The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A week ago Friday my AH opened his own checking account with the deal that he would get $50 per week for gas and extraneous expenses. We did this so he would stop taking $15-20 per day from our bill paying account. So we put $50 in the account the day we opened it (Friday), then Monday he said he would prefer to get his allowance at the beginning of the week, but since we just opened the account he would just take $25, then on Tuesday he said, maybe it would just be easier to take the whole allowance, except he took $50 more instead of $25 ($125 for one week). Well, guess what, as of this morning his stupid account is overdrawn by $121 and he has no idea how many more checks are out there. Sh*the@d! I have to give myself credit though, I have known since Friday that he was overdrawn (we have online banking) and I didn't tell him. He needed to find out for himself and face the consequences. I told him that I will not cover anymore overdraft fees, that he needs to learn how to manage the account and record his transactions. (He is 40 years old, pathetic).
So, I am enacting a Plan B. We own a business together, but I have decided to start sending out resumes for both of us (he won't do it for himself). I don't want to work with him anymore. I can't stand knowing he really isn't doing anything for the business or family. He is really the one who needs the structure of working for someone else, but if I find a good job first, we will adapt. I need to be able to support myself and my daughter. I am also going to open a new checking account in my name only and start moving everything over there so he can't "secretly" take money from our joint account. I am giving notice to our landlord for our office because I work from home and he never goes there except to drink. And, any short fall in the business will come from what is left from his savings, not our credit cards.
I was walking this morning and thinking about my life and a phrase popped into my head, "get ahead of the ball." It is a soccer analogy. When my 6 year old daughter plays offense, she tends to chase the ball even if one of her teamates already has it and her coach yells, "Get ahead of the ball!" to receive a pass. I have been chasing balls for years, it's time to get ahead of the ball and receive the pass.
Sorry this is long, but thanks for reading! Babysteps
Not really that long... When I left my husband I took every cent with me. Here in the south they have some mean women and their perspective is... Take every cent otherwise it just goes to alcohol anyway. The kids need it...and he doesn't. Now at first I didn't feel that way but after watching him give me some money and then spend the rest and then some on a runner I have had a change in perspective and am becoming one of these mean southern women. LOL Also, I learned a long time ago never to have his name on a bank account with mine. I refuse to be held responsible for his irresponsibility. I made the mistake of thinking he was better after a year of sobriety and signed 2 vehicle loans with him. Needless to say, I will be paying for that for the next seven years until it drops off my credit! Now I believe I will never sign my name to anything that I can't pay for myself! Lesson learned.
I know your heart is in the right place but I see that your doing a lot of enabling for him. You need to learn to stop doing that. Let him get his own bank account, let him put his own resumes in. I agree with you changing over your bank account that's smart however once he knows all this and he doesn't have access to the money he is going to start taking it and not telling you so be careful. Alcoholics do not like to get backed into a corner. I hope you can get you and your daughter away from this situtation, I know it's scary. It'll be better once you get your own place, your own job and are paying for you and your daughter without his help. IT can be done. I did it with three. I'm here for support if you need me. Good luck. It takes time to get ready to move on, just be careful.
This is a tough one. I am trying to deal with the same situation. How do you just say, we are now storing our money in seperate accounts? He is going to be totally affended by this. Do you put his paycheck in his account and yours in your account? How do you pay bills that way? Or do you have on "Bill" account then he has an account and you have an account for extras like gas and lunch food and stuff? I got denied for a $6 sandwich combo for lunch today because he spent $70 on gas yesterday and forgot to tell me. I am sure that wasn't all gas either. We are living pay check to pay check as it is and I stress over the bills becuse I never know how much money we have in the bank!
How do others deal with bills when you are living with an A?
