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Today has been a very hard day for me. I have missed my husband so much. I know that I did the right thing by asking him to leave but MAN, my heart is BROKEN in pieces.. He has taken everything this time and it is so final... A divorce is on the horizon and even though I know that it is the right thing it is one of the most difficult things I have gone thru in my life. All week I have done really good staying busy and not missing him nearly as much as today.. Why is today so hard? It has been one week since he took his stuff and left. :( I feel like crying but I dont want my kids to see me cry over and over again for him. They have seen me shed more tears than any child should have to witness their Mom crying. So I sit here with my heart just breaking wondering who he is with and what he is doing ? If he misses me as much as I miss him ? Why hasnt he called the kids, it has been over a week since he has seen them ? They are hurting too . Tonight he went to his nieces graduation and didnt even ask the kids to go with him. Heck he hasnt even called them and gets angry that they dont call him. They are angry and hurt and are waiting for him to call them (I guess they are all stuborn ) !!
I just cant seem to get past todays feelings...I am having such a HORRIBLE day!!
Prayers are with you. You are going to be OK. I can't say how exactly I am getting thru a situation similar to yours but I am. This program, a wonderful sponsor, and my HP. Just keep reaching out, keep posting. This to shall pass.....and then it'll take another swipe at you......and then another. We're here for you. I am so sorry you are going thru this. You are not alone.
Immaturity -- he is expecting the kids to cry out to him. He wants to be shown how he's missed. It hasn't probably crossed his mind that it's his responsiblity to maintain a relationship with his children, that that is what fathers do.
Let me give you a for instance, my A to my then 8 yr old son. "Fine then I won't call if you are too busy to talk to me." At an amusment park, "If you won't ride with me, then I'll just go off and ride what I want to ride." Immaturity. It boggles the mind -- but it's part of the disease.
I remember how I'd just go off to the bathroom and sob, I'd pray my kids couldn't hear me. You have to let it out -- it's too painful to keep inside. Even knowing that what you are doing is what is best, doesn't take away the pain. Just keep moving forward a little at a time. Remember what was real, all the bad and the good, there are reasons you are where you are at. In order for things to be different than they were, something would have to change. If there hasn't been a change, everything would go back to being exactly the same as before.
Sometimes I think I mourned not so much what I actually lost, but what I thought I had lost. If that makes any sense at all.
It really isn't important why today you are having these feelings. You just are. There is no rythm nor reason to it. All you can do is take it ODAT. Perhaps it's okay to let your kids see you cry. Maybe they need to cry with you. There will be good days and bad days. You'll get through it. I suggest you pick up Melodie Beattie's book of daily meditations: The Language of Letting Go. It was very helpful to me in my recovery.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
