The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a birthday party for my middle child Saturday (nobody showed up) and got a letter from my A in jail. I read it and while waiting for non-existent guests I wrote back the perfect letter. I was so angry after reading his letter which was full of whining and blaming and just plain bs. I was compelled to write back and the words just flowed from me. The perfect words to say exactly how I felt and exactly what I thought about his letter, his blaming, his excuses, his stupid decisions, etc. It was cathartic and when I was done I was proud. It was like that feeling you get when you say the exact right thing on the spot. I nailed it! I called him on all his bs and told him that I thought it was funny that he thought he had a right to expect anything from me. I told him what I thought about his girlfriend and his blaming him going to her on me because I wouldn't let him come home. I told him what I thought about every single thing that I wanted and it was such a relief! The more I hear from him the more sick he seems to me. I look now and think nothing has changed with him. He has always been like this, I just didn't see it. It is me who has changed, I refuse to hear bs and believe it anymore, I refuse to be lied to and accept it as the truth. Mostly, I refuse to live in fantasy land anymore and see things as they really are. I feel like all he does in his letters is whine about everyone else all these bad things that happened TO him but never that he did these things to himself! I pointed that out in the letter too... I think to myself I have been in worse positions than him and I managed. I know that even now with 3 kids I would manage, yet he can't even be accountable for his own life. I was so angry, he said I was OUT OF LINE to be upset about the fact that he was arrested with his little girlfriend. I thought I"M OUT OF LINE???? I'm not in jail, lost my job, my car and my family - now THATS out of line!!! Anyway, just wanted to share my joy in being able to say the right thing at the right time and vent a little more about the BS. The longer I'm away the easier it gets and the funny thing is that he is the one who makes it easier.
What's up with no one coming to the birthday party??? I'm sorry that happened.
Your insight into how you've changed enought to "see" your A has always been the way he is hit me so hard. In the last couple of days it's like I've been watching mental movies of my A in the past, and remembering things I generally dont remember.
He's always been the way he is now, but I saw it differently in the early years. I thought I was doing something wrong to make him act the way he did, I took responsibility for his behaviors that TODAY I would recognize as disease behavior.
Your post helped me to see that I have changed, not him. His disease has progressed, and he's much worse than when we first got together, naturally. But the essense was there all along. It's very sobering, no pun intended! But also a relief, at least I'm waking up.
Good for you. You have always seemed to be very right on. Even with all the confusion and change, you look like you have a solid foundation. It is great seeing how strongly you work your program.
Plus I am in awe of people who cont. to share so others can learn.
