The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Down here in Texas it is a beautiful day indeed! I have the windows opened up and can hear the lovely sounds of the doves cooing and the other birdies chirping. My friend Norbert the cat and I were just hanging out on my front porch enjoying the day. Me in my chair, him in my lap. Both of us content and purring.
I went to my other program (church) this morning and heard something that made me smile. Our "speaker" asked a question. When was the last time you felt joy? The kind of joy that just makes you cry or laugh with your whole body. The kind of joy that is so good it almost scares you.
He went on to describe that for him, that joy happened for him at special moments like when his children were born.
I know what he meant. I also felt so grateful, because I feel that kind of joy much more often than at a birth or a special event.
I felt that joy just sitting on my porch with my friend Norbert. Hearing the birds. The sounds of the children next door in their back yard playing basketball, laughing, joyful. The smell of my yard, freshly mowed yesterday. My own laughter remembering something one of my human friends once told me.
As the person at church was talking about joy, I was feeling joy and gratitude. Gratitude because I am able to experience joy so much more often now. Life is good, life is great!
I was reading the board just now and see so much pain. I was in the chat room last night with a whole bunch of new comers in pain.
I remember what that was like. And I will not say my life is pain free now, because it is not. I suffer losses and hurts too. A very close program friend lost their son Friday to the disease of alcoholism. I share her pain in an attempt I feel, to absorb a little of it from her, and I offer her back my understanding and love to try to replace a little of her pain.
I know when I was new to program sometimes I would read or hear people's tales of happiness and joy. It would sometimes make me sad/jealous. Sometimes it would annoy me because I wasnt there with them. Sometimes it would lift me up out of my misery and offer me a glimpse of things to come for me.
I hope that those of you who are new and who are still suffering understand. I am not writing this to brag about how good my day is today. I am writing it to share with you some hope. I was there too suffering just 3 years ago. I understand your pain. I lived through it too. Just barely, but I did.
It does get better.
Happy, Joyous and Free. One of the sayings I heard that in the beginning baffled me. What is that?
For me, it is living with love in my heart. And letting the love deal with the problems and pains of the world that I live in. (I even drove by the gas station with the 3.05 a gallon gas without wanting to scream this morning!.. and that was tough!)
I think, for me, I feel joy when I let myself. I have a habit, a nasty one at that, of looking for the other shoe to drop. Lately, I've been in the midst of finals. So, given the chaos that finals creates, I obsess over being "perfect:" "I need the perfect paper..." "I need to pull off the perfect grade..." "I need to pull off the perfect impression..." How? Most of my grade's already done. There isn't much left to do. I've, by far, done well. Why am I now trying to squeeze myself into a bubble that I don't fit into? That I've never fit into? That's pretty straightforward. And I've heard the sentiment echoed here, too: Outside confirmation is easier to attain than inside validation. It's easier to measure myself, and my self worth, by things on the outside, than by actually looking at myself on the inside and giving myself permission to be okay. To say "I am a child of God and am perfectly perfect in his eyes." I always try to remember something I saw on a button at a meeting, a member was wearing it :You are a child of God; I'm gonna try and treat you that way so you'll remember it and I'll practice it. How true!
Just wnat to add my encouragement to those who need a little hope today: there IS hope, there IS healing, there IS joy. It may be a lifelong process for you as it has been for me: no instant solutions, a lot of uncertainty, many bumps and jolts as you ride along the road of your life.
I really hate when people hand me platitudes. I call platitudes "Bandaids put over cancer." grrrrrr I am talking about things I've experienced that have shaped my attitudes and about how my attitudes are pretty grim and cynical compared to those of the mainstream: But I still have my joys and I still have a sense of humor. It's taken work. The work was worth it.
Happy Sunday to you too! I had to respond to your post, because yesterday morning as I was watching out my sliding glass door I felt the same way. It had rained the night before and the robins were out digging some big night crawlers. There were also two rabbits eatting the grass. (helped me not feel guilty for not mowing) It looked so cute seeing the birds with the rabbits. One adventure some bird got too close to the bunny and the not so gentle bunny gave him a little kick. It surprised me, but at the same time I laughed out loud and felt really grateful for my long grass and comfy home.
I also have something for you to add to your gratitude list, gas here where I live in Washington State is now $3.44 a gallon. It sure makes your $3.05 sound cheep! Can ya give me something to help my screaming at the gas pump? lol
((((((((((david))))))))))) wow I loved your post Thank you....
I didn't feel joy till I had been here in theses rooms.... 3 years ago this month.. I have slipped,left,and said" I am doing so much better I don't need these rooms no more" Stupid thinking... Guess what I found NO JOY and all pain of my old behaviors came back and it was awful.... But i am BACK to STAY and finally feeling the JOY of the Program...... It feeeeeeellllllssssss so so so so so so so good....
Thank you for the post my friend...I can just imagine you and norbie relaxing on your porch enjoying a lovely Texas evening. I hope you and Norbie have many more wonderful evenings.
SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
((((David))) thank you for the wonderful post. I feel that.. toooooo. its soo possible for all of us as Alanoners....to feel such joy. ((All)) even me, (lol) c a n *learn* to live in the moment. To Stop and to make time., slow down enough to see and to smell the roses and to take time to play with the children and see the love for us through our childrens eyes and from even something so precious as our loving animals. Its easy. And its O-K to love Me. Love my "self" and feel life each day each moment as a blessing. I too feel nOw... such life and joy in my day. The love here..... in this loving fellowship and by working the tools of this wonderful program.. I have found love. Its' right here. has been all the time... Its all right here~ within me! To bring out and to live and love and feel life. I am so grateful. I just want to say to others. please give it a try.... to reallly work the program. Work the steps. Go to meetings and let others help to understand how so truly beneficial it can be. WorK IT YOU ARE WoRTh IT!
I was in The Big "D" of Texas this weekend visiting my Brother & his family - it was a great weekend to be in Texas. The weather was awesome.
I too am grateful for your post - grateful for this program & for recovery.
My AH was able to go with me on this trip. We travel very well together, always have. We agree no discussion of "issues" on the trip. Only relaxing conversations on sites we see, songs we hear on the radio, just take it One Mile at a Time.
Thanks to the support and input I have gotten from my Recovery family, I was able to have a wonderful time. To enjoy every moment and not be consumed with panic, worry and resentments over things I have no control.
Wish I could say that I stay in that frame of mind, I don't. But this weekend was one of those times I was able to let my HP take over and just enjoy the moments.
Sweet - very sweet.
- quite a Monkee's fan myself - I'm a Believer - is my one of favorite songs - of course - how co-depedent is that - "I couldn't leave her if I tried" ???? - lol !!
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What a wonderful post! I try and find a little bit of joy and happiness everyday no matter how small. I was walking to work the other day, smelling the lilac (my favorite smell as it reminds me of growing up) and I spotted a new kitty in the neighborhood. What a handsom bugger. But I was so busy looking at the kitty and enjoying the moment that I stepped into a ditch and fell. I didn't get hurt and I just had to laugh. That's me, the clutz.
There is joy in my recovery. Today is hubby's 1 year! There is joy in Pipers Kitty jumping up on her ledge for treats. While our home is small, it's finally our home again. I love watching the sun come up and see what each day has in store for us.
I can remember being in so much pain over my husband's addiction and the way I felt about me. But even in those dark times, I had to look for something to hold on to. I grabbed whatever I could find. I held on tight. Eventually those good times began to over shadow the darker ones. I finally remembered that the will always come out.
Much love and blessings to you and the "boys".
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
.. and that was tough!)
.Yep we all have pain, but in time we learn to live with what we have day to day. And to let go of our past.....
I feel that.. toooooo.
within me! To bring out and to live and love and feel life.
(((((david)))))
There is joy in Pipers Kitty jumping up on her ledge for treats. While our home is small, it's finally our home again. 
I love watching the sun come up and see what each day has in store for us.