The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In 2005 Fitone, a newbie, said this about boundaries: "Letting go: the thing is you can't make a person be what they don't want to be you can't make them do what they don't want to do, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. "
I was looking up acceptence. About acceptance they said this: "accepting a person as they are, accepting their belifes, values, likes and dislikes. Live and let live. accepting a person at face value why dig in to someone else's life history? thats exactly what it is history ! its not the here and now."
"you know what I mean?"
fitone
Yes fitone, I know what you mean. I did a search and looked up acceptance in the history log of our board and I came up with your post. Being a newbie (then) I noticed that there were no replies to your post. Sad.
We as senior members have a lot to offer in e,s, & hope. But as a newbie (then) you offered me e,s, & h. That's how it works in this program. Help goes both ways.
Some thoughts on horses and boundaries: Horses are flight animals. (in fight or flight) If you push their boundary too far they will run (or buck). Respect a horses' "space" and they will let you in (a horse whisper technique). If they allow you to get in their "space" rub their forhead. If they are nervous, take a deep breath and let it out, they will too.
State your purpose to the horse by squaring your shoulders and looking him in the eye, little speech is needed. A firm, but gentle hand goes a long way. Consistancy teaches.
If only we could learn from horses.
Thanks fitone, you fit this one today. Hope you are still visiting this board. Java
Wow, two good subjects in one. Acceptance and boundries.
Acceptance for me has been a tricky one. I have a tendancy to let people walk all over me in the name of love, and what I thought was loving acceptance. But what it really was for me turned out to be my belief that I had to fix everything. Nobody else was capable.
Before you knew it... they might have been capable, but now they are just not willing to do anything for themselves. They didn't have to cause I did it.
Today, I try to accept that ...
- people don't have to agree with me all the time - just because I don't agree with someone, doesn't mean I have the right to try and change their opinion. - I don't have to live someone elses feelings... even if I care for them. - others can ask for help when they need it... it doesn't mean I don't care
Boundries for me were tough without figuring that out. Boundries as I understand it, are personal rules designed to protect us.
- If a particular repeat conversation ends up in a difference of opinion - it's done for me. I will agree to disagree and move on, weather the other person is ok with that or not. I don't have to allow someone to repeatedly try and convince me I am wrong... that messes with my serenity.
- I will offer my assistance, but I won't beg to help. I am seperated from my wife right now, and she tells me she has no gas money. I offered to fill her car. She has several reasons why I shouldn't do that... Ok. She is floored that I don't push the issue and to her it means I don't care enough to talk her into it. That is a form of manipulation and my boundry is I won't beg to put gas in her car. I offered and she said no. That is now a valid answer. It used to make me feel like an idiot for helping if I had to talk her into letting me help her. No more begging = no more resentment.
An important thing someone told me about boundries... they are to protect you against what you feel is unacceptable behavior. The "recipient" of this boundry is going to HATE that idea. That does NOT mean it is not valid, and enforcable.
There is no law that says you have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable for someone elses sake, and likewise that you have to allow anyone to do anything to you that you don't approve of.
For years I really believed that if my wife was upset enough about anything, that she must be right. Persistant temper tantriums do not equal truth. I still struggle with that one, because as I enforce my boundry, she is continuing to escallate her efforts to try and get her point across. (you see, I taught her over the years that if she screams loud enough, I will change my mind.)
Just a few thoughts... Got to get to bed, but thanks for the topic. Its a good one.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Just got home from my home group and decided to check in to the board. We have so much to learn about acceptance in recovery especially from the beginning stage. Over time we learn more and more from the literature and from each other. Acceptance is a strong thread (rope) that runs thru this program and other 12 step programs. From the big book of AA on page 439 and by Dr. Paul, "And I have found that whenever I am having a problem with something that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems." This is a paraphase. Within the definition of Love; I now have this, "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of any other person for exactly who they are." From the literature, "I don't have to accept the behavior only the fact of the behavior." Again that is a paraphase. Acceptance to me is attitude, behavior and characteristic of the recoverying person. There is more to read from the literature if you get into the glossary and appendix of our CAL.
Boundaries...I set them for me to keep me held within the program. My value systems are boundaries...again for me. Others who have different values that are outside of this spiritual program I don't have to fear or follow or allow to affect my life. I do have boundaries and set consequences for others who attempt to take advantage for me. These are more difficult, but not impossible to act upon. Because they involve relationships I react like rtexas, more uncertainly but in the end properly and within the guidelines of this program. The steps, traditions and concepts of the program are boundaries for me. The Serenity Prayer is boundary for me. The 3, 7 and 11 step prayers are boundaries for me. When I stay within and true to these boundaries I am free to live a happy and joyus life.
Thanks for the subject and share. Have a couple ((hugs)) ((hugs))
More good stuff on boundaries that I've found: A good boundary has six parts: 1) Clearly defined expectations 2) Clearly defined consequences that don't disturb your serenity. 3) Consistently enforeced without regard to relationship.
(now what were the other 3? lol) How about these: 4) "NO" is a complete sentence. It does not require explanation or embellishment. Be kind, be brief, be gone when I need to say something which may be difficult for me. 5) Set limits and stick to them. 6) Keep the Focus on Myself.
In setting boundaries I try to remember not to set walls. Walls lock me in and others out. Boundaries I can change if I want to...they are a safety net for me.
