The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now I am giving it all to HP. After obtaining a judgment against me because the A did not move out (I signed a joint tenancy so I am liable) the landlord has let the A stay in exchange for some building work. In the meantime I am trying to get a Judge to sign an order saying he has to give the truck to me (would that I could get some magic to happen so I could take my dog). I have to wait all day for the order to be signed if it is. I don't see how the Judge can not sign it but this is the second set of forms I have filled out so it is out of my hands.
In the meantime I am going to have to do two really awful super menial jobs that pay nothing for a while. I am still still waiting to hear on the one job that I interviewed for months ago a zillion times. They are doing one more background check. I would not be able to start that job till next week at the earliest. So right now I feel like I am trudging through molasses. I am still knee deep in the A's mess although I 've been moved out almost 2 months now. I miss my dogs tremendously. The A seems to win at every count. He has a place to stay (for free) in theory I am liable for the rent as long as he is there although I don't see how the landlord can say he has tried to evict him when he hasn't enforced it. The A gets to keep the truck and I pay for it. His friends are also staying with him in theory at my expense. My credit is ruined with a judgment against me even if I get it turned over I will still have that mark on my credit for 7 years.
The irony is that if the A had moved as he swore he would I would not have the chance to get my truck back. I would be left with no choice but to sign it over to him. I would also have no basis to contest the judgment against me because he would have left and I would have to pay whatever I said. How cruel irony can be. I can see so so clearly how I sat in denial for years about his irrespnsibility, over did it on making stuff work, making myself indispensable to him so he would never leave me. I really did believe if I made superhuman effort he would love me. That is an impossibility for him at this stage of his disease, he lives in such distorted thinking I doubt he loves anything even the little beagle he claims to adore.
I really do want to believe God is with me and that all this stuff, the A staying, the possibility of getting the judgement overturned is proof I am on the right path. I also know that I am so so willing these days to take it one day at a time in ways I never was before. I have to do these horrible jobs but I do on a one day at a time basis knowing I won't have to do it for ever. At the same time even after all the mess, chaos and crisis the A causes and the incredible hurt he has inflicted on me I miss him tremendously. I miss the possibilty which I was so addicted to that I know is now gone for ever because his disease took it.
My hugs and support to you at this trying time for you. You sound very aware of what you have done in the past though, and your behavior has definitely changed, you are no longer trying to make something work. That is the key, isn't it? To totally let go and whatever happens, happens. Total, complete trust in your HP and faith that this life was never a mistake, that you will have ups and downs but you really will be okay. It is such a freeing feeling when you let go. Not to say that we struggle with it desperately, and really DON'T want to let go many many times. But when you do, it is a stress reliever.
You are right, you won't have to work those kind of jobs forever, and life WILL get better. You will get your dogs back, and someday you will look back on this and not laugh, but be glad you went through it because you will be even stronger. Last year I thought my world was ending, and now I can look back and thank HP for the strength that pain caused me to have today. I truly became a different person, strong and self-assured. I have all of you here and being humble and HP to thank for that. This program and many books have the tools we can use to live better lives, full and happy lives. I love the hope we have here for each other.
eeewww some things just make me so mad. I really hope you can get off of that lease, you have a right to!!! Hang in there, you are strong and amart and we all love you! Sincerely, Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I have walked in your shoes. I found myself without a job, without a place to live, and a child to take care of while my A was not having to suffer any consequences. I turned myself inside-out to make things work. I will NEVER do that again. It feels like it will never end, but it does. One of the things I started doing was using a journal and writing down the things I wanted in my life. I believed I would have them. I started relaxing and writing affirmations. It had been a while before I wrote in my journal because life started changing quickly for me. I was looking at my list last week and I have received the 1st five things on the list. Instead of looking at what is wrong, I made myself look at what I was grateful for. Things keep changing for the better. I don't know how this works, but it does. There is hope. I remember reading a line from a book, "You don't have to leave your room or do a thing. The world will offer itself at your feet". It was almost like HP came along and said for me to stop beating myself to the ground and let Him do the work. I will keep you in my prayers.
