The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This was a meeting topic today at my ftf. What a great topic it was. What is esh? Why do we share only esh and not give advice?
I was reminded of how I felt before I had children, that I felt when you had children acting up in a public place you should get them under control or leave. LOL the first time we went out to eat with friends my son a newborn at the time was sleeping like an angel...until the food came and then he started to scream...How do u control a newborn? I guess about the same way u do an alcoholic, you don't!. We took turns one ate while the other sat in the car and tried to calm him....
I know when it came to light that my ex was using drugs I talked to a very good friend about it and her advice was to get rid of him...wow that hurt How do you throw away someone you love like yesterday's news?
One lady had a great share... She said if you don't have experience with the problem someone is sharing about...just listen. Give encouragement. Share some Hope...If HP see's ya to it he will see ya through it. Tell them to keep coming back. Don't tell them what you would do, cause you don't know until you are there with full emotions. How true is that? She went on to say...We are alanons. We like to try and fix people...ugh! Problem is we have stuff to fix with us and need to keep our focus on ourselves. So sometimes we have to bite our tongues and look at our to do list. Which we get from our 4th step.
Today I learned, just venting helps a person sort out their thoughts. I just need to let them talk. Let them know I care and I am here if ya need me. Always ready to go get some ice cream.
Don't know if this was on my mind before I went to the meeting, but I loved the topic and wanted to see what the rest of the family thought about it. well?
Carol, thank you for posting about that ... and yes, it's true for me: I have to sit on my hands not to type advice sometimes. :) Or put my hand over my mouth in a pretend-cough when I just *have* to open my mouth but know I shouldn't. I don't know why it is that I know so very well that what *I* want most is for people to listen when I'm thinking out loud ... but then I forget that whole idea when I'm listening to others. I'm grateful that Al-Anon keeps reinforcing that we don't give advice, that wanting to fix things is often not helpful ... and as you pointed out, none of us really knows all about another person's preferences and circumstances and history -- so how can we know what's best for another person? I've come to believe we really can't know for someone else no matter how much we think we do.
I like the quotation, "Each person is the expert on her/his life because no one else has the time to spend 24/7 living that person's life except that person."
Thanks again for posting and I look forward to seeing what others have to say.
Arent meetings wonderful?...It seems when I go to a meeting, it is a topic which I need to hear that day! After all the crap which has happened in my life lately and the past 5 years, our meeting on Monday was on gratitude. It is easier to dwell on all the negative "stuff" going on in your life, than really take a look around and enjoy what you have! So many things I just take for granted, and instead of wishing/hoping I had more, and the what if's and the woe is me etc, it made me look at the other side of life, the good things, and how much luckier I am than many others with all I have in my life. It has taken me many years to come to the realization that I am "OK". ESH , is what everyone needs, and alanon , is the one place where we who are affected by another's addiction can get it. Thanks for the topic....................................gardengal
