The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Looking for Blue Eyes by Crystal Gayle: "I'm looking for blue eyes, I can't seem to find him, he 's been away now, for so long..." (probably my interpretation....does anybody know the real lines to this song...can't get it out of my head...")
My first A husband and I married at a very young age , we grew up together. I was 19, he 21. Too young to know better. He was A, but I didn't know that either. I wasn't raised in an A home. All I knew was that I loved him. He had blue eyes.
His Alcoholism I didn't understand. I thought it was my fault. (I could certainly fix it if I loved him enough, or so I thought). Wasn't true. Love doesn't heal all wounds, unless it's HP's love... HP, whom I chose to call God.
Four and a half years of marriage. Five and a half years of hell, and a bit of "heaven" if not for the "heaven" why would I have stayed? San Saba, Texas heaven, God's little half-acre. I loved that place. IN the book, "All I ever knew I learned in Kindergarden" San Saba is described as a place set back in time...well...it is, or it was. It has been 20 years since I lived there with Mal. I have thought of him every day since.
I knew that the alcoholism would destroy the marriage. It did, but somehow it didn't destroy the love...
I wish I had known about al-anon back then, but HP knows best. It wasn't time. I had to marry another A and also a ACOA before I really truly understood the disease of alcoholism. THe ACOA taught me the most about the family disease of alcoholism and 16 years in the program didn't hurt! lol
But the original A, the love lingered through it all....why? I would ask myself. Why? Dreams would come at intervels throughout the 20 years. The first was tragic, Mal was living outside in a tent, or shack....couldn't tell, i was searching, searching....couldn't find him. THis dream occured around 1988, two years after we divorced.
Several years passsed, and marriages. Another dream...Mal at a half-way house, I am still searching...he comes down to greet me. Says he's doing better....I awake feeling better.
2003.....traumatic year for many reasons, but another dream...Mal's driving a semi-truck, makes contact with me (in the dream) illusive, but in touch. I wake up feeling anxious....Pray that HP will care for him where-ever he is.
2005...I have final dream. I am in a town set back in time. Cobblestone streets. I walk up to the general store where some old men are sitting. "Who's that man over there at the livery stable?" I ask. "He's a drifter, Mam, just passing through." they explain. "I think I know him, I'll go introduce myself" I say.
As I get closer (in the dream) I see that it's Mal. "How ya doin'?" I ask. "Good" says he.
"What ya up too these days?" I say. "I live off the land, like the true trapper that I am," says he. "Come let me show you," he says. "Ok" I say.
We walk through the livery stable. It's dark and musty, cold and damp. The bed Mal's made for himself is out of old straw, one "flake" thick. How uncomfortable to sleep I'm thinking to myself.
"I have a nice big barn with breeding stalls and birthing stalls down the way, wouldn't you rather stay there without this old musty barn smell," says co-dependent me.
"No, thank you," Mal says (in the dream) "this suits me fine. Let me show you, what I mean"
He walks me through the barn out the back door. It opens to a huge open pasture where sunlight spills through the trees. It's like walking from the dark of insanity into the light of awareness.
"Everything I need is here," Mal says. "The plants are ....and he names them, each for there own purpose. The land offers it's bounty of food, I'm fine. I'm happy. You don't need to worry about me anymore."
The dream ends. I awake. I feel like I've just talked to him. Bizzare.
I can't shake the feeling. I call his step-brother after 20 years, the only person who still has the same address. We had always been close, I thought he would understand, I had to tell someone...I told Paul.
"That's bizzare Lisa," he said. "no one has seen Mal in 10 years. None of the family." THe dreams fit with the story of his life right up until the time he disappeared. He'd been living on the Colorado river....destitute, broke.
I remembered what i had heard in an AA meeting once, you will get locked up, covered up (die) or sober up. I had prayed for him. He couldn't quit. I had a feeling it was my HP's way of telling me....he's ok now Lisa, he's with me, he's ok. I loved him till the end. I don't know that he's not on this earth anymore, but I suspect that he's gone to be with his HP....
This is my story, this is my song; yet, how much time I wasted, waiting for "Mal" to come back. Basically 20 years of my life. Some of us are slower learners than others, yet it's progress not perfection. Thank you HP, whom I chose to call God, to help me to Let Go and Let God ... take Mal. I can now go on with my life, ODAT.
