The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in a bad place tonight. I know I will push through it, but it just has been a rough day.
It's mothers day... and we have a decent day with my AW. Small gift that my Son picked out, roses from me and a card. She liked it. Out to eat and then... she says well, time to go. And she goes back to her apartment.
Now, she shot a few zingers at me on the way to the car, and had a pity party on the phone for a short time. But, it floors her that no matter what unfortunate things happen at the appartment I don't just drag her home and save her.
How does life get so distorted? Over 15 years of marriage, we went from loving each other as people, to being each others posession. I feel the responsability to fix her problems (and guilt when I don't), and she expresses that I owe her completeness weather I like it or not.
I was able not play the games, didn't go running to her place, didn't argue or justify... and that helped me so much. I have done it all in the past. Always makes me feel like crap. (or like an idiot, for the level it all goes too.)
So I used my program, and did it pretty well... but I just feel like ... less than serene.
Sorry to be a downer on Mothers day... I just had to share.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is hard isn't it? I bet you sometimes think about how nice it was and where did my loved one go?
Do you have times when you start feeling this love for her, and then ya see her and it is NOT who you loved?
I am sad you feel bad. You gave and did what any "normal" person would do, however the disease did not appreciate it. it is so hard knowing your loved one is lost somewhere inside that disease.
Glad you came here and opened up. You are an excellent example for your son. love,debilyn
I, too, get those feelings; my AW oozes that thought pattern and stays on her path of being a victim of virtually everyone. Before program, I would feel horribly guilty if I did not fix, calm, distract, or let her issues be the center of our little universe.
Today is a better day; not because we are separated, but rather that I have learned how not to enable. I can let her walk her path as irritable, anxious or discontent as she and her Higher Power deem necessary. I can now acknowledge that she has the right to live in that discontentedness.
Still, that does not take away a lot of the pain in knowing that I loved her, and still love her on many, many levels. There is pain in knowing that there are others in her life that try to "fix" her and keep her from these bottoms. There is even more pain in knowing that she believes I am the cause or object of those feelings.
I grieve for her, yet, I absolutely have to set parameters over that grief or else I obsess and jump back on my own merry-go-round.
When times get to tough for me to deal with it as a whole, I end up having to reach out and pick up that 200LB phone. 4 meetings a week is what it takes for me to not live in my head. I just keep coming back.
Thanks for listening, yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Your not a downer , your human got a glimpse of what could have been , should have been and isn't . good that you could take her out for moms day . How did you get to where your at ??? alcoholism got u there , plain and simple. This too shall pass . Louise
Rtex (((((hug's))))) for you, I think your amazing to stand strong in such circumstances, You are doing great really, it's never going to be easy, and old behavour is hard to break the habit of, but if nothing changes, nothing changes, you are changing though, and becoming stronger, don't beat yourself up for that, you deserve a big (((((((((((hug)))))))))))))) take care. Katy x
Sorry you had such a rough time. As you know, this too shall pass. It's hard not to feel responsible. I take way too much on my shoulders as well. Sometimes we just have to recognize the feelings, and then let it pass. Meanwhile, I'll keep you in my prayers.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your right R. Sometimes love is not enought. Sometimes we love and get hurt anyway. That is the way it has to be. (I just heard Joan Jett singing "Love Stinks" in my head , though I don't really agree with that..it sorta sums up the way it is sometimes). It sure is annoying that we need pain. Why would HP create pain in the first place....and not that, imho, I think He puts us in pain, but that He created it in the first place. I think it was because He knew what we humans were gonna be like with free will. And we were gonna need a tool to help us to see when we were doing the wrong thing. For our own protection and growth.
This is one of those times when working the program is hard. When we know what is reality, when we know what we have to do, but the lure of going back to the old delusions we used to hang on to is strong. That desire for the way we things "should" or "could" be if only...........
I think you did a great job of working the program my friend. I know it's not easy.
I really like one of the things that Debilynn said , "You are an excellent example for your son". That is so very true.
Yep!! I totally identify. I've had a bad day too,and am in the same place as you. It's SO tough isn't it?
You're doing great. Sometimes I feel like it's all just too hard,and feel like caving in,but then I KNOW where that goes too! And it's not a nice place either.
Hang in there (((Rtexas))))
Today is one of those days when I wish I had a magic wand!!
My heart feels for you. So glad you posted, that's huge progress rather than isolating, denying our feelings or thinking we are alone.
This is a tip that helped/helps me so much when I am trying to determine reality versus "my dream of the life I have created"
I get out the ole notebook and I write two columns. One is entitled the things that I can't stand about Person X and the other is entitled things that I loved about same Person X.
When I am feeling anger, hate (did I say that word), frustration, pulling my hair out of my head, I read the column of things that I loved about that person. When I am feeling vulnerable, wistful, thinking maybe .......... coulda, woulda, shoulda, I read the column of things that I can't stand.
I find for me, it gives me balance (something I always strive for) and it also gives me the perspective I need when I am feeling my feelings that are ever-changing and ever evolving.
love in recovery (((((((((R)))))))))) Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hate so much that you were experiencing that painful time last night.
I was able not play the games, didn't go running to her place, didn't argue or justify... and that helped me so much. I have done it all in the past. Always makes me feel like crap. (or like an idiot, for the level it all goes too.)
Although it makes us feel like crap, it is part of taking care of ourselves and really allowing our A's the dignity to walk their own path. Doesn't really feel very comfortable for me either - but I'm like you, trusting in my HP's guidance that this is the right thing to do for right now.
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm so sorry to hear you had a rough day but I bet your son thought it was wonderful. You know you did the right thing with the card & flowers & Mother's Day is a big deal, a special day, for most kids, & he got to see Mom & Dad together even if just for a bit. You have to do what's right for you & take care of your feelings too. Your support is here in MIP & all your friends wish you well. Hope
((rtx)) I read this in the book "Stop being manipulated" "People who attempt to manipulate you are actually paying you a complement. They are acting out of fear or hurt and are recognizing how powerful you are. They are seeing how they are in reality, and are trying to re take control that they do not have. As a result, you are now the one in the control of the situation, even though you may not feel that way. If you decide to, you can stay in control and still be respectful of this person and their feelings." It's not an exact quote, but it was so striking that I never forgot it. It's very true. People who are manipulative and cruel generally are so because they feel so low that they realize people who are not in this position are better off; so, like Mamma Bear told Sister Bear in the Bearenstien Bears "They feel better when they tear others down."
I am so sorry...it can be so painful. Loving an adult who takes no responsibility and blames me for everything is exhausting and your words are so true...sometimes love is not enough.
Your post is a wonderful example of working this program. Reaching out to those in recovery, as opposed to getting sucked back into the chaos.
, though I don't really agree with that..it sorta sums up the way it is sometimes). It sure is annoying that we need pain. Why would HP create pain in the first place....and not that, imho, I think He puts us in pain, but that He created it in the first place. I think it was because He knew what we humans were gonna be like with free will. And we were gonna need a tool to help us to see when we were doing the wrong thing. For our own protection and growth. 
, "You are an excellent example for your son". That is so very true. 
