The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
((((((Alanuts))))))) My beloved A and I have been separated 16 months now.(He is Turkish,I am English living in Turkey). We live 18 hours driving time apart.....and I have been doing well(THANKS in no small part to the wonderful friendship and ESH I got from my wonderful friends here on MIP)
I let him go...............or did I?????
Right now I am really very confused. I have dated several guys..........one I discovered pretty quickly was another A.....but the other guys are really nice guys. It's been a wake up call. They got serious pretty darned quickly.....I was the one backing off and keeping them at bay. Thank you friends........I now realise my own worth and put my tools at work quick smart and for the first time in my life have actually recognised I have some power.....and not been afraid to use it.The last year has been a real eye opener for me I can tell you. I say what I mean........mean what I say.....and don't say it mean. Gads!!!! I've really been proud of myself.
So..........last week my son,his wife and my baby(9 months old) Grandson came out for their holiday. We had an absolute ball. My Grandson is a real joy............Oh God,I thought my heart would just burst. A trip down memory lane......he is SO like his equally adorable Daddy( my son) and I had SO much fun with the little tyke.
A knew they were coming as it had been arranged a long time ago. So........friday I get a phone call from A........would I be at home the next day?? I said yes I would,so he told me that he had sent something by cargo and he was just phoning to check I would be at home to receive it.Explained that he had been drinking for a year since we spilt.......was now sober ( 4 months now)..........working a proper job.........and had just received his first paycheck in four years.
Next day,the cargo arrived. I thought it would maybe be a teddy bear or similar gift for my baby Grandson...............signed for the cargo and rushed to the kitchen to open it. My daughter-in-law joked with me........."If it's not a diamond ring or a new car....tell him to stick it!!!!!!" as I opened the small package.
Can you imagine my shock when out came a small red velvet box..........with a beautiful solitaire ring.....and a message inside the box saying........"With ALL my love....Forever"
OK.................I'm blubbing now writing this. WHY NOW??? WHY???
He never bought me anything before. It's not a valuable ring..........he emailed and said that it was something he had always wanted to do,it wasn't that expensive,but he just wanted me to have at least one nice memory from him.
SO.......WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?????
All my strength and tools have flown out of the window..........I feel a pathetic mess.
So glad that you got to see that precious Grandbaby and enjoy time with your son & daughter-in-law.
If I was in your shoes, my emotions would be bouncing off the walls. From Anger to Sadness to I don't know what-in-the-world is going on.
I know for me, I would definitely have to take some time to try to process all my emotions. Journaling, talking with a sponsor, prayer, and mediatation. Really giving myself some self-care.
Also, don't know how long your precious visitors will be with you, but remember also that you do have the choice to take the gift & the emotions that go with it and put them on "hold" for a while. You don't have to let it ruin your visit with your Son & his family.
If you want you can ask your HP to help you "shelf this topic" until after the visit so that you can thoroughly enjoy the time spent with them. Afterwards, you can devote yourself to feeling those feelings and processing all that goes with that gift.
Just a suggestion - Hope that you are able to take good care of you.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
That happened to me so many times hon, and what I learned was that they sometimes do the bare minimum to keep us hooked on. It hurt me because I loved the person and hated the disease and sooooooooooo wanted the disease whether active or dry gone, but the reality was, it wasn't gone.
This may not be what it is for you but it was for me and thought I'd share with you.
much love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Chris I think sometimes we try to analyse things when we just should accept them at face value. My take on this is it was a lovely gesture from the heart. Because he is now sober he probably realises how precious you really are. Take pleasure from the joy this gift can bring, no strings attached. Luv Leo xx
I have to agree with Maria. My husband is now sober and yours may be trying as well but they do "bait" us. Meaning, they will do nice things to get us back in their good graces. Once we are back then it goes back the same way. Look up something called "the honey moon phase" this is where they go in a cycle by being so sweet and nice, then something happens and they start to turn nasty and mean, then they go off on a benge or whatever they want, then they apologize, then they are sweet and give gifts and it starts all over again. If it were me (my opinion only) I would take the ring and thank him. I would probably ask him "why now?" IF that's what you really both want then what about waiting until he's had enough sober time to make you comfortable and get counseling so he can learn to be in a relationship sober and then try to make something of it? I don't believe in throwing a good relationship away and alcoholism alone wasn't enough for me to toss a good man aside. Sometimes they are worth hanging in there and working it out. Only YOU know how much you and your heart can take. You always have us to be supportive no matter what your desision is. Congrats on your ring! That was a very sweet gesture. Good luck sweets.
Because dear girlfriend, you still have deep feelings (love?) for him and he for you. I know you well enough to tell you that you have never stopped loving that man. That's okay. As for his motives for the ring? I don't know. Maybe he meant it when he said he did it because it was something he always wanted to do for you. But I honestly wouldn't dwell on why. He did what he did for whatever reason. How you react to it, is your choice.
I am soooo glad that you got to spend time with your grandson. Can't wait to see the new pictures. Much love and blessings to you, your family and Ruby too.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Bless you all....and thank you so much for the words of wisdom.
You have each made very valid points and I've taken them all on board.
Now I've had a bit of time to process it.........I've decided to accept it for what it is. A sweet gesture....and just enjoy it.
Only time will tell if he will stay sober..and only time will tell if we will ever be back together or not. It's all in HP's hands,and the best thing I can do now is to keep doing what I've been doing..and let go and let God. What will be,will be.
He has a very long,arduos road ahead of him if he is to stay sober. I'm happy he has managed to do this under the very difficult circumstances he is in now. It's up to him if he progresses well or not. He has no AA up where he is,and told me the other day he is really struggling now and in desperate need of a sponsor. I told him it was good he recognised that,but it's up to him how he goes about his own recovery.
Meanwhile...........I am concentrating on ME!! I've come this far.....and I am not about to get off the horse yet!!!!
Thank you all for the love and concern.....and great advice by the way!!!!!
