The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I let my A make me so mad that I threatened to move out, and now he is telling me to just get my stuff and leave now. Almost everything in the house is mine and would take a lot of people and a lot of work to move it all out. He says I have to get it all at once, because he won't let me back in the house. All was said while he was drunk. He says I was just "talking" anyway, and that I won't leave. I will leave, at the right opportunity, like the next time he is in jail for DWI so that I can have time to get my things. What can I tell him, so that he is not accusing me of just "talking crap"? Thank you all.
I am sorry you are going through this. I use to say when the A was drunk and would say mean things, that "it was the alcohol talking" not him. I learned way too late that talking to someone, lone enough argue with someone when they are drunk, is not productive. (Now that hubby is sober and he talks about what went on, it pains him to see the way he treated me. But I remind him that all is forgiven and is past and we move foward.) Does he even remember the conversation? (Mine never did.) Because if he doesn't, then let it be. Say no more until you are ready to make your move.
Meanwhile keep going to your meetings and being good to yourself. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
How about telling him the truth- that you were angry and in despair, and made threats you are not willing to back up. If he then accuses you of "talking crap", oh well.
The way to be taken seriously, is to only say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Easy for me to say, yeah. Believe me, I've thrown around some wild threats, and it got so he didn't believe a word I said, and he was right not to - I was just thrashing around, trying to make the pain stop. Looking back I can't believe some of the crazy things I said and did, to show him how unhappy I was. The one thing I never tried was to establish sound boundaries, and enforce them. I was too crazy for that.
You are human, you are in pain, someone you love is killing himself before your eyes, and dragging you along with him. Don't be too hard on yourself, but try to learn from this for next time.
We have all been there. So much so, that when I really did decide what I would and would not accept in our relationship... she doesn't believe me.
We have been seperated for 7 months now - and she still thinks I am bluffing! LOL
You have gotten some sound ESH, today I do everything I can to not cry wolf even if that means not talking at all until I decide how I want to respond to a situation.
When that doesn't work, honesty and forgiveness all around is the best I can do to remedy the situation. How others take that is their business.
I am glad you are posting, and I hope you have meetings and literature to help reaffirm that you are not crazy... but this is crazy stuff. Sometimes we need each other to help stay on the path.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
In my experience, what he said meant nothing when he was using. In fact when he was sober it was the direct opposite.
It is no wonder we feel we are on a roller coaster. NO wonder that it makes us sick.
What ya did was perfectly normal. However with an A, just does no good but feed the disease.
It took me so many tries to finally get where it was natural to think oh it is the disease talking, and ignored, left the room, the house....then it got natural to not have to think first at all.
Sadly still made me feel sick.
It takes awhile to learn new behaviors.
Hard though to hear this kind of talk. I like a clean house, my A would let the dogs in muddy right after I mopped. He would feed a very good meal to them.
My jeep was stupid, my home was a pit, too many animals, computers were dumb.
But sober he was always supportive. shaking head. I needed alanon big time.
So after awhile, if he said i don't care. I would say back, OH thank you for caring that is so sweet. Or anything he said I would respond back as if he said the opposite.
Even now, I know he loves me misses me, grieves for me, feels guilty, the whole thing, but they are so sick.
Please do not be hard on you. The thing is all we can do is change us, how we look at things, change things in ourselves.
If you do actually plan to leave... tell him it will be on YOUR terms. It's your plan, NOT his. He can accuse you of talking smack all he wants, but he can't force you out before you are ready.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You didn't mess up--you are human and in a very difficult situation. If it was all said while he was drunk then in my experience it is as if it didn't happen at all. So, be gentle with yourself, take a deep breath, re-group and put the focus back where it belongs--on yourself.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I learned that every time I threatened to leave etc. and then I didn't follow through, the message that I sent to him was that regardless of what I said, anything that he did was ok. UGH!!
So, lately I have been living the slogan "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." It is a very liberating way to communicate--I just wish I had learned it sooner!! To me, it means that I can wait until I know for certain how I feel and what I want before I have to say anything. It doesn't mean that I condone the behavior, but I don't feel compelled to try to deal with it in the heat of the moment. I can wait and deal with it when I am ready.
What that also means, though, is that I have to be honest and sincere when I do say something. My A is sober now so it is different from your situation, but an example is when he asks me if something is wrong, I can no longer say nothing is wrong if that is not the case. Now, I try to face my fears and speak the truth to him. It still amazes me that it is so hard to do that--but living with an active A really does a number on us--there is a reason that we say that A "is a family disease."
Keep coming back, you are not alone!!
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I think alcoholics can be very provocative, do not be hard on yourself, you do what you want on your terms, when you are ready, they are very good at putting people in corners, I am putting up with my a at present and he is running my house like he owns it, so I know what can happen, I feel like walking as well as he can be a horror to live with.
I totaly understand where you are coming from. I have been there and done that. But i found that the best think to do is the hardest thing to do... that is just ignore him and his crazy behavior. I can't do that all the time because it is sooo hard. If you do want to leave, then leave. It doesn't mean that you are moving out right then, you are just removing yourself from that situation at that time. Then if you want to stay with him and try to work on your relationship, then come back when he is sober and have a heart to heart about your feelings and let him express his feelings as well.
