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level.
I have not been on for awhile but have been reading a few post to try and figure out what my A's (hubby, and Stepdaughter) are doing. In May of 2006 my stepdaughter who has a drinking problem came to live with my hubby and myself with her little boy due to physical abuse she was getting from her live in boyfriend. Stepdaughter would go out every night leaving us with her child while she went to the bar. This went on for awhile. At times she would come home the next morning so drunk she would pass out on my rec room couch. In my rec room is where I run my in home daycare for small children. I set some boundaries and they would get ignored by both hubby and her. All of the above is before I came into the Alanon program.
In August of 2006 there were problem with my AH and I about his daughter. Once again I tried to set boundaries and let him know that if his daughter did not stop her coming home drunk and passing out so my daycare kids can her she will have to move out. He got upset and said if she goes, he goes. The next day hubby was gone. Step daughter came home after work and we had harsh words. I called her a lot of foul names and kicked her out. Please keep in mind that this is before I entered Alanon and open AA meetings.
Once this was out of hand and hubby was gone from the home, he felt he was at his rock bottom and wanted help from AA. He invited me to an open meeting In September sometime and since than I have been on my journey with the Alanon program twice a week and open meetings once aweek. Shortly after I started with the program I started to feel horrible about how I treated my stepdaughter back in August and other times and I pulled her to the side and apologized to her and let her know that once I'm in the program for awhile and I start to feel better I'd like to take her out for lunch and express myself and my love to her. I did not say when this was going to happen.
Over the past 8 months, I have been embrasing the program and learning alot. I have shown acts of kindness, love, and concern towards my stepdaughter. I feel I am making progress on myself. I feel better and I do not have a lot of anger anymore . Heres the problem. Over the past few months when I feel good and want to call my stepdaughter to have this dinner date, my husband comes back to me and says that he and stepdaughter do not feel I am sincere on my actions and kindness towards her. . I feel I am. I am not the kind of person who BS's around with peoples feelings. I love this girl. I raised her for 10 years. When I hear this, it's puts me a few steps back and I do not call her b/c I feel she does not accept the changes in me, or she does not understand b/c she's not in any programs herself and I know she's broken and wounded too. I also feel that if she is not going to open the doors a little bit and let me in than how can I take her out for dinner. On Mother's Day weekend all the kids phoned me except her. I did not hold anything against her as she is hurting, but hubby was upset that she did not call. She told him she did not call b/c I told her back in August of 2006 I would take her out for dinner and she is still waiting for that dinner.
I really do not know what to do. I am in counseling and I told my counselor that I will take any manipulation from her, I will not force myself onto her, nor will I buy her her love. I feel she's playing a game here and hubby is playing it too by sticking his nose into this when he should be staying out of it. I feel that it is hard for me to do this dinner with her when she is not letting me in by making these comments. I need some Alanon talk from you people to help me get over this bump. I still want to take her out for dinner but I don't want her to think she's in control and she and hubby can play this game with me. Thanks for all your help.
Fistly, I think you know you can't be manipulated unless you allow it, right? So that part doesn't matter much. Three slogans sprang up in my thoughts while reading your post. "What others think of me is none of my business" And "Keep your side of the street clean" And "Let it begin with me"
Do what you need to do for yourself. If you feel you need to make amends then go for it and let the chips fall where they may. Whether the stepdaughter thinks you are sincere or not is not in your control but you will have done your part.
Take Care Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It has to be very hard for you. All we can do is protect ourselvse from people who seem to be toxic to us.
We sure cannot change them. It is not easy, but we can change how we look at things.
Live and let live. For me I remind myself to give it to hp. At some point I completely gave up on A's family. Horribly dysfunctional and i got tired of getting my heart tore up.
It sounds like you love her a lot. She is A however and surely is not very mature. Do you want her forgiveness?
It sounds like you have done your best, and do you see that how you feel right now shows she is controlling your feelings?
If I were you, I would let it go. go on, don't allow the disease to hold you back from your own recovery. We can pray someday she will be able to get into recovery, and hopefully look you up.
For now, look at how wonderfully you are doing. Congrats on all your progress. much love,debilyn
Congratulations for apologizing to your step daughter. I am not real familiar with the steps, but I believe that is one of them. There are not any rules as to how you have to make amends (I am sure a simple apology is fine.) Or whether or not they accept your apology, (remember the three C's). It sounds to me like they are trying to manipulate you and for whatever crazy reason that they have they would prefer that you still felt 'bad' about whatever it was that you said. My AH and step daughter do this to me constantly, so I recognized your perdictament.
The best I can offer you is a (((((albertarose)))) and to tell you that you are not alone. I used to feel like I was the one who was reponsible for my step daughter and I not getting along, I mean after all, I am the adult. Being here has helped me to see that I do not have to take being 'dumped' on by people, even family members.... They too have to assume some responsiblility for a healthy relationship to exist.
Thank you all once again for your encouraging words and support. After reading my post, I talked with my counselor and she made me realize that I must place a few boundaries on my husband and step daughter. My husband and stepdaughter need to stop discussing me and my marriage to him among the two of them. If either one of them has a problem with me they are to discuss it with me as triangulating is very unhealthy to all of us.
I was also told that my husband and stepdaughter seem to have a co depedancy relationship and when that stops mybe than my stepdaughter will accept me for who I am and who I have become.
