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My A has been out of my house since january. It has been so quiet here...nice... He has been back in a.a for afew weeks now and seems to be going well. I have booked a holiday to the U.S (I'm in Australia) to visit my best friend whom i havent seen in 12 years and i'm going for a month! very excited, but worried at the same time. I want to go away and enjoy myself, and just put all my problems behind me for that time, but i will be in contact with my A just to make sure he is ok and not too depressed. We are still on good terms with eachother.
The last time he went away, he went to visit his friend interstate, and they spent the whole time drunk. And i worried the entire time for his well being. I didnt enjoy one second of those few weeks i had to myself.
Now i am worried that while i am away, he will do the same thing, and i dont want it to ruin my holiday... i just dont know how to go and enjoy myself and Not worry. Any words of wisdom???
Good on you for booking a holiday... You've not saw your friend in twelve years...lol.My guess is you wont have much time to let him live in your head...
Just remember...
"One Day At A Time"...........
"Let Go And Let God"...........
"He Has A Higher Power Also".........
"Step One "I am Powerless".........
"Let It Begin With Me"...........
Im sure you will have an awesome time, And remember "You Deserve this and you are Worth it.
I am soooo excited for your trip! You're going to have a great time. Hopefully wherever you go here the weather will be wonderful.
A year ago I told hubby to pack his bags and go because I had had enough. I love him dearly, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Everyday we were apart, I desperately wanted to know what was going on. I knew where he was, but as for him being okay? I didn't know. So each day, I prayed to HP to take care of him. I would say: "Okay God, it's up to you to take care of him." I just turned him over to HP. At some point, life goes on. You'll be just fine.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I guess I would put this in the perspective of "What can I do about it?" So, what if one week into your trip, he let you know that he WAS in fact not doing well, and was depressed. Would you cut your trip short and run home to cheer him up?
If there is nothing you can do about a situation, then it is better not to know. I would consider cutting down on communication with him while you are gone. Maybe only contact him when it is for YOUR benefit - that is, when you feel that you have something you would like to share with him, when you feel that the contact would cheer you up, or make you feel good.
When obsessive, worrisome thoughts enter your mind, you can put them right out again. One way I do this is to allow a 'fret time' in my day - one period of 20 minutes or so when I let myself worry and obsess. If I find myself doing it at other times of the day, I just say 'No, I will think about that tonight' and refuse to allow the thoughts head room. Keeping busy is the key, here.
Trips away have always been a lesson in my own powerlessness. I had to ask myself, if I stay home will I be able to control what my A does-- will giving up living my life and enjoying myself prevent him from doing something stupid. If I stay home will it stop him from ....
The answer is no. They are going to do what they are going to do. They are adults that have to face their own consequenses, it does us and them no good to keep the mind set that we have the power to prevent them from screwing up.
Every time you have that thought cross your mind while visiting your friend ask yourself these questions:
Does my A spending this much time thinking about me?? Do I really have the power to control what he does?? Is my worring affecting him at all???
Then look around and see what you could be missing if you keep that line of thinking. Ask Hp/God to give you something else to focus on.
Sometimes just saying Hey! I'm not going to keep thinking like this and then actively participating in whatever is going on at the moment helps me. It's a choice, it's not easy but you can choose to live and have fun on this trip. Let us know how it goes
Just wanted to say have a safe trip and remember those slogans Ally posted. You might try to pack your CAL to read whenever you get that worried feeling. I agree with the other's, your A is a big boy and his sobriety and recovery is 100 percent his responsibility. He has the ability to say no to the drink or pick up again. Sounds like you need some R/R away to find the "fun in arty". Enjoy your friend and your travels. He'll still be there when you return, maybe this would be a good test for him too, gives him a chance to stand on his own two feet and manage his life without you there. An excellent growth opportunity for both of you. Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I know what you are talking about. I go through the same thing but not as much as I used to. For me, it was still thinking that I did have some power over him and if I was there that I could control the situation.
I know now that he is going to do what he is going to do whether I am at home or in another country. Sometimes now, I keep my phone off at night when I am away. If anything terrible happens I am sure I will have a message when I turn the phone on in the morning.
I agree with lino6o6...keep the communication to a minimum. There really is nothing that is going to happen while you are gone than if you were there.
Give him to his HP when you leave. Sometimes for me, out of sight out of mind.
How do you enjoy yourself? Well....... why dont you tell us what you will do to enjoy yourself?????? Just remember the 3 C's..... You did not cause it,,,,,,you cannot control it,,,and you cannot cure it. If the stinking thinking comes along you can recite the serenity prayer, and really think of the words as you say it. Hope you have a ball, and enjoy your time with your friend, and leave whatever is going on at home,,,,at home...... live in the moment.....................gardengal
Arm yourself with a list of meetings where you're going to be. You can find links to the different states' sites here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html If you find that you're losing your serenity with swirling obsessive thoughts, go get an alanon fix. I really like doing this when I go on vacation. I learn different ways members do meetings, and yet I still hear alanon esh and get healthy behaviours reflected back to me.
Thank you to all of you... very good advice from each and every one of you. I have heaps of fun times planned so i know i'll be busy, but on the times it creeps into my head, i am now armed with different ways of dealing with it. Surely it wont pop into my head while im at disneyland or vegas??? Anyway, very excited to be leaving this problem at home and just having FUN. And one thing i never thought of was going to a meeting while im there if it gets too much for me. Such simple solutions that i would never have thought of... my mind gets consumed with certain thoughts, and i usually cant see the different options and need them pointed out to me. THANKYOU ALL
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You're going to have a great time. Hopefully wherever you go here the weather will be wonderful. 