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My soon-to-be 21-year-old son is currently serving 40-day sentence in jail for a second DUI. He'll be out in 10 days. My husband is a recovering alcoholic for 15 years now (yay!), so I've been through this before. I have no idea if my son is an alcholic or just having too much fun and thought he could get away with it. Well, he didn't. He has lost his driver's license (for 2 years). He moved back home in Feb. and has been a model son -- working full-time, no drinking, not hanging out with old friends, home every night by 9 -- really (even on weekends)! His girlfriend has had a great influence on him. My question: His job starts at 6 a.m. and I'd been giving him rides to since it was dark and cold out. It's only 3 miles away and I'm usually up at 5:30, anyway. Counselor told me I'm shielding him from feeling the full effects of what he did by giving him rides. (He usually gets home on his own with co-worker or riding bike.) I feel that family help one another when times get tough. Especially given his behavior these past few months, what is the harm in giving him a ride to where he needs to go? Anyway, he'll be out of jail next week and I'm trying to prepare myself to set boundaries if need be -- but I don't feel this is something I need to stop doing. Husband does, but is letting it be my choice. I do feel son is feeling and suffering the consequences of his DUI. No license, no freedom to come and go as he pleases because of transportation issues, huge fine, 18 months of DUI classes (California law), etc. So he is definitely having consequences. Do I refuse to give him rides to work to make him feel the consequences even more? Again, it's no hardship on me as far as time or distance.
So glad to have found this board. I'm sure I'll be back needing more support. Thanks for "listening."
Congrats to your H for his sobriety & to your son for his new sobriety.
As far as the difference between letting them suffer consequences and lending a hand - these are always very thin lines for me, personally. I try to see if I am causing inconvenience to others, putting myself on a tighter strain (emotionally, financially, or physically) and am I will to commit to this on a long term basis or short term?
These are just some of the questions you could possible ask to see if you wanted to continue giving him a little help. And then I try to let the other person know that if circumstances change, boundaries aren't respected, financial obligations change, etc. that the arrangement may have to change. Staying in what works for today, but it might not work tomorrow - reserving the right to change my mind.
Wishing you & your family the best, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome to MIP.... The answers to what is enabling, versus what is being a caring individual, are often quite grey. In my opinion, as long as he is working a program & staying sober, it would seem fine to help him out a bit by driving him to work. Now, if he has a second DUI, and is also carrying on, getting drunk every night, and then "expecting" you to drive him everywhere, everyday, then that is another thing altogether.
Hope that helps Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi and welcome to MIP. I agree with canadianguy 100%. Our lot as parents is to help our children..when they are behaving in an acceptable manner. He seems to be. Help him out Mom.
Best wishes to you both,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Seems to me that if you are going to be driving then anyway, NOT giving him a ride would be kinda wierd. I guess it comes down to how much you are putting yourself out. What you do not want to do is get to the point that you are resentful, feeling that you are doing too much.
If he is not pushing it, not expecting you to bend over backwards to help him avoid the consequences of his behaviour, then it ahould be all right to help him out a bit. However, if you are leaving the house an hour early, just to get him to work, then maybe he can walk, in the summer at least.
Since you're up anyway that early, you didn't mention that giving him rides is causing you stress, and he's doing what he should be doing, then keep supporting him so he can work. I have a son just like yours...but he won't listen.
