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I have been going over and over in my mind about something that I have to get out atleast in writing so I can maybe muddle through it better. Also, recieving some ESH would be great.
My AH has been sober since the middle of Feb. I am very proud and happy for him for doing this for himself. He is working a great program and I wish nothing but the best for him. He has been staying with us every now and then for a couple of days here and there when he is not out of state working. Taking care of the lawn and outside things. Spending more time with the kids too. We all actually went on a day trip a couple of weeks ago and had a great time. It is also nice having my old friend back even though we are both different from before this all started we have found we are still great friends. AH wants to move back in full time when his rig comes back into the state. He says he wants to be here when the baby comes and experience all that with me because he was drunk throughout the pregnancy and birth of our older children.
Here is my problem. While I love having my friend back and seeing my kids' dad being a great father to them. I don't feel that I love him the way a wife loves her husband anymore. I don't know if just too much has happened or if it never really was love to begin with only being so dependent on him and him on me that it felt like it. I know that for most of my life I have been in love with this man, but now it feels more like love for a friend. Right now, I wouldn't be upset if he never came to live with us again. He tells me all these wonderful things like he used along time ago and it just doesn't make my heart pitter patter like it did then. Not that I don't believe him, but it seems like all my feelings are now different just when his are coming back out into the open. Then I wonder if it is just because I am pregnant and things don't feel the way I think they should because of hormones. Or is it how I am really going to feel about him now? Or has just too much in our past happened and I am really not over it all? Or am I just over reacting and not wanting to make the decision about him moving back in? Or do I just feel guilty because right when he gets sober I have different feelings for him and all the things I have ever wanted are no longer what I want? See, what I mean! lol! I am so confused, I really don't know how I feel other than I don't love him like I think I should. I am not IN love with him, that I do know for sure. Blah!!! I just don't know what to do or what to tell him.
Who would have thought??? After years of wanting him to be sober, he finally gets sober and I should have everything I have wanted I am the one who is on the fence.
Hon, wow let me tell ya YES a lot is hormones. A lot is all you have been thru. I would say right not is NO time to make any major decisions.
Also it is natural when your baby is born to focus on the baby not your mate. This is a normal hormonal thing.
I would keep things as is.
Also love it like that. I learned that. Sometimes things are hot and crazy, then they mellow out into sweet love, then just sorta ok, then omg I just feel like we are friends, what happened? But next thing ya know you want to kiss and hold hands and things change again. It is just how it is. That is the work of marriage. or part of it. Being friends is SO important, as went the hot goes away for awhile, you stil are buds.
I can tell you for sure, if you guys can work on things and allow and accept things how they are, later in life you will be so glad.
When we get to our late fouties and fifties, we NEED each other. And a new kind of love starts. Mine would find my glasses when i put them down, I would take out his slivers.
I cooked, he cooked once in awhile, spegetti every time.. lol but becuz he cooked it, it was the best.
Now my A is gone. I lose my glasses all the time, and cry. I fall and have to have my cell phone in case I am in trouble to call our son.
I have an animal sanctuary. He built me my barn, a cat room, pig houses and more.
Now I have to put in my own windows and build my own stuff.
Sleeping alone and no one to take my nightmares away...
If you can, I hope you can make it thru this. Believe me, life changes. Blew me away the first time I saw it.
I am in the same boat as you. My husband doesn't work out and sometimes goes a long time between haircuts. I don't know how often he brushes his teeth.
When did he decide he could stop trying to impress me? (or me him?)
Who knows? Maybe you really don't love him anymore. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it is maturity, and moving on to the next aspect of married love, which is often described as more of a friendship than the pitter pat of earlier days. Maybe you were addicted to the chaos of the drinking, and now that it is gone, it's just not fun anymore. Maybe you are just numb, after all that has happened, and your emotions need some time to settle down. Maybe now that he is no longer drinking, you are able to allow yourself to feel some of the pain of the drinking years, and this is how it manifests.
I would say, since there are children involved, to take it slow, and work through your feelings, and see what happens. You don't say how old you guys are or how long you have been married. I do know that 20 years together is not going to feel like 2 years - it's just not as fizzy, even in the best marriage.
Why not continue with your program, maybe get into a bit of marriage counselling (with a counsellor who has some experience with addictions - thsi is important) and see how you feel in 6 months? This baby is going to be born no matter what, so it's not like waiting a bit will do any harm.
Just some stuff I learned on this recovery journey.
I had the wrong definition of love...especially when the other was an alcoholic. I had to change my definition of love and picked up one from an Al-Anon member years ago that still works for me. "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE (unconditional love) on any other human being (including the alclohoic) for exactly who they are. This defines me as a loving person and not the other person as having to meet my expectations before I love them. HP loves me in this way so I gotta do this.
I learned that love is a natural condition. I believe that I was created to love and be loved so when I am not being loving...I am acting in an un-natural way.
I learned that the truth was I really did love my alcoholic and hated what she did while enslaved to the disease. It is that way still and I have to understand what I am hating. I hate the treatment. I love the person.
I learned that love is what I do easiest and best and when I am trying not to love I muck it up totally and end up not loving myself because of it. When I am loving, I also love and like myself.
I also learned that when I am loving I am most intune with my HP. My HP is love...as a part of my understanding of my HP.
If my HP loves me unconditionally, I neither have the justification or permission to do anything different.
Giving up on my ability to love drives me into depression. I have had a definition of depression from the program that says that depression is anger turned inward and despair is it's conviction. U g l y...
Fear is not good soil to plant the seed of love in; best plant it in faith.
