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level.
I divorced my a husband almost a year ago. We weren't married very long and I haven't posted to this board in a little while, although I do read it.
I have been pretty much alone this past year healing from the mental, verbal and physical abuse heaped on me by my a. Every so often a man will ask me out or display interest in me and for one reason or another I will reject him. I had always been open to dating prior to meeting my a. So, I am pretty sure I have been traumatized to the point that isolation seems preferable. I don't believe this is a healthy response for me.
Anyway, a married friend introduced me to her husband's single male friend. We all went to dinner last night so that he and I could meet. At the start of the dinner, the single guy told me that he doesn't drink often and that he always limits himself to 2 drinks because he gets drunk easily. He then told me his "embarrassing drunk" story. The married couple also shared their "embarrassing drunk" story and told the single guy that I don't drink. He was ok with the fact that I don't drink. But, at dinner he had 2 hard drinks and he did become tipsy. He told me not to worry because when he is drunk he is a happy drunk. He also said that the only reason he was having the drinks was because he wanted to relax as he found blind dates difficult.
No one else at the table seemed to think these conversations were troubling or the fact that he drank 2 drinks and became tipsy might be an indication of troubled waters ahead. My sirens were going off a mile a minute.
So, now I am not sure if I am overly sensitive. People do drink when they go out on a weekend and it isn't an indication that they have a drinking problem. Although, by the age of 48 one might reasonably assume that the need to drink to make it through meeting a stranger would long since have passed.
After dinner we walked around for a bit and he did sober up quickly. He was a perfect gentleman during the entire evening. He is ex-Army and their training does show. He asked me out. He told me that he would remain a gentleman. My friend told me that he is totally dedicated to any relationship he is in. On the other hand, my ex a husband was also a perfect gentleman prior to our marriage and was also ex-Army. One of my male friends suggested that there is always a reason why a man is a perfect gentleman and the reason is not good.
So my question is this? What are the signs that I should be looking for? Everyone tells me there are signs. Do you think I am seeing "the signs" already?
You have every right to be on guard with new relationships. When you are ready for one it will happen, there is no need to force something you are not ready for. Regarding the date you describe above, I do find it interesting that so much of the conversation revolved around how much your date drinks . It could be one of two things, he has a problem and is trying to explain it away; or your friends told him about your ex-husband and he is trying to reassure you from the get go that he is not an alcoholic. Have you asked your friends?
Don't let yourself forget that you are in control of your life and the course it takes. If you enjoy a person's company, you have the right to continue getting to know them. If a relationship is not healthy for you, you also have the right to end it. Just don't cut yourself off from new people and new experiences, they are what make life dynamic. Good luck!
To be honest, I think the signs are there all right, but they are in you, not in him.
You don't trust your own instincts, you don't trust your gut, you don't know what is reasonable and what isn't. You are not ready to get involved in another relationship yet.
The ONLY thing that matters here is that you are feeling uneasy. It doesn't really matter if the guy has "troublemaker" stamped on his forehead, or if he really is the catch of the decade. Until you are sure enough in your own recovery to be able to trust yourself, and know that you will be OK no matter who or what he is, there is no way you could be happy with him anyway.
Your reactions to men are telling you something. They are not really saying that you can never find love again, or that all men are scum, or anything that drastic. They are just saying that you need to work on yourself, gain some confidence, make sure you can love yourself as much as you love anybody else, before you get involved with anyone.
I firmly believe that many (no, not all, Diva) of us here did not get involved with our A's by accident. Something broken in us called to the broken thing in them. As we heal ourselves, through self knowledge, through the program, maybe through therapy, we start to be attracted to saner, more emotionally stable partners, and, that is the kind who becomes attracted to us. Unless that work is done, we are 'trouble magnets'. I know that every man in my life who has been seriously attracted to me has had either addiction issues or some other (usually quite well hidden) instability. The truly sane guys stayed away.
I have to agree with lin... If you're scared to try then don't. I think the problem for me (I am in a very similar frame of mind) is that once it starts I have a hard time walking away and I know this so avoidance is better. The trouble with this is that it gets a little lonely sometimes. I realized though that I don't need a man to be happy or busy or myself. I can do all that on my own. My fear is getting attached to another A and being hurt by him. I can totally understand that thinking. I think the problem is the attachment, I think for me I have to work on being more distant, not rushing in, not getting overly attached and when something appears to be wrong WALKING AWAY even if it hurts for a while, even if I am lonely and disappointed. There are other fish in the sea, we don't have to promise to be with every man we date forever! I'm telling myself this at the same time I'm telling you...LOL Anyway, you know what's right for you, you know if you are far enough along in recovery to walk away even if it hurts. I guess I'm not there yet.
You sure got great replies.I am sure it makes us all think.
I put myself in your place. For me, I don't want a man or woman friend who has to use drugs to feel relaxed.
If a person never goes thru it straight, how will they learn it can be done? Again they will not mature in that kind of situation. I would like my friends to not use drugs for anything at all. Does not bother me when people drink becuz they enjoy wine with dinner, or beer at a picnic or whatever.
The fact he immediately started making an excuse like you were his counselor put a red flag up for me.
Good for you questioning this.
Does not mean you cannot enjoy his friendship, dates don't have to mean you are ending up a couple.
