The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Usually I am full of fun and jokes, actually still am, but inside I am feeling a boiling point of bitterness to all the A's in my life. All the A's in the world. Seriously have to get hold of myself. I feel if an A were to come to me for a sip of water, if I were to smell alcohol on them I would slam the door, even if I knew it would save their miserable life. Why am I feeling like this? I don't know. I'ts not a good feeling, this bitterness, but it is so deep inside me, and just creeps up. Grrrrrr
In my experience, those deep down feelings that just creep up (and usually scare me to death!) signal that I am growing and healing.
May sound weird to associate those feelings with healing ... still does seem weird to me, but I've come to accept (over the years) that the feelings come up, I sit with them if I'm able -- just to acknowledge them, just to say I wish you'd go away and never come back because you're scaring me to death--but I'm willing to sit here with you for a few minutes.
Sometimes, that's all I do.
Other times, I am in good enough shape to journal about them or to talk them over with my therapist.
What I have experienced is that whether I sit with the feelings, work with them, or push them away, they will continue to heal because I am working my Al-Anon program: working the 12 Steps daily and attending meetings and having a sponsor (that's my program ... each person has her/his own program).
Good for you for posting to share what you were feeling. Hope it helped. :)
If you ever work out what a feeling means....PLEASE let me know.......lol
I think we get to a stage in our lives, where we have had "Enough", we resent people, especially, the alcoholics.....These people have destroyed part of our lives, and to some extent we "LET" them do it....Maybe you are angry at yourself, at them, or just at everyone....And thats okay.. You just need to learn how to get by all that..Let it go.
I find that usually when I'm feeling bitter it's because things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I am resentful of the A for not doing what I (and most of society) thought he should and because I am disapponited - he didn't meet MY expectations of him. I guess you can't fault a dog for being a dog it is what it is. (Might be a little bitterness seeping out in the dog statement LOL).
My point is that I think if you look at it as you are disappointed that they have chosen what they did rather than angry that they didn't do what you wanted them to that makes it easier. In this way it seems kind of ridiculous to be mad at someone because they didn't do what you wanted them to do. I think it's more just bitterness at your lot in life at that point. I have also noticed that the bitterness has faded over time, I WAS bitter and angry all the time in the beginning, now it just pops up here and there. Usually when I'm having an ESPECIALLY bad day.
I have 3 kids am poor and a single mom with no outside help. Sure I'm frustrated with that on a DAILY basis, but I don't blame a drunk for being a drunk. I push myself to get out there and make it better. I see my life for what it is, think about how I can make it better and then try to do it the best I can while relying on as few others as humanly possible. In the past I would have roped in a new one and he would have ended up an A... I refuse to do that to myself or my kids again.
Trust me, I have spent my share of months in bitterness and then I finally realized that it wasn't getting me or my kids anywhere, it was actually holding us stuck in that place. Now I'm moving forward. It's hard to let go, sometimes it pops up and I think that's silly... and move on.
He might have been a disappointment to me but I don't have to be one to myself or my children.
