I think I became a person who either lived in the past or well into the future. The five year relationship with my addict moved through a progression of my launching into "fixit" mode, then the response of persecutor, followed by victim. Looking back at it I think that the five year affair with an active addict challenged every fear I ever had, every bit of hope, love and belief I had, that I found it difficult in living in the present. I reacted to his behaviours and worried endlessly, all boundaries I had were bowled over and confusion was my companion. I used to like hearing other people talk because the talk around me was driving me insane.

My addict is now in recovery though we are not together. at first this was hard as I still grapple between love and pain. It will be sometime before i will be able to forgive him completely but I okay with feeling that at the moment. And I am working hard on making everyday a better day and slowly putting the pieces back together for myself. I now take what I like about things I have done for myself in the past and apply them to my present day. I make plans for the future but live for the moment and practice nurturing myself with kindness and surrounding myself with supportive and positive people. I try to avoid negative situations so that I don't get caught up in stuff that is not mine and I am so pleased that I have found a way to recover as I put myself back together again. I am learning that I can only speak from my experiences and that I cannot fix others. For this reason I choose also not to take myself into another relationship, or even seek a partner until I am feel that I can make a sound choice and am completely rounded in myself. And I am thankful that we have this site and Al-anon to find support, sharing, openness and understanding that offers significant others what we need. So much in recovery literature and community support seems to be aimed at the Addict/alcoholic and it has taken me some searching to find this place. 

thanks to everyone
x