol on the receipt. I went out on the back patio and found a cooler with the alcohol in it. My question is this, do I confont him? I thought about just taking the bottles, and making him come to me and admit what he's been doing all along. I know that nothing I say or do will change his mind, he's going to do what he's going to do. So maybe I should just leave the bottles where they were and try to just let it go for now. Help.
If you want him to know that you know then just tell him. If you really believe "that nothing I say or do will change his mind, he's going to do what he's going to do," then there is no reason to make it a big scene by taking his alcohol and making him come to you to get it. He may just opt to go by more or he could argue with you about it. He's an adult, even if he acts childish, don't treat him like one. Be honest and just tell him you know.
Remember to say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean.
I'm so glad you are here. Please keep coming back.
I guess I mean that I know nothing I say or do will change anything, I just wish it were different. Sometimes I can't help trying anyway, even when I know it's completely futile. I don't even know whether I want him to know that I know. It sometimes seems like he tries harder to control his drinking if he thinks he's getting away with it. Once he's confronted he feels like he has nothing to lose and makes no attempt to exert any control at all. I'm just really sad right now because I let myself believe that he really was going to get sober again. Thanks again for the reply.
hi you can confront him if u like , but don't expect honesty . learn to trust what your seeing and feeling it really is all u need to know . I was told to treat my husb as If , as if he were drinking , which translated to me to just work my program and keep the focus on my needs . He will do what he has to do regardless of wether u confront him or not.
Maybe he does intend on not drinking.... someday. I guess I would ask myself, would I like my husband keeping track of what I do? Would i want him gauging my actions, weighing things I do and come out with some explanation?
nope. none of his business. I love chocolate. It can make me not feel real great. But if I come home with a couple or six twix bars I sure don't want his opinion about it, or watching me.
What do you want from confronting him? A fight? him feeling guilty? He does not know why he does it. What do you wnt him to say? Yep, then what?
to me it is NONE of my business. becuz I really felt that way, I began loving him as is. NO matter what the situation was, I loved him. I protected me, everything was in my name, I had my own money, my own vehicle, his disease could not take anything from me but him. And it finally did.
But I had a little time with him before it did. had i kept after him, watching, baby sitting, fighting, I would have missed what precious time i had left.
Gotta agree with what you've heard so far. Tak ea look at your motives in confronting him - will it make him stop? Will it change anything?
If confronting him was the first step to making a real change - say, "I found this, just want to let you know that the next time I find evidence of your drinking I am leaving" then it needs to be done. If you are not interested in making this step, then the confrontation serves no purpose.
While he is playing these games, what are YOU doing? Your life is not just about him. You can spend the only life you have fretting over him, or you can live it.
A couple of good questions that I try to ask myself (that was shared by others in recovery before me) is .
What do you hope to gain by confronting the A?
How has confronting the A before worked so far?
and most of all
Would I really believe anything the A tells me anyway?
((Cheerup0424))
Glad you are reaching out for help for you - it can be difficult living with the active part of this disease. I hope that you will continue to reach out for help, take care of yourself and seek guidance for what is right for you from your HP.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
