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Well, my A has been dry for 5 weeks now. About 4 weeks ago he quit talking to me. I got scared and thought he was cheating, but I know better. He is not like that. He is 41 years old and has been drinking since he was 18. And for once he wants to quit, but has no program. He has been sleeping on the couch for four nights now. And it is killing me. I don't know what to do. I have no patience. For right now, I am going on with everyday life. I only talk if he says anything to me. Which is about never. I was kissing him good night and good bye for his head for the day. He acted like I had a disease. Now, I don't even bother telling him bye or kissing him on his head. Am I doing the right thing. Help me deal with a dry drunk.
Kept the focus on you. Make sure your own behaviour is what you want it to be - if you want to live in a household where people kiss each other and say good bye and hello, then do it. Your concern is not what he does, but what YOU do.
This means, since he is not meeting many of your needs, it is up to you to make sure these needs get met (in a healthy way, I'm not telling you to have an affair!). If you have nobody to talk to, do something about your isolation. If there is no joy in your life, get out and find some. There is no reason in the world that you need to sit at home and watch him be miserable.
An alcoholic not in recovery is a desperately unhappy person much of the time. It is not our job to fix that unhappiness - our job is to keep from being dragged into it. Fill your life with activities and people who are good for you and make you feel happy, and include the alanon program in that. The added bonus is that as he sees you getting better, it may be the kick in the butt he needs to search for his own recovery
You know that you've done nothing wrong to him. And he hasn't done anything wrong but he's stopped drinking without a program. That's what they call a 'dry drunk'. It doesn't surprise me that he acts the way he is and , given that he has no program to guide and help him, it could be that he blames you for his state of mind. I know how you feel! If it were me, I might be the one to initiate breaking the ice with a kind statement ( as kind as you can muster :) ) that says you are concerned about how he's feeling. Something along that order. I wouldn't be cool or anything like "what is your problem"( hard as it would be. 5 weeks is a long time! Something's gotta give. He may very well not answer and he may very well drink again. So you have nothing to lose by trying. Just don't be surprised if he does drink again. I found with my A that whenever he quit with no program, he always drank again sooner or later. And when he did, I finally had understood how this is sickness and that he didn't mean to hurt anyone. I told him I knew he'd be feeling awfully sick at that time, suggested he go to bed (or on the couch)helped him to bed , gave him a pain killer and big glass of water to keep by him, kissed him good-bye and then left for work. I overheard him a day or two later, telling a friend who came over that the way I treated him made him feel good. He said he felt like he was somebody. Of course, he had much work to do on himself ( we each still do) but it was my realization how sick he is. If I were you, I'd be prepared for another bout of drinking especially since he has no program and how you will handle it. Hope it helps...jaja
Program has taught me a really great concept -- that, although my AW could be miserable, anxious, irritable and discontent, I could still be light and happy. And sometimes, that happiness could even turn the tide of her discontent. As it has been said, the focus is on ME, MY behavior, MY part. I am only in control of me.
It sounds like your Hub is trying to do something good... stay sober. Well, people do not change overnight, and you are absolutely right about having to have patience. I've learned that no matter who I am with, or what the circumstances, I can usually keep my serenity by being authentic. I will be totally honest about my feelings, and not hold back for fear of an outcome. With that, though, I have to employ the old "I'll say what I mean, mean what I say, but will NOT say it mean."
A kind word goes a long way.
Keep coming back!!!
Yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I was reading what lino606 wrote you and it couldn't be more true. My husband is an A and he still only 2 years dry sits on the couch and isolates at times and I used to stay home with our 4 year old son and wait for him to want to do things with us and think of things every weekend to make him him "happy" and "want" to hang around with us but that got old very fast because I was unhappy and so was my son so I decided to go and take my son places and enjoy my life. Maybe someday he will be in a place he will see all the fun we are having and want to join. This isn't easy for me to do all the time but when I do and am glad I am doing it for myself and my son. I still sometimes go back to old habits and stay home but then I am miserable with myself and then get mad at him and it isn't worth it. You aren't alone in this and I hope this helps. I hope to talk with you soon. If you want to talk later you can post or do a private message anytime. It would be nice to have someone close on the board too.
I really like what lin0606 said. My A has not quit drinking but he has also been giving me the silent treatment. He has done this before and I have talked to him about it and things would be ok for awhile and then it would start again. I usually do give him a kiss before he goes to work but other then that I have stayed away from him. When he comes home form work he sits in front of the TV most of the night and does not talke to me at all. I have gotton resentful because he spends most of the time in front of the TV while I do all the house work and take care of the kids. He just isn't the same person I married. I had thought of getting a divorce but we still have two kids to take care of. I have let my self esteem get low because of the way he has been behaving. I think what I am going to do is work on making myself happy and try to do things in my power to improve our relationship. I am going to do some fun things with my kids this summer and hang around positive people. Maybe that will help me not feel so hopeless. Thank you lin0606.
When my AH had been sober for, oh, at least six months, I remember complaining to my sponsor, "it's like we don't TALK at ALL". And she said, "He can't. He's using every ounce of energy to stay sober." Wow. After six MONTHS? Yes. So I went to Alanon meetings, where I could be heard, and talked there, and started working on my own attitudes, and understanding of the disease of alcoholism. And gradually, my AH and I started to be able to talk again. The fact that I had been working on myself in the interim helped. A lot.
Heartless hei is stark raving sober full of shame and guilt and quite possibly impotent , goes with the territory , but things will return to normal soon . hehe Be respectful and don't stop reaching out to him , I know it's hard when u get nothing back but if u withdraw too it is truly a long way baccccckkkkkkk. Every fiber of his being is screaming for booze and he is looking at life sober for the first time in along time. Have patience don't expect too much too soon and don't take this personally . Like others have said keep the focus on your own needs he will work thru this don't take on his moods leave them with him where they belong. Remember n othing u say or do will make him drink again , after all u were not the reason he drank in the first place . One day at a time u can do this . Stay focused and lots of meetings . will do it . Louise
