The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Picture me in front of a microphone - tapping "tap, tap . . can you hear me . . . is this thing on?"
That is how I have felt all week. So I have come to the conclusion that either my volume should be turned up or someone should clean out their ears!
Ok, I'm breathing and repeating I'm powerless over people.
In dealing with one of our daughters, K, (she's not an A, but definitely an untreated Al-Anon - lol) I can not "make" her do the right thing. I can not make her be financially responsible, take better care of her daughters (or what I perceive as better), make better choices in her relationships, keep a cleaner house or any other thing. I can't make her do anything. I can't control the fact that she just found out she's pregnant again. This will be her 3rd child. That her & her husband are seperated, she's about to get evicted from her house, she won't do what she needs to do to get finanical assistance blah, blah, blah.
I have voiced my thoughts to her WHEN asked and ONLY when asked (Thank you HP for that) - BUT what is really messing with my serenity is other people - Like her Dad (my ex), her MIL (or soon to be ex MIL), and other people asking me what to do about her????
Basically the same thing is going on with my AH. He has really gone back to some unhealthy behaviors at this time. And I have really greived that. But, I have Let Go & Let God, really stepping back and taking the focus off of him and taking care of me. Good, right? His sister, mom, etc - will not honor my boundaries when I say "I am uncomfortable discussing this matter with you" They say "But we need to know" I reply "I can't help you, call him" "He won't return our calls" "Then you will need to talk to him about that - it has nothing to do with me. I'm hanging up the phone now - good bye" They just try to get another person to call me - as soon as the conversation takes that turn - I end it and hang up.
So, please somebody tell me you can hear me because I'm speaking here in Lake Charles - I'm saying the recovery words - I'm talking the talk, I'm trying real hard to walk the walk - But, HELLO!!!!!
no one is understanding the words coming out of my mouth - Heck, I don't even care if they understand the words or not - Please just respect them.
Just leave me alone.
I am a RETIRED Fixer - I'm too screwed up to fix myself - why do these people think I can fix my daughter or my AH? Maybe because I tried for the first 38 yrs of my life?
who knows, who cares -
I just want to know that somebody hears me. Does that make any sense?
I have done some serious Step & Feelings work this week on this stuff - my head knew what was the "recovery" path to take, my heart felt the pain, wanted to react and take the "quick-fix path. It was a battle. I cried the tears and felt the pain. But me & my HP got thru it. I think why this bothers me so much is that everytime I see these names on the caller id (I don't even answer the phone anymore) that my heart is still raw, it isn't completely healed and these calls just pour salt on a wound that isn't healed yet. It's on the mend, but not yet healed.
I know that "This too shall pass" - it won't be easy, my daughter, K and my AH will probably continue their path of unhealthy behaviors. No one in our family will honor my "no discussion" request. I know that I will have to force the issue, by either not answering the phone or leaving the room if the topic is brought up while I'm around.
If they don't like it - oh well, I wasn't planning on running for an elected office anyway, so it's not like I need their "vote" right?
Thanks as always for letting me vent. And most of all thanks for hearing me when I vent - I appreciate that.
Wishing you peace, Rita
**By the way - I will now by the Grandmother of 7 (Seven) and I'll be 43 yrs old next month - oh my goodness - may I have a rocking chair and a blankee for my front porch. Isn't that what Grandmothers of Seven do? - HA!!
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
How frustrating for you!! I hear you loud and clear!
May your HP give you the strength and endurance to give them all NO REASON WHATSOEVER to think you'll finally "crack" as long as they keep pestering you.
This is a very good example of HOW to behave yourself by applying these principles. It must hurt and drive you nuts, but I'm encouraged by your sticktoitiveness :D .
Hearing you loud and clear over here girl!! Well, I know it must seem scary for your daughter to be in this predicament, but Congratulations on that new grandbaby!! What I'm starting to figure out as I get healthier and strive for recovery I feel like I'm leaving others behind. I can try and educate my family on the disease and what the right thing for myself to do is, but they still get this idea that AH is my problem to fix. I think sometimes when I talk, especially to AH's family they look at me like I have a third eye on my forehead. LOL I have been the one in their sons life that has picked up the pieces, before me it was someone else and before that it was them. I often get frustrated when my mom or someone tries and tells me what I need to do about my AH or my recovery.
It also feels uncomfortable for me to enforce and stand up for my boundaries, it stinks to have to hang up the phone or leave the room because someone just can't seem to accept that you don't want to discuss the issues of your family. Thank you for sharing that with us because I have been guilty in the past of gossiping my AH's business to family and friends. I see now that people are going to respond to this stuff very differently and it just keeps those wounds fresh for me. I think your doing the best job you can right now for you, your daughter, and AH; which is focus on you and let them figure out their lives on their time. If other family members can't respect that, then that is their tough problem.
Keep talking to us, we're listening
Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Boy do I feel you right now. My wife and I have the same issue. I have a hard time hangin up on people, not because I somehow enjoy the fight, but because I feel it is so unbelievably rude. That is just a trait that is hard for me to turn my back on.
My wife and I have that problem right now. I struggle with it ALOT!
Isn't it wonderful that even with all the work you do on something, that you have this place and all these friends to vent it to. Understanding and acceptance is waiting for you and you know it. That helps me so much. (Doesn't "fix" me, but it sure helps)
You are in my thoughts and prayers always.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm so sorry you're in all this pain. When I read your posts, I can tell what a nice person you are and that you deserve so much better than this.
Yes, I, too, hear you loud and clear. My oldest daughter and her husband are in much the same financial situation even though they both have decent salaries. I can't help them - all I can do is pray for them.
Thank God for caller ID. I have it because of my volunteer job, but it helps me because if someone who is toxic for me calls, I don't just don't answer the phone. I wait until I feel strong, then I initiate the call. I tell them up front that I can't talk long and if the conversation is negative, I just tell them I have to get off the phone now. I'm getting over my guilt with doing that as I have been a people-pleaser personified with my family.
Our serenity is more important than anything. I think you work a good program in your difficult situation.
Congratulations on new your new grandbaby. You're a good mother and grandmom. You're in my prayers.
I sure understand your post. The understanding comes from dealing with my kids too. I just figure it comes from a time in their and my life, when I didn't mean what I said. So they were trained to try over and over again because this might be the time I didn't hold my boundary. Sure doesn't make it any easier does it? Just keep up the good program work, pretty soon they will get tired of hearing that dial tone.
Your post by the way makes alot of sense. Hang in there Rita. Your program looks good!
Yep, maybe if I speak LOUDER they'll hear me this time. Wait, maybe if I say NO this way they'll hear me ....uh, maybe if I learn Manderin Chinese and get a mega phone they"ll.... hehehehe
Oh boy, can I relate LOL. My catch phrase now a days is "Oh, I was sure you heard me the first time." Makes them really look at you funny LOL.
Well I can hear you...and a rocking chair and binky sound just perfect. My porch or yours??
Yes, I am also a retired fixer and the same age as you, I like the idea of the rocking chair, and what about a crochet blanket with matching crotchet hat!
It is so freeing to realize & admit that most of the time I just want to express my feelings and someone to just acknowledge that they "heard" me.
I guess because I felt so invisible for so many years.
Thanks for helping me work thru those feelings.
Hope that all have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend. Please be safe out there. This Grandma (or ReeRee as they call me) will be splashing around the water slide with some of those wonderful grandkids!!
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
