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My A boyfriend, that lives with me, came home from AA drunk. He said that he didn't like what was said. He got angry with me cause I wouldn't talk to him cause he had been drinking. I told him to leave and he started packing a bag. Then he kept talking in front of my 15 yr old and his 5 yr old. I told him that I was calling the police if he didn't leave. He kept on at me to call ! so I did and they came over. They told him that they couldn't make him leave cause he lives here too but they could arrest him if he left the apt. They left and then he walked out to his truck and they were waiting on him! He went to jail ! He called me 4 times from jail but I did't answer. I started packing his clothes and putting it in his truck. Im scared that I will lose my job cause I am the asst. apt manager. I feel so ashamed and scared! The kids are made at me cause I made him leave. They don't know that he got arrested ! Now what? I've been going to meeting and working my program but tonight I feel like I've just hit rock bottom!
(((Stepgirl)))) If there are children involved, there is NO easy way. My middle child does have her father in her life. I had a hair follicle test done on him and had his parental rights terminated! My daughter was not understanding why fully. I just told her what I though at her age (7) could understand. I told her that her dad had to work some things out. It had nothing to do with her or I. It just had to do w/her dad getting stuff figured out and also that there was nothing I could do to make anything happen faster. My suggestion from this story, let the kids know a bit. You can let them know that "dad" had to go away to take care of a few things and will not be back home until someone other than you tells him it is ok. Letting them know he has something to take care of I think is broad enough to let them know that it may not happen in a day or two. It may take longer. It took my ex over a year to see her w/out supervision. I would really try hard not to bash him in front of the kids, but don't lie either. Tell them things that they (at there age) would understand. Your 15 yr old probably understands pretty well what is going on. Don't hold any punches. Let them know that he needs to get some help. Has your teen ever gone to Alateen? May be a good time to start?! Also, for his 5 yr old, that is really up to you. Are you willing to take responsibility for this child? If so, be honest. let them know that their dad had to go take care of something and that your not sure when he'll be done or when he can see them. Please remember, if you try to lie to the kids, it is SO hard to keep track of the lies. Then you get even more blame. Be honest with yourself and your / his kids. PS. Your job, well, put that one in God's hands. If you are meant to be there, you will stay. If not, it is time for you to move on. You never know what God has in store.
When I first came to program, the disease had it's grip consistently over my thoughts. It was chaos. It was literally killing me. Death by stress. I did not have much to hold on to, let alone to climb back to somewhere sane. Yet, when I got to these rooms (of al-anon), there were a few things that really really worked for me.
I convinced myself that I was powerless over alcohol, my alcoholic, the stress, what people think of me, controlling anyone else's actions and my life had certainly become unmanagable. --- From that perspective, I decided to attempt quitting my participation in those events.
A wise person also told me, "What other people think of me is NONE of MY business." -- The shame I had in my life was entirely what I put in my life. I was married to an A, and that life is hard and painful. Today, I can look back and see that I shouldn't have hid my thoughts, emotions and feelings behind shame. It really tore me up inside.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
What you can do is hold your head up; you are doing the best you can with what you've got to work with -- and you are here doing work, learning new skills and tools, and that is something to be proud of.
I had to take it one day at a time... sometimes, one minute at a time. Keep coming back!!!
With love, CJ
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Stepgirl, I cannot help but wonder WHY you live with this man, all the while subjecting your child to his behavior????? Is it because, "I love him?" You have the choice, Stepgirl, to pack his duds and ask him to leave with them, or to leave yourself. My mind doesn't wrap around any good to be attained by staying with an abusive BF for any reason whatever.
Nope, you didn't cause it...you cannot control it...and you cannot cure it. But, you can surely kick it out, and that is exactly what I would do!!
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
