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Divorce. Unsure as I've been recently, I came right out and told my A I wanted out. I have learned how to communicate better, no attitude,accusing or being defensive and I have been much better at saying what I mean. The atmosphere had been good. Yet he didn't seem to get it. He would listen to me, be decent and said he's working on himself, would give me a warm hug and kiss. He will not go to counseling where a counselor will help us deal with whatever. He still stays at his own little place but he's over everyday and calls everyday. Yet when I would say, after 7 mos. of separation, that we need to get serious about where we go from here, he would stay away and not call. I have to be the one cuz he said he knew he'd hear the same old thing. I believe he stayed away out of fear. And when I got him to come over and talk, he'd be ever so nice. But not tell me what's on his mind. It seems he's wanted his cake and eat it, too. I'm tired of trying. So last night I just said I want a divorece. Oddly ( probably not, given how he's behaved), he acted like I was telling him something simple. "okay. Sure." was his answer. I know full well he does not want this and while I expected at least a concerned anwer, it doesn't really matter. I hoped the conversation would be better but if not, then it just would be whatever it was. We ended up it a yelling match. Heavy verbal anger reared it's ugly head and we said things I know we didn't mean. I asked him to call before he needed to come over, that I would bring him some of his stuff and he really got mad. Said that's controlling, that I'm nothing but a controller. A lot of unpleasant stuff was said. We lost our AA and Al-Anon program when we spoke (yelled) at each other. I was disappointed with myself. Today I am calming my nerves. Oh, what a night it was. Pray for me, will you? Thank you all!......jaja
So sorry for the "loss" of the porgrams last night! Sorry for life having to come to this point-divorce! That is such a difficult thing. At least you recognize where you "fell" yesterday. I will pray for you and that things calm down and anger will stay away! I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there!
Of course you have my prayers. That is such a difficult conclusion to come to. In my experience, the A will in times of crisis (real or imaginary) reflect all their own feelings back at you or the nearest target. If they feel guilt... boy they will find something to try and push that guilt onto you.
That is why, I try so hard not to get into those intense conversations. These days I try to say what I need to say, let her say whatever for awhile .... but not rebut, not defend, not explane.
But don't feel too disapointed with yourself for getting angry... I used to do what I described above about 0% of the time, and I am up to about 50% of the time. I let my emotions carry the conversation, just like she does more than I want. It takes time to unlearn how to argue all the time.
Hang in there, we are all exactly where we are supposed to be in our recovery.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hate so much that the "D" word had to come into your life. Please accept my sympathy. For me divorce is so much like a death. Death of what you had hope you would be able to have together, but as we all know sometimes "Love just isn't enough"
As for losing your program - I'm wondering if it was in the "air" - yesterday. Good thing my home group doesn't give "chips" out - if so I would have had to give everyone of mine back. Then maybe about 3 or 4 hrs later after calming down I could have asked for a "desire" chip.
Will keep you in my thoughts & prayers, especially that the next conversation, regardless of what he does, you are able to maintain your inner serenity,
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Jaja, divorce is not a dirty word. There's an article in The Dayton Daily News today that details how "people staying together for the sake of the children" often do more harm than good. Two people, more miserable than they can stand, making the kids miserable. I'll pass on to you what an old timer in al anon shared with a medium new comer. The medium new comer said she couldn't stand it and she was moving out. The old timer said "Moving out, seperating, whatever, it doesn't mean anything. It means moving out, seperation. EVen divorce. Until you sign on the dotted line it's not final. And even then--there have been people that re marry their spouses they've divorced, whatever their thinking is. All your doing is making a decision to clean out the space in your head and work your program. Now if your making the decision for any other reason, I recommend you get with your sponsor. But if you genuinely need time to think, then, having made that decision while he was drinking and again when he was sober and being the biggest ***** in god's creation, I can safely say that it saved my sanity and his life. One of us would be in prison right now. PRobably me." We'll stand behind you, no matter what jaja.
I filed for divorce three times and cancelled them all. The last one he knew I was serious and it's actually still pending until I cancel it. Don't threaten him with that unless you are 100% sure you are finished. Sometimes we say that to get "concern" from them. Men do not like to hear they are failures at anything so of course he was mad. I hope you can work through this or move forward with the actual divorce. It's hard but sometimes it's the only answer. Good luck hun. Your in my prayers.
I let my emotions carry the conversation, just like she does more than I want. It takes time to unlearn how to argue all the time.