The material presented
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As I earlier posted I have been working hard setting those boundaries with my AH. It has done well for me and I feel good about myself and good about where I'm at in life right now. My AH does not feel good, everytime I get on the phone with him he sings the blues about where he's at in life. I hear him say " I did this to myself", I have to live with the consequences of my actions. When I hear this I think well, good he's owning up to what he's done, but deep down I feel guilt. Its amazing how deep seated this shame, blame, and guilt goes. Why should I feel guilty? I have done nothing wrong except ask my husband to leave the home because he is no longer safe and healthy to be around me or our children. As a mom and as his friend I know I made the right choice.
He expressed that he's not telling me these things so that I'll say move back home, but I know him too well. If I said oh honey, come home now, he would and my fear is that everything would go back to crazy again. I expressed my boundaries yesterday of what I need to see in order for me to let him back in the home and I said if your not comfortable with that, its o.k., but I won't be able to live under the same roof with you. Its not an ultimatum, they are boundaries to keep me and the kids safe. He has not yet even scratched the surface of setting those things in place, so it will take time. Its hard talking to him when he's just consumed by this anger and negativity. I have to limit the time I talk to him because it puts me back in an uncomfortable place. My sponser says I can tell him I can't see him whenever I want to. I get that guilt again. My guilt has prevented me from enjoying my life at times. If someone I love is in a bad place I feel guilty that I'm doing well and in a good place.
I have over extended myself to boyfriends and my AH because I felt like well if I have abundance why not share it. I can't share so much with my AH now if I give an inch he wants 10! Any E,S,and H on guilt, how to handle it, I don't even know where to begin on why I allow myself to feel this way.
On a good note that is not mired in guilt. I have taken steps to put the condo on the market. So I'll be praying that it will sell in a relatively quick time. Plan B rolls on, just want this guilt to roll off. Thanks for listening. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there. Be good to you.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I SO appreciate hearing about your recovery journey. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are doing GREAT setting those boundaries!
When I feel feelings that trouble me, I have found 4 ways two deal with them that are extremely useful.
1. I look at what I am telling myself. I start to listen to my own inner-dialogue about the situation, and I write down what I am telling myself. Often, surprise! surprise! my own thinking is partially responsible for how I am feeling. I then challenge each and every one of the thoughts by saying what is really true in this situation. You might share your guilt thoughts with your sponsor and have your sponsor help you challenge them.
2. I look for triggers in my interactions. Is there something in particular that he says, a tone he uses, a look he gives, a direction the conversation takes or even something that you say in the conversation that activates the guilt? If so, can you put boundaries in the conversation to protect you better from the guilt? For example, simply switching topics or not letting the conversation go beyond 20 minutes or saying, "I am confident you can handle X."
3. Having a clear schedule/plan for what I am doing for the day and a concrete activity to switch to (work/feel-good activity/good book, etc.) when I start to obssess or feel unnecessarily badly have also been helpful to keep me focused and out of the pit of guilt/anger/obsession.
4. In addition to working the steps, I read the traditions for help with principles for my relationships. For example, Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first; personal progress depends up unity has been a huge help in getting me to see and stick to my boundaries. In this case, at this point, your common welfare is best served if your husband you are united in your focus on/goal of recovery. Since he's not quite there yet, he can't come home. Makes perfect sense to me.
Articulating all of this stuff to you has been a great reminder for me, too! Thanks so much for posting !
I feel like you and I are going through such similar things. I am proud of you for setting your boundries and sticking to them. Don't let him "guilt" you into letting those boundries down. I did that and trust me, it feels way worse letting myself down than worrying about letting my AH down.
My AH is doing great right now. But 2 months ago when he got out of jail after 5 days in and a month long binge, he was in a very negative angry place. He has worked very hard to keep that anger at bay but I see it creep around the corners from time to time. This week he has been distracted and I don't know if it is the cravings calling or worry about his court appearance on Monday. It probably is the the latter, which is causing stress, which is causing a craving. Who knows. I have never had an addiction so therefore cannot presume to understand it.
I think you are doing an awesome job. Keep it up. You make the decisions for you and the kids based on your knowledge and feelings. Don't let him convince you to do something you are not ready for. ODAT.
Heard at an Al-Anon meeting: "I have only one person's guilt to carry; my own. If the alcoholic blames me for his difficulties, I will not accept that blame, but I will not defend myself, either, for that would only start a fruitless battle. I know he blames me because of his painful need to unload some of his remorse on somebody else. This should generate only compassion in me - not resentment or anger."
Another member responds: "I wish I could believe that! When my husband gets through tellin gme off I feel as though the devil were sitting on my back with a fifty pound lead weight in each pocket!"
Today's Reminder There is no need for me to accept blame for another person's irrational actions. I will deal with my own shortcomings. If I do this honestly-following the Fourth to Tenth Steps-the change in me will be reflected in every person whose life touches mine.
"let me weigh my misdeeds on an honest scale and make restitution as well as I can. But let not the scale be unbalanced by the weight of what others have done."
This is a great topic -
Guilt is very difficult for me - in putting in thru the Steps I have found that some of the guilt I had was "unrealistic" guilt. Guilt I was feeling, because one of my family members were unable with a decision that I had made. In looking at my decision - had I been clear in my boundary, had I used healthy compassion for myself & the family member, have I done this without seeking revenge or with a malice heart?
As long as I can answer those questions in a healthy, recovery way - then the guilt I am feeling may be unrealistic guilt. Part of my "people pleasing" and not wanting anyone to be mad at me.
For me, I try to apply the slogans - Live and Let Live and Let Go & Let God. Also ask my HP to help remove this unrealistic guilt from my heart and mind so that I can try to live my life as I should - Happy, Joyous and Free.
Hope you are able to do what is right for YOU - Remember YOU not only deserve it, but owe it to yourself to take care of YOU.
((hugs))
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am not sure when, or why... but I have taught my family to use guilt to get what they want, and they are very good at it. What has to be the most frustrating thing in the world is for someone to think... "how can they not do X for me, since Y has happened, he/she always did before."
My AW told me at lunch today that I have changed, and she doesn't like it. She see's what I am doing as being all for me. I take that in two ways: 1) a complement since I am working hard at changing me, and 2) She is very confussed by the fact that what she considers my self centeredness is just simply my opinions which I have stuffed for years.
We are acting different, and the way I see it, they are reacting to it. I can't even expect that she would be happy to have me decide for myself what "I" want. In her mind I never took that responsability before.
IMHO you are doing great... and more than that, you are doing what is right for you. Guilt or not, that is not wrong.
Take good care of you, and have a wonderful Mothers day. You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think texas said it best they know how to push the guilt button and they try every possible way to get back into their comfort zone so they don't have to look at themselves. I know my A tried everything that had worked in the past and when it didn't work anymore he got angry, frustrated, tried new guilt buttons, and it never stops with him. Even in jail he's doing it still and in reality he's probably going to prison for a long time. I feel guilty about where he is but I realize that he did it all to himself. Just because he thinks it's true (it's my fault...it wouldn't have happened if we were together...etc.) doesn't mean it is true and even if it were doesn't make it my responsibility or my fault. I don't feel any guilt for his stupidity anymore and I think only time and distance have gotten me to that point.
I also felt quilt when my ah(sober) said those things but I remembered that it's healthy for them to know what they did. When I talked to my ahsober I told him that I could not promise him anything. I did not know if we would even be friends but I would hope we could be. I told him I was no longer "in love" with him because of all the hurt I felt. I let him know that my responsibility lies now with my children and that I could no longer be his mother. We have to do whatever it takes to protect our children. Have faith that there will be a time that you and him will be friends. Have faith that he can and will change. I'm living proof that an A can change, I saw mine change. I am falling back in love with him. NEVER in a million years did I think I could even be on speaking terms with him. Things change, don't rush them. Day by day. I also know it can be taken away at any given moment if he drinks. I'm always on gaurd to a certain point. I'm not sure if your feeling quilt, maybe it's compassion. What kind of cruel person would you be if you thought "oh good he's suffering". You hurt for him, your a good hearted person. Time heals all wounds? It's true. Good luck.
First of all: HAPPY BELATED MOTHER'S DAY. I too, felt guilty when I asked A to leave. It didn't mean that I stopped loving him. But I was adamant about not living with an active A. The only thing that really helped me get over the guilt was when I reminded myself about what the last few months were like while he was drinking. I would then look around my home and realize how peaceful it was. I knew in my heart I did what was right. I know I would do it again, should it happen.
But here we are 1 year later and he is one week away from his 1 year sobriety. So miracles do happen. Perhaps you're A isn't quite ready to seek his sobriety/recovery. My husband reminds me that the majority of the addicts want sobriety, but there is something inside them that makes them not completely ready for it.
Keep the faith. Keep working your program. You're doing just fine. You have an inner strength in you that comes through in your posts.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
