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My alcoholic husband goes through periods of the silent treatment. He does not touch me or talk to me. He spends most of his time when he is home in front of the TV. I try to give him a kiss when he leaves for work or when I get home for week and I always ask how his day went but it is really hard to be nice to him. I just want to stay away from him because he seems like he is angry all of the time. I have talked to him about this before but he still keeps on going through periods of giving me the silent treatment. We have young children and I am worried that my kids are going to grow up seeing how we don't talk to each other and have the same type of relationship as we do. It is so hard to be loving and have compassion towards someone that does not respond to you at all. My husband puts all the blame on me as to why we rarely have sex but really it is hard to be intimate with someone when there is no response any other time. Thanks for listening.
My husband was like this the first few months of sobriety. Is your husband still drinking? I'm so sorry I know exactly how this feels. It scews with the very essence of yourself. No one can tell you what to do but I can say don't forget that your needs are important. Be kind to yourself....my thoughts are with you
phoo, yep me too. I tell ya what i finally did was realize and learn, that I could only change me.
At first i would go into the bedroom and cry I was so lonely for him. then I saw it was nothing personal. He did not talk to anyone. I really do not think it is silent treatmen, at least not my experience.
they seem to be so tunnel visioned in sobriety on a program, yet not so much, but again when they use.
always planning their next using, or doing their best to not think about it.
He talked to me the most. Looked at the good stuff, he came home every night, if it was passed sixpm he would call. Well until the disease got worse.
It has been so much better in my life since i learned I cannot change anyone else but me.
Still was lonely for him, but not as much. would sit and hold hand with him, kiss him.
Again after awhile, just could not carry it all phoo. I stopped doing his wash, cooking for him. nothing.
you are so right, lovemaking starts in the morn and goes all day huh?
I just think, just me thinking, they just don't want it anymore after awhile. No desire. And a lot of A's stop being able to perform. Then are never sure how their body will react.
Glad you wrote, I am sure i was NO help. You are not alone though.
Hello , your post rang a bell with me . My husb did the same for yrs and I took it really personally , truth was he was depressed and it had nothing to do with me . Ididn't know that at the time so I always seemed to make it worse by asking if he was angry at me , no answer so Iwould then start to do really nice things for him , which seemed to make him more angry . In sobriety he told me it had nothing to do with me at all but the more I hovered and bugged him or tried to cajole him out of his mood the madder he got . I met a lady after a meeting who said to me . Have u ever thought of enjoy ing the silence > I looked at her stunned and said well actually NO I hadn't . she said well think about it if hes quiet he's not complaining or holering about something u did or didn't do. Enjoy she said . well what a concept that was and that is exactly what I started to do ask him once if I have done something to upset him if he says no I leave the mood with him and carry on as usual , if he chooses to not eat durring that time or answer me . OH WELL So like the lady told me Turn up the music and dance . Enjoy the silence.
My husband is still drinking. He doesn't drink every day but when he does drink he gets drunk. I just remember how things were when we first got married. Now he doesn't seem to be attracted to me. I am going to work on not taking it personally.
I agree with enjoying the silence. If you are lonely, well, there are other people in the world to talk to, he's not the only person you're allowed to be close to.
As for the effect on the kids - whether this is harmful to them or not depends a lot on you. They could grow up saying "My dad was very quiet, but my mom was outgoing" or "My dad's silence was punishment of my mom. My home was full of tension."
His silence most likely has very little to do with you. Chances are that he is, indeed, depressed. This is very common among A's, many of them are self medicating, with the drink and drugs, for the depression. You can't get him to face this issue any more than you can get him to stop drinking, so just go on and live your life. If you honestly cannot stand to continue living this way, you may want to consider leaving. If you have decided that you want to be in the marriage, then you need to accept that this is how he is. The only other choice besides acceptance is pounding your head against the wall. There is no "Door Number Four" called 'making him be the way I want him to be'.
(((((((Phooey))))))) I know how painful this can be because I went through it, too. That, along with other behaviors, is what I had to detach from for my own sanity.
I, too, took it personally and was hurt by it until I realized, like others have said, that it didn't have anything to do with me.
First, I learned to do my own thing which meant leave for a while if I had to.
I'm still with my AH who is dry, not sober, and it no longer bothers me. In fact, I'm no longer aware of when he's being silent and when not.
What ticks me off still is when I ask him a question, I know he heard me, but he ignores me. When he does that which is not as often as it used to be, I stand right in front of him if I really need to know the answer, and say, "I asked you a question and I believe you heard me."
There was a time when I would have heard an entire lecture and tirade if I had done that, but those days are over. For me detachment is "where it's at".
It takes time, but if you attend Alanon, open AA, read, stay online, and learn to detach from this unacceptable behavior, you'll be able to handle it better. For me, it took time and practice, but has been well worth it.
Remember, this is his behavior - not yours. I hope this helps.
