The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A & I have been together 15 yrs but gradually, every year things get worse. Sometimes I think it just creeps up on us & we don't realize it has gotten so bad. Today my A's ex-daughter-in-law stopped by the house to tell me that when the A goes to his 14 yr old grandaughter's soccer games he's been showing up drunk with a drink in his hand and she asked me to tell him to not come anymore as it's embarrassing to her & the A's grandaughter. How do I do this? Is this my job? I hate this & feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I stopped going to the soccer games last year b/c I couldn't tolerate his behavior. What do I do? Feedback please!
Why not ask the ex DIL to talk to him with you? No it's not your job to make another person's life better or easier, but I relate with that feeling of "I should do something about it", part of sharing the shame of the disease. Does that make sense? I would not think any more than helping the DIL speak with your A is appropriate, she's the one with this particular problem.
Take what you like and leave the rest, but this is my feedback... I agree with you that "the A's ex-daughter-in-law stopping by the house to tell you that the A goes to his 14 yr old granddaughter's soccer games drunk with a drink in his hand and asking you to tell him to not come anymore as it's embarrassing to her & the A's granddaughter. How do I do this? Is this my job? I hate this & feel like I'm stuck in the middle."
1st.) No this is not your job. It is his ex-daughter in law's job. You could politely tell her how this is making you feel stuck in the middle.
Another possibility depending on the age of the granddaughter and her maturity level, is let her tell the A how it's embarrassing her for him to come to her soccer games drunk. It might be that she could get through to him when no one else could. But that is up to the mother.
2nd) Here's an exercise for you. You say you've been with your A 15 years. You must love him very much. Make a list of all the things that you love about him on one side of a piece of paper store it in a special place seperately from the second sheet of paper you will make of a list of all the things that you hate/ or dislike about the man. Preferably make these lists when you are feeling the feelings of love or hate. Keep them in seperate places and then after a a day, a week, a month...what-ever time period you chose...take them out and compare them. and then write me back and let me know what you see in comparison. What you find out about yourself and your feelings about your husband.
I agree, although you are his wife, I'm not so sure that I feel it is your responsibility to keep him from going to the soccer game. I know I didn't have the power to keep my AH from attending school, athletic functions while "under the influence" - heck - he was pretty messed up at one of the our daughters' weddings and everyone knew it. It didn't matter how much I begged, pleaded or demanded him not to be.
Maybe you can offer the DIL that you would be willing to talk to your AH WITH her, and then there is always the suggestion of letting the officials handle it. At any of the sports functions in our area, there is usually a Park Director, Board Member, Referee or Umpire that she can make a complaint that he has alcohol at a function that does not allow it. Then the person in charge can ask him to leave, or either call the proper law enforcement so that he doesn't drive under the influence. I have seen them do it in a discret manner so as not to upset the kids playing and not to make a big scene. Also, that way, the DIL doesn't have to be the "bad guy" and neither do you.
Just a few suggestions,
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
