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How do you let the A do what they are going to do and not let it affect you or the children. My AH lies to me all the time. he says it is getting better he is seeing a difference in himself. He has been gone for a month. He is suposed to come home next week. I thought I was ready until last night. We talked the other day about how it was going to be when he comes home and everything. We seemed to have pretty much the same expectations. But then last night what happened he went out drinking. I dont know if I want him home if it is going to be like that again. I called and asked him about it. Of course he tried to lie to me and I told him he better jsut tell me and he did. Then he tried to say well you ut me in a corner you didn't give me a chance to tell you. I dont know if he would of or not. The lies are killing me. I think that is why I called himbecause I just couldn't take another lie. I thought I was doing better until this happened and I just didnt know what to do or handle it. I probably messed up, but that is how we learn. Thanks for listining.
I know in my situation that I could alsos no longer take the lies. It came to a point that I explained to a friend of mine that I would rather because physically abused then lie to (of course I don't want either) but the mental abuse from the lying was taking its toll on me. It came to a point that I could not have him in our home. I had to detach from the idea that there was not going to be a "family unit" and I mourned. After a bit of time I took care of me and our kids and lived as if he were dead. I had to. I did not want him teaching our children that its ok to lie and there are consequences. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your not alone. Lying is one of the worst things that alcohlics do so I completley understand your frustration. Take care of yourself and those children. We are here for you. ^i^
For me, lying is the worst. I think it is the most disrespectful thing someone can do. You think I'm a bitch? Thanks for telling me the truth, I respect your right to an opinion, but do not blow smoke up my ass.
I don't think my H lies to me very much anymore now that he is sober, but I still have a great deal of resentment for the lies he told while drinking. I had to learn not to take it personally, and I have come to the understanding that sometimes he lied just because he could not bear to see the look of hurt or disappointment on my face one more time. When they lie like that, they really think they are protecting us as well, so I try to have compassion. It's not always easy when I look back at some things and just feel enraged.
I can relate also, just last week my A was telling me how he doesn't drink like "you think I do anymore" -- my response, I don't think about how much you drink. We are separated, but just by him saying that I starting wondering, well how much does he drink NOW? Then yesterday, he mentions beer is on sale 18 pk for $8.99 how he's going to run out and "get a couple" -- uh, then he back tracks, tries to tell me that it'll last a month "ya know it doesn't expire." OMG LOL
What I'm getting at is that you can't expect them to be something they aren't. If they are an Alcoholic then they are going to put their disease first. This doesn't make them proud, they hide it, they lie, but they drink. Often we set them up with loaded questions, "are you drinking?" What do you think they are going to say? Do they want to face our wrath -- maybe they can lie thru it one more time.
You have to put yourself first, do what is best for you and not expect him to be honest. Yes, they should be, but they aren't, so go by his track record -- should you believe him? Unless they are in recovery and working a program I have to look at what I know, and what this disease tells me....it's progressive, it's selfish, and it doesn't care what I say or do.
We want to believe them, we want to give them the benefit of of the boubt, but what we really need to do is take care of ourselves, focus on what we have to take care of...which isn't them. It is hard, it's sooo easy to have our minds wander back to thinking "is he doing what he said he's doing.....wonder what he IS doing."
Stay busy, keep making a life for yourself and kids, let him do the work that needs to be done on his side if he wants this relationship work.
For me it's an HP thing . . . my A is actively either using or hunting for something to use. It's not hard to see he's suffering the ravages of a fatal disease, and the lying, manipulating, and moodiness are just more symptoms of it.
I guess I had to finally accept that there is not a darn thing this side of Heaven or Hell that I can do or say or think or wish for that will make a difference in his continued willingess to destroy himself. I catch myself all the time having those "conversations" with him in my head, but when I realize it, I stop. I have to stop them over and over sometimes, but it has gotten much better.
All the "conversations" with him in my head do is distract me and INEVITABLY I begin to feel helpless, hopeless, furious and then depressed.
That's where the higher power thing comes in. Not that I understand it well enough to express it in words, I wish I could. But when I do what Alanon suggests, which is to keep my focus on myself and the needs of my daily life -- which is often a struggle, I do it better and better but not perfectly -- I have energy, hope, can bear to consider the future, and can enjoy the little things that life has to offer EVEN IF my AH is mired in the chaos of his disease. And, trying as hard as he can to mire me in it too :) .
I just thought of something else. I reread your first sentence, and it hit me that I can't prevent what my A does from affecting me. My children are grown and out of the house, thankfully. I am hurt, I am saddened, I am shocked and offended and horrified. I am grief stricken. I doubt one cannot be affected, but your question "how do you . . . " is one that can be answered here.
Unless you leave him and take the children far far away, you all will be affected. What I believe Alanon does for me at least, is give me tools to COPE with the effects of alcoholism and addiction in such a way that I grow and mature as a human being rather than sink down to a similar level as my A. By that I mean confusion, lack of clarity, impulsivity, temper tantrums, deep depressions and despair. I know my A feels all those things on a daily basis. I certainly did for a long long time myself.
It's counterintuitive, how Alanon works, at least it looks that way at first. But it really does work as long as I work it.
janey as described in our literature part of our insanity is to keep doing the same things over and over again thinking this time it will be diff, but it never is. We believe the lies instead of trusting what we are seeing and hearing ,we have choices to accept whats offered and not complain or not and move forward. We cannot give people morals and values they either have them or they don't . If we are going to continue to accept unexceptable behavior why whould they change ? I only know one thing for sure and that is that nothing changes unless someone changes . You are the one that sees the need for change so that is you , I learned one simple truth along time ago they need us alot more than we need them tho we don't think so unfortunatly , some of us support them financially , lie for them make excuses for thier behavior over and over again ,until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change.take care of you for a change and step aside and allow the alcoholic to grow up. good luck Louise
Thankyou everyone for your great posts. You all gave great ideas on how to deal with this. I am going to try and hand it over to my hp.(I am still working on that one).Next month I go back to school so I will stay busier then. I am glad. i seem to have better days when I am busy and just not at home with not a whole lot to do. He is going to come home next week as planned. (not much of a choice finances don't allow more time gone). I am going to work my program hard and do my best to stay strong and keep my kids happy. Happy Memorial day everyone.
