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My husband is in recovery and he is about a month and a half sober. I am so happy that his is doing well in his program and extremely proud of him. However, something that drives me really really nuts is when he gets into his "holier than thou" mode. I smoke cigarettes. It is something I really want to quit, but I made a pact with myself to quit after finals. We were driving somewhere this weekend and I asked him to stop so I could buy a pack and he started lecturing me about quitting. I told him "I know you are not talking" and then I said "maybe I can go to detox for cigarettes and disrupt everyone's lives while I quit."
After I said that I immediately felt like "why did you say that." Sometimes I can't help myself and the sarcasm just runs right out of my mouth. I don't know what is wrong with me. My husband says I have "issues." I know I do, but I thought I was doing better. I am a very sarcastic person by nature, and I definitely don't believe in "suffering in silence," but it really bothers me. I know sometimes my sarcasm cuts like a knife - even if I only mean it in a teasing way.
It's interesting when someone we love goes into recovery. A few things happen: 1) we realize how much our lives were disrupted by their addiction, because all of the sudden we have them back; 2) we realize how much of them was missing, because they actually have a personality back; 3) we realize how much WE canged to attend to THEM, because we become INCREDIBLY reactive and sensitve; 4) things that didn't occur to us that existed (Did Katie Couric really have THAT LITTLE FASHION SENSE?!?!) all of the sudden become the crisis du jour. You may need a therapist. What you need, first off, is to get to a meeting--the real kind, where there are real people, in a room, talking about them selves. You need to ask one of them to be your sponor. And you need to ask that person to take you through the 12 steps. The fact is so long as you Re/Act to your recovering individual, you are not Re/Covering yourself. You are still Re/Acting. So long as you stay where you are at--and simply posting on the message board doesn't cut it--nothing will change. Go to a meeting. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Use the literature. And take the focus off him.
Rather, it sounds like perhaps you have some anger at your husband's disease that is coming out sideways--i.e. as sarcasm.
It's not uncommon for us Alanon's to have all of this pent up anger and rage at the disease--after all, we are stone-cold sober while they are drinking.
I am currently working on my own anger issues--and perhaps most frustrating is that alot of times, I don't even know what it is that I am angry about exactly. I do know, though, that alot of my anger is at myself for putting up with the disease for so long. I am hoping that by getting specific about what my anger is at, I will have a better chance of letting it go as it will nolonger just be crazy, free-floating anger.
I am planning on working with my sponsor and on my 4th Step to work through my anger--perhaps something you might try, too?
Don't be hard on yourself sash. Whether we admit it or not, we all have feelings of resentment; some more than others. We strive to overcome it, but it certainly rears its ugly head in my head once in a while. Perfectly normal, I say. Do you need a therapist? That I don't know. If it seems right to you, give therapy a try. But do not obsess over it. What you are experiencing is understandable and quite reasonable as well.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My first reaction to your post was "Go Girl", I laughed......But unfortunately we are all affected by someone elses drinking, and the temprement is usually electric.......Just take it a day at a time, a min at a time even.......It's hard living with an active alcoholic, but a sober one can be worse....
If you are struggling with this, the best wisdom I would give you is...
"Do NOT give up smoking in the middle of all this"
I am an ex smoker, and YES they do keep you calm....
I am a very sarcastic person myself. My children have picked up that unfortunate characteristic as well! My husband is nearly 9 months sober. I find myself more aggravated and irritated with him now than early on. I know it is just resentment rearing its ugly head. My al-non home group consists of 2 people and they don't really do the sponsorship thing. I found a person in AA who also is in Al-Anon. She doesn't come to the Al-anon meetings often, but she has been in both programs for 8-9 years. She has offered to be my sponsor and I am looking forward to working with her!! I know I definitely have "issues" I don't think there is a person on this earth who doesn't have some issue!!
When we are sarcastic it is a reflex action, we usually regret it later, we don't want to be that person. I so often wish for a "do over" button!! Good luck in deciding what to do--I hope you can find someone to talk to, be it a therapist, or sponsor, or just the group.
Thanks you guys. Yesterday he told me that I am not a nice person. He says I am mean and nasty to everyone in my life. He is over-exaggeraging. He is most likely talking about my relationship with my family (mother, brothers). This is true to an extent, but I am mostly on defense with them and like I said before, I am not one to "suffer in silence." My mother is an extemely hard person to get along with and is really mean and nasty. When we are together, she just knows how to push my buttons till I totally lose it. I just can't help it. My husband feels that my mother is my mother and that I should take all her crap without defending myself whatsoever. I simply do not agree. I believe that respect is due when respect is given and that is definitely not the case with my family.
I told him last night that he hurt my feelings and that I am very good to him and my children. He told me that I should seek therapy for my issues. He is now giving me the old silent treatment right now. What a baby.
Sash, I can see hubby's point of view about your mother, and I tend to agree with him. She deserves respect, if for no other reason than she is your mother. Try to back away before you lose it. She is probably one of those people who derives pleasure by making you angry. Don't give her the satisfaction. I don't mean to imply that she is a bad person. The situation is what it is, and you would be much better off, and happier too, if you didn't engage her in argument. JMHO.
Very best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
His 'holier than thou' is a phase of early recovery. No big deal, it will pass if he continues to work the program. He feels decent or even good for the first time in years, he's probably working hard on his issues and feels more confidence. This is all good, but to the immature mindset of the early recovering A, they still don't focus on themselves, it takes a kind of long time for them to get that. Plus, I believe there is guilt and shame on his part, and it must be delicious to him to be able to confront you about YOUR addictions. Yes, you are addicted, yes you need to quit and you know it and will . . . but it's NONE of his business, just like his recovery stuff is none of yours.
I too hear things coming out of my mouth that would peel paint off the house. I have to work diligently to not bring out the bazooka when a simple "I'm handling it, thanks for being worried about me. Now, about taking me to the store . . . " would do :D.
I had to admit to myself it felt WONDERFUL to let him have it, to let that anger out in mean words, but it only feels good while my lips are flapping, and after, I'm hot happy with me.
It's helped me to 'understand' where my A is coming from, though I understand in a limited way.
Prior to recovery sarcasm was my best friend - Being Sarcastic kept the walls up, kept the defenses on guard and I thought it kept me from being hurt. None of this was true. I was still being hurt, just using sarcasm to cause more damage to myself and to others around me.
In reading the Al-Anon ODAT book pg 114 & 255 both of these pages gave the explanation that the word sarcasm comes from a Greek word meaning to "tear flesh".
Everytime I use sarcasm to shield off the pain of the situation, not only am I tearing at the flesh of the person talking to me, but I am also tearing my own flesh. Damaging away at my own self-esteem. Thru working on ourselves, we can be better than sarcasm and hateful remarks regardless of the emotional, physical & spiritual state of our loved ones. It doesn't happen over night - it takes time, but it is well worth it.
Those sarcastic remarks still come to mind, and very close to my mouth sometimes. I have to walk away to not say them. But when I am able to not let those things come out, to call my sponsor, journal, or post here - vent my emotions in a healthy productive way - the healing is so great.
I agree that the smoking is something that you can set boundaries with him about. Maybe you can say "Thank you for your concern, I am considering doing something about it, but until I am ready I would prefer not discussing it" Maybe he will honor it, hopefully as he works on his own recovery, he will recognize a boundary & respect it.
Keep working on you - You are worth it!!
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Seems to me that this a place to practice your Step 10 " Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." If something slips out, you can say "Sorry, that was out of line". If he's in a program too, he will know exactly what you are doing, and will appreciate it.
Do we have the same mothers??? I talk to my mother for some odd reason..........KNOWING That not one positive or good thing will come out of her mouth and she pisses me off. I even through her 67 yr old butt out of my car after her snotty comments to me. Here's what I did.....I broke myself off with her and made boundaries and let her know them. SHe doesn't follow them but she doesn't ask questions when I say I have to go and I suddenly hang up. I feel alot of your issues stem from your mother and the way she treated you and whenever anyone (your husband) treats you like she does then you flip out. So here's what I suggest. You have to STOP! If it's getting counseling then go. First I think you need to ask your ah to sit down and let you unload all of your built up feelings and him not say a word about it. Let him know how hurt you were by his choices and how angry it's made you feel and instead of steps forward you feel his ways pushed you back further and YES alcoholics can make us sick if not SICKER then they are. I can still say hateful things. It's been a year and I am finally trying to stop my old ways. It's VERY hard but it can be done. He is not the one that should preach about your smoking..........but just for spite I would put them down and never pick them back up again so you can say "see..........things are not that hard to quit" and let him see that you can be strong. Let him be prepared that you will detox as well and if he doesn't like your attitude now that he may want to stay some place for a few days....hehehe Good luck chickie. You can do it. It takes time. But you need to get out your feelings about him TO him and not to a counselor or a room full of people. He doesn't need to respond, just sit and listen. You'll feel better. Good luck.
