The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The disease of alcoholism has nothing to do with YOU or his love for you. Addiction comes from many sources like: genetics, peer pressure, a predeliction for being an addict, etc. Have you looked for an Al-Anon meeting in your area? They will help you understand, cope, and be able to help the addict in your life.
Hate so much that you are really, really hurting right now. And I could give you all the Slogans, This Too Shall Pass, One Day at a Time & No Matter What me & My HP are going to be ok, even better than OK. And those probably could help a little, but the hurts we feel are so painful those slogan don't seem to give the comfort we need right away.
So, I'll send you tons of prayers, please know that although you may be in a different place geographically, you are close in my thoughts & prayers. I'm praying that your HP sends you comfort in this area, the reassurance that your A's stuff is not about you, that even if we knew "why" it really wouldn't ease the pain and most of all the true knowledge that
Yes, Ally you are worthy - very worthy of more and that your HP has wonderful plans for you to show you that "more" some day, some time.
Wishing you healing & peace, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
WHY....Was I born into a family with Alcoholism in it....because you will learn from it and teach.
WHY....Have I been affected so badly by this....because you have a good heart and feel more.
WHY.... Has this put my Life on hold....Why has it held me back....because you let it.
WHY...Does nothing go as planned for me....because life can only change when you are helping it along.
WHY...Have I looked for a reason for this ALL my life....?
WHY...Can I just not be happy for a wee while....You have to find happiness and make it happen.
WHY...Do I grab onto the slightest bit of happiness in my life...because it feels so great and feels like it comes less often.
WHY...Do I feel unworthy to some people.....because you are not happy with your own choices.
WHY...Do I feel unworthy to myself....because you are not making steps to better yourself no matter what the risk.
WHY...Is Alcoholism such a soul destroying illness for "Everyone"....because the devil has to have something to do to take us down.
WHY...After all these years has ANOTHER Alcoholic been put in my life...because alcoholism sneaks up on us.
WHY...Do I feel so much for this Alcoholic......again because you have a good heart and you see past the disease
WHY...Can he not see how much Love I have for him....because he is bound by the alcoholism and will see clearly once he's sober
WHY...Can he not see, I have never let him down..(ever)...He will one day (lets hope)
WHY...Does he need to be so unloving and selfish towards me....they don't know any other way when they are backed into a corner. The one's we love the most are the one's we hurt the most.
WHY...Do I love him so much....because you see past the disease
Why...Do I depend on him for MY happiness...because you are not happy with yourself.
WHY...Will he not talk to me about this...because he doesn't understand it himself
WHY...Does he push me away, time after time...because your aware of the games.
WHY...Do we constantly put ourselves through this....because we have hope they will change.
WHY...Does it cause so much pain....because we love deep
WHY...Can we not see this is unhealthy for us....because we live on faith that it will change.
WHY.. Do I love TOO much...because that's what you want in return.
WHY...Can't I let go and Let god..that's a hard step.
WHY...Do I keep torturing myself....you'll eventually get tired of it and let go.
WHY...Cant I see I am Worth More than this...You will but it takes time, your time, Gods time.
I answered the best I could with what I know now. I also hate that your in this situation. We have all been there and we have all had these questions. It's easier for me now that I am out of the situation. I remember it was really confusing when I was in it. I held out for 8 years and my ah is finally sober, it can be done but nothing we do will make them stop. It took me bettering myself and getting away from him for him to change. Once I let go, God took him over. Your in my prayers.
I recall your post when you came back from France and how happy you seemed. You sounded strong, serene and had resolved some issues. Maybe it would help to go back and read it again and get centered? You may be able to find that place inside yourself again. It's still there, nothing has changed, you may just have to dig a little :)
take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I definitely undestand loving someone who is incredibly self destructive. I also understand very well the issue of putting them first. I put the A first for the past 6 years. My life changed dramatically when I stopped putting his needs before mind. Then I stopped being so enmeshed. Enmeshment when I couldn't work out where I ended and he began. I know now of course. I feel incredibly separate from him. I feel incredibly hurt, betrayed, angry and grief stricken too of course. I did the "why" for a long long time. I don't know "why" I had the family of origin I did. I know for me personally it was not about karma or stuff I did in the past. There was no "past" my parents began abusing me as a small child.
When I look at the relationship with the A now I can see clearly it was a lie from the beginning. I have wanted to hold onto that at some point it was "good". I don't think it was since it was based on his "lie" that he didn't have a problem. Pretty soon he began dumping all his problems on me.
I felt like a tremendous victim when I came here. There were lots of days when I felt absolutely overwhelmed and alone. In time I began to see there was a lot more to it. I started working out my side of the street and stopped enabling him. Then the tide turned.
In some ways I do still love the A. But then on another level I also love me tremendously. I love me enough these days to say no more.
One day this will be all behind you, somehow, you will either be with him or not, but these feelings will be behind.
You will one day find the answers, hmm, maybe when you looking for the answer to something else.
This is by Jim Brickman, I think
May the angels protect you Trouble neglect you And heaven accept you when its time to go home May you always have plenty The glass never empty Know in your belly You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing You find friends worth having As every year passes They mean more than gold May you win and stay humble Smile more than grumble And know when you stumble You're never alone
Chorus: Never alone Never alone Ičll be in every beat of your heart When you face the unknown Wherever you fly This isn't goodbye My love will follow you stay with you Baby youčre never alone
Well I have to be honest As much as I wanted Im not gonna promise that cold winds wončt blow So when hard times have found you And your fears surround you Wrap my love around you You're never alone
Chorus
May the angels protect you Trouble neglect you And heaven accept you when its time to go home So when hard times have found you And your fears surround you Wrap my love around you Youčre never alone
Chorus
My love will follow you stay with you Baby you're never alone
My understanding of the program has also put forth the questions of "WHY", but also afforded me the answers. For ME, the answers were in doing the work. Working. Program. It works if you work it. It is my program for me. I own it. I get better when I stop asking why and start backing my program words up with program action. I have the courage to change. (in the same note, I also have the ability to regress). It truly begins with me.
Why, Higher Power, is this my path? ---I can wait a lifetime for that answer
This, Higher Power, is my path, thank you, and all the joys and sorrows that go with it. My hardship has brought me this family, this love. I am grateful.
Love ya cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Well, Ally, there was a time when I had the same questions and my answer to your questions would've been " wish I knew". But over time I've been finding the answers ( and how to find the answers) from a variety sources. I found that Al-Anon really was a source of help and, in between meetings, I found lots of literature that went into what I call a mental, physical and emotional - boggling disease. One really good source was Melody Beattie's ' Co-dependent No More " which took a lot of focus and re-reading of paragraphs as I read but hit the nail on the head for almost all your questions. The other was Toby Rice Drew's series called " Getting them sober" (she has a website of the same name. Go there!!). They were tremendous help to me. And coming to this site where you can get feed-back and understanding is certainly of great help. Hope this helps ( it will)......jaja
I can remember asking these questions, driving myself crazy trying to figure out the answers. In the end there was no answers and round and round I went and up and down the roller coaster of alcoholic hell I rode for many years. Trying to detach from someone you love dearly is the most difficult thing, and letting go. Ally you are not alone in any of this, you have your alanon family, and on these difficult days reach out, call an alanon friend, post here, read alanon literature, use the slogans, and mainly keep going to your meetings. Keep so busy with doing things to occupy your mind so these unanswerable questions cannot keep you asking "Why". There is hope
/10.gif){kind=small}
