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Just as I'm making huge strides in a positive direction, having fewer tough days-- BAM!! My A tries to come crawling back to me... begging me for my forgiveness and admitting that he made a mistake!! Telling me how much he misses and loves me... Asking me go to dinner... Telling me that I was the best thing to ever happen to him and apologizing profusely for screwing things up...
He is just shy of 6 months in AA and is apparently doing very well with it.
Is it ok to accept his apology? Could this be his way of making amends to me? Is it ok to have dinner with him? Is it ok to let him know that I've moved on and that I would welcome his friendship, but thats all? Is it ok to cry over him?
I dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do I let him back into my life? Do I ignore his attempts at reconciliation? The sincerity in his voice was so intense.
I know in my heart that I can't be in a relationship with him again. But how much will it set me back to accept his friendship? I am so confused. All I've been doing is thinking about him. Could he have changed in 6 months? Could his sobriety be a permanent thing in his life?
I just dont know what to do. Am I setting myself up to have my heart broken again if I let him back into my life, even as just a friend?
I think I know the answer... but I need some input here.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
One of my biggest struggles is to love myself as much as I love someone else. For me, I have begun to look at: What do I Need To Do To Support My Long-Term Serenity? Focusing on the fact that I deserve peace and long-term serenity has helped me make decisions that support my goal, and helps me put boundaries in place to protect myself.
Your post is like a mirror image of the feelings and thoughts I have running through me. Could he have permanent sobriety in 6 months? Don't know. I am not judging my AH by his intentions or words any longer, but looking at his behaviors and actions. Is he actively working a program of recovery with a sponser? Is he maintaining his own expenses and taking responsibility for his life? Has he been able to learn new coping skills of communication? (That is a big one for me, since our fights have led to many quick reactions in both of us)
Is this an attempt at an amends? Not sure only he will know the truth in that. If this is sincere enough for you to take and heal from it, that's good. You know what is best for you. If you have to cry over him, cry. You are human and love is not something that just magically disappears. I am trying very hard to set boundaries to my relationship with my AH. While we are living in separate homes, we are still actively in a loving relationship, or trying to be. The boundaries are for me, not him. If he doesn't want to respect those boundaries that is his choice, but I need them to protect my heart, my peace, my serenity. He will not consciously make a decision that will protect both of us right now, he can barely make a decision to protect himself or his home.
Real change takes time, sounds like he's doing great with his recovery hope he keeps it up. Keep up your recovery too and making those good decisions that take care of you.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I have been where you are before. I went back for love and then more recently for friendship. It sounds like you are feeling very confused and this program has taught me that when I am confused I do not have to decide anything. If this is real, if it is what you want, if he is sincere then all of that will be true in a few days, weeks or months. He has hurt you deeply, take care of yourself and your heart and don't rush into anything. Only time will tell. So if you don't know what to do, do nothing. The answers will be come clear to you in time.
Nobdoy except you and your HP know the answer to your questions, of course, but there are some good guidelines to help us when we are struggling with these decisions....
Is he in a committed program of recovery, and actively working it? Is he allowing you to continue on your path of recovery? Is he willing to make a plan, with you, on what you should both do, in the event of a relapse? Can you allow him to work his program, without feeling that YOU have to manage and control it? Are you able to take care of yourself, with him around?
Hopefully some or all of these might help a bit, if for nothing else, than to make you take a step back and look at things as they are....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Is it ok to accept his apology? YES. Could this be his way of making amends to me? YES. Is it ok to have dinner with him? NO. Is it ok to let him know that I've moved on YES and that I would welcome his friendship, but thats all? NO Is it ok to cry over him? YES
The above should not be construed to be advice. You asked the questions, and I have answered them according to the way I feel.
Good luck. Take care. Hang in.
Diva, thinking pink
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I would suggest thinking about all the heartache you have expressed in your previous posts. If it would help, re read them. You have come a great measure, for sure. The reason, most possibly, he is coming back to you, is because he found himself alone with himself again, and it is extremely lonely when you do not like yourself to be alone wiht yourself. It is easier to be with other people and have them love you. When you are working a program and with people who are workign a program you are being taught how to live with yourself vs be with yourself. I think you may want to consider how far you've come before you take him back.
If he's really working a good program, and he truly regrets playing with your head the way he did, he will gladly back off and take it very, very slowly, giving you all the time and space you need to come to a healthy decision for you.
If he continues to push you and call you over and over he's not sorry, he's not working a very honest program (maybe he just can't yet), he's just acting out of desperation and loneliness, the same thing you've realized in yourself -- not a real healthy start.
For me and my A, it's not a matter of the little details, like meeting for dinner to talk (should I or shouldn't I?), or where I sleep or how I spend my time. Here's where I must be brutally honest with myself, and often deny myself a momentary relaxation into fantasyland. If I feel "pulled in" or coerced in anyway to the point I'm asking others for insight, that means something is wrong and I need to not decide to do anything. It's just as likely something is wrong with ME but so what, I'm not perfect and I have every reason to hesitate to jump back in the marital bed. And as long as my A continues to insist I do, without himself being willing to back off and give me room to begin trusting him again, then I'm being sucked into his chaos and I won't go there.
