The material presented
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Had a good weekend full of sports with our son. My wife came along and enjoyed herself, but was drinking when we left and drank each night we were gone. At least she was in a good mood for the trip.
As has happened in the past, our good weekends are like a sugar high... it gets you all up and energetic - then you come crashing down. The depression of not being able to do that every day... having to go back to her little hell, brings a flood of emotions and accusations of how our seperation is just so unfair.
She texted me last night and asked "do you miss anything about me..."
You see she has decided (and told me) that I am enjoying my time alone. It's hard to explane that yes I am, but I do miss her.
I did reply with "... there are many things I love about you". That is still very true. I didn't attempt to list any... because I didn't just start missing them when she moved out... I have missed them for years.
Our seperation didn't take them away from me, the drinking took them away from HER years ago.
I have a meeting in a few minutes.... and I can't wait. At times I feel that "making the best of the good times" with her is not worth the pain and confussion that it causes her, which gets reflected to me.
I hope you are all doing well... I am just venting.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Those words brought the lump to my throat - my heart breaks for you - I can relate to that feeling. After a few really horrid weeks with my AH, then to have a really great weekend. I thought this weekend - "This is the guy I want to be with ALL the time, I wish the disease didn't take him away from me for weeks at a time"
Just have to decide if I can enjoy the good times enough to live thru the bad.
Cunning, baffling and powerful - this disease -
Hope that your day is blessed with moments of peace, serenity and love, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Wow is she good at guilt! *is wondering if this woman learned her guilting from the Catholics or from the Jews...she's an expert!* I am proud of you for not taking on her baggage. Your wife is feeling so guilt ridden from her actions she needs to expel them and is pushing them onto you. I am proud of you for being honest but not being brutal. I am proud of you for being assertive and not arrogant. There will come a time when vacations are not frightening and emotion ridden and are what they were always intended to be: a break from the every day. I am very proud of you!
Yes, I know the feeling, I missed them for years, the same with my father, its like he is dead, and I often feel I am mourning, the same with one of my brothers who is at a worse stage than my other brother. Hope the meeting helps.
"She has decided and told me that I am enjoying my time alone"
(((RT)))
I completely understand how you are feeling on this one. I hear the same thing from my AH. He say's I believe you've just gotten used to me being out of the house during the week and get your needs met on the weekends, then send me back to hell. Oh the guilt... cry me a river....
Yes, I am happier on my own right now and yes I do miss him. I agree the things I miss about him have been gone for a while. When we first met, he gave me wonderful attention, bought me cards because he knew I loved them. He had something special, a fire, or something that has been out for a couple of years now. I'd love to see it back. The alternative is that I don't miss his grumpy over bearing depressed attitude. I don't miss the shame, guilt, and blame game. I don't miss the dysfunctional arguments that never really get us to the solution. All these things take time to change.
You are doing a wonderful job in keeping things were they belong. Enjoy those happy times, let her feel the feelings of discomfort when she has to leave. She has a great deal to own and think about. Wishing you a happy day.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Sounds familiar. She seems to pull out all the stops when she is around you. My AHsober and I kinda do the roles a little different from you all. I say don't you miss me? He says give me a divorce so I can get on with my life. So, I am holding up his life, not the disease? It is the same thing - guilt trip. I have spent the last couple of weekends with my AHsober doing grown kids things - graduation, coming home from college, etc. I thought about the cost of being together ie arguing, him leaving again, watching the disease in progress. I thought about doing these events separately as others do. I made the decision to share the celebrations with him as a parent. It goes ok. We argued, we called a truce. We ain't foolin' nobody especially our sons. He is a great father. He is limited. I wish the good times would last and wish he would come back home. But I know that the disease has him and he needs to figure that one out. Sigh. So I guess like you having these get togethers has it's positives and negatives. I have to look at it as a gift.
This is just a symptom of the disease, it's like: I feel like crap how dare you feel good?! let me bring you down here with me. Then as soon as you get there (in the pits) guess who feels absolutely wonderful? Not you.
It is just one more power play. Don't buy into it. Remember what you know, what is real, who left and the true reasons you have some peace and balance in your life. It is NOT your fault that you have this peace...you deserve it. It is her choice to live in the mire. You are not keeping her there.
I had an A tell me once, how will they ever want sobriety if we never let them feel the pain? Think about it RT, you may hurt right now but if it's your pain you're wanting to alleviate, by continually reassuring her, then it just might prevent her from getting to that place where she'll actually want sobriety.
It really sucks that in order to do the right thing we have to watch someone in pain spew out things that we know aren't true. Detach. You can't make her feel better -- I think you know this. You can always Say what you mean (I love you)-- keep it simple (you know what you need to do) and then my favorite, but hardest to do--shut up.
Some days this program is really tough...hang in there. Remember to lean on your HP.
I can remember telling someone that I was lonlier with the A than without him. They asked me how could this be? After all he was a solitary drinker and was home. Yes, he was, physically there. But emotionally? He couldn't be. He was passed out most of the time.
What I didn't miss when A moved out, was the chaos. He would stumble alot and the place would be a wreck. I didn't miss being afraid of coming home wondering if I would find him dead or alive because he mixed his meds and booze.
I missed my companion, my best friend, the laughter. I never told him this because he never asked. I'm not sure how I would have replied. But I'm guessing that this is just another way to manipulate the people they need in the way it benefits the most. Typical addict behavior.
Hang in there you are doing just fine.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
