The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband used to be a serious alcoholic, before we met, and alcoholism runs heavily in his family AND culture. He has slowed down a LOT...he drinks on a regular basis, but only a beer or two...but occassionally he gets drunk. Between his familys' history of alcoholism and his own compromised liver (due to contracting Hepatitis A from water where he grew up), I worry.
He always says he will stop and then when he gets drunk he always asks for me to forgive him and that i made a promise to be with him forever. The thing is, I don't know where I belong since he only gets drunk about twice a month, sometimes less, and compared to other so-called alcoholics, this compares as "mild" I suppose...but it really hurts our relationship. Last night I had to pick him up, drunk, at 4am, when I work 10 hr days beginning at 7 am...needless to say, he vomited and didn't go to work, this is a weeknight! totally irresponsible!!
What is my role in all of this as a wife? I feel like because we are already married and i am very stubborn, that I have lost leverage/power over this issue. The only cards I can play at this point are "let's take a break" or "we just won't have any kids until this is resolved." I used to be really supportive, but now I am just mad and angry and say things to hurt him when he drinks. This issue, between alcohol and weed (he doesn't do any other drugs), always seems to creep back into the relationship...but he is so functional and does not always do these things daily...HELP...i just feel confused and like we belong in a grey area...
The best thing for me was to leave him alone. Stay close enough if he asks for help but not closed enough that he can suck you into the drama of an A. My husband used to tell me that was the last time all the time until the next time. I am learning myself every day to make yourself happy first because you can't make him doing anything. I have tried everything in the book I think. I found if he is or has been drinking to take my son and leave go do something that makes you happy. I hope this helps. We can still be happy with the A.
Yes... I'd say you are in the right place. Welcome to MIP, keep reading posts here and learn everything you can about Aism. What I was told when I arrived at Alanon was if his drinking and using is a problem for me then its a problem. Recently I attended a class on Addiction as it pertains to Child Welfare. The woman teaching the class went through some very interesting information. There are all types of addicts out there. Some are very functioning while others are not. Hey did you know a binge is considered four or more drinks back to back. I didn't know that. Your husband could be a binge drinker. Alanon is here to help the family's of those who suffer with addiction. My AH used alcohol and marijuana as well. He worked, took care of the kids, but in the evening he used substances to numb out his life. At first it started sporadically but as time passed the disease progressed and he began using every night.
You do have options, this message board and the support here will help you find those options. If you have face to face meetings in your area you may want to go one evening and check it out. The slogan "Let It Begin With Me" comes to mind. Let the healing begin with me, let the insanity fade away, let that begin with me. Let the truth come out, let that begin with me. I realize now that I wasn't loving my husband in the most healthiest way. My anger and resentment along with my reactions to his drinking kept the disease alive. I rescued and enabled him way too much and he became dependent on my care and love. He abused my care and love and I let him. Once I hit my bottom I began seeking out ways to get me healthy. It is not an easy road. We are living in two separate homes now. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and be the man he wants to be. He needs to learn better coping skills with life besides running to alcohol and drugs to numb out the pain.
I need to learn how to live a life free, joyous, and peaceful for me regardless of what happens to him. Alanon helps me do this. Keep coming back, this works if you work it.
Peace, Twinmom~
P.S. Best thing I read in "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet Woititz was to stop getting in the way of his drinking and using drugs. Once I stopped it took about 4 weeks for his addiction to get so out of control I had to ask him to leave and go to Detox.
-- Edited by twinmom2 at 14:26, 2007-05-15
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
If a person's alcohol use is negatively impacting on your life then you do belong here. Welcome
Take the time to read through some of the posts and responses on this board. I have gained a wealth of knowledge doing this. There are online meetings daily.
I have found for me that alanon is about me and taking back my power.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ). The fact that you've even found us, tells us that you most certainly do belong here. An addict is an addict is an addict - no matter the amount they use or drink. You're life has been impacted negatively by it and that's all that is "required" to belong.
I strongly urge you to go back and read old posts, join us for online meetings or chat. Look for a local chapter in your area. Read about this disease. Learning all you can about was of great help to me in understanding what was going on.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if your husband seeks recovery or not. It is about taking back your life, and improving the quality of your life. It doesn't mean that you have to leave or stay. You will be empowered to make the decisions you need to make as you work through your program. It is amazing.
Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Yes you do. There simple fact that you feel the need to ask that question and that you're trying to reach out proves it.
Some of us here have active A's, some have grown up in alcoholic families, some have AA's who have been sober for years...it doesn't really matter, the fact is, we are or have been affected by it.
Please do come back. U will find all the support and understanding you need here. So many of us have been where you are.
I'd like to stress to you to find a meeting. You will learn that it's perfectly OK to love your husband and also have your own boundaries that would provide you the peace to go back to sleep at 4 a.m. and let him deal with his own consequences. Alanon helps us to learn that "fixing" is destructive in it's own way. If we keep fixing, saving and rescuing the problem drinker/alcoholic is allowed to continue on doing what they've always done.
You asked what your roll is as his wife? I would say that it is not to make the drinking easy in any way. For me, that would include no chauffering, no cleaning up vomit, no making excuses for him or anything else that the disease brings. Allow him to own it, it's his.
Your roll is to take care of yourself first. Find yourself, set boundaries. Decide what you are willing to do and what causes you to feel that loss of power. Alanon can guide you every step of the way and help you take back your power. It's all about you and finding peace from here on in.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I too am glad you have found this site. I don't have to add anything to what has already been given freely to you. I am blown away by the amount of recovery that has reached back out to you as you have reached out to this family group.
Your place is here. Take a seat and continue to listen and learn. We will love you here until you learn or relearn how to love yourself and take back control of your peace of mind, soul and serenity from your alcoholic addict.
Before making any attempt to engage the disease or the person come here and ask for support and suggestions. In time you will find a guide (sponsor) in the program who will hold up the light of her experience, strength and hope and help lead you out of the jungle of confusion you must certainly be in now. I was there once, for a very long time until I found the rooms of Al-Anon including this recovery site.
). The fact that you've even found us, tells us that you most certainly do belong here. An addict is an addict is an addict - no matter the amount they use or drink. You're life has been impacted negatively by it and that's all that is "required" to belong.
