The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You all know I opened a face to face group last week..I had six members...tonight I had five.. As the group is only new, I am the ONLY member...lol I asked someone would they like to chair tonight, she agreed, and I sat back thinking,"Ally Girl" see what you have achieved in your recovery"....I felt very proud of myself...I know there is no bosses in Al-anon, but I'm allowed to be happy I started this group, right???
Anyway, there was a female there tonight, very emotionally distressed...And the things I was saying to her, the wisdom, and I noticed the other members were agreeing with me....I thougth again to myself...You got this right girl..This is where you are supossed to be, and what you are supossed to be doing...Hmm is this my HP'd doing?????
Now I got a dilema,,,,,you all know my situation with my male friend ...Well!!! NOW I have a feeling within me, I think its called compassion. For him, his illness, and although he is sober, I know he is still suffering, day to day, to remain sober...
He once said to me, I had put him under pressure, by sending texts to him, and I was like Oh my god, this guy is nuts..people communicate, thats all, no pressure. But maybe it was to him...Maybe he felt I had expectations of him, that he could not meet. I am seeing all this and thinking, OMG Ally. you are an emotional nightmare..What have you done to this poor guy...
So the same situation with someone who is NOT an alcoholic might have been normal. But for him, it was too much....The fact he told me he cannot commit to a relationship, He cant express feelings the way I can, that has tought me a lesson..
This whole thing has been MY WILL, not gods, he tried to tell me all about that side and I didnt want to hear. I know, I thought I was being, caring, loving, gentle towards him, but he wasnt ready for that. And It was all about Me.Me.Me.
I have heard from so many in al-anon and AA, about how this guy wanted to have his cake and eat it. He does not deserve me. He is all self minded. He wont commit to me, because I'm LETTING him get HIS way, because I want him so much.....WOW, this is heavy for me...
I am kind of confused about what I thought LOVE was, since I joined the fellowship...
My interpretation of love is:: towards him ::: a feeling so strong within myself, like a thousand butterflies all moving at the same time, to share things with him, good and bad. To hold him and comfort him if he's in pain. To do things together that are FUN, accept him for who he is and NOT what he is. just be normal with eachother also, to live my life and let him live his.To work on eachothers individual programme. And grow together.
I also know I do NOT want to live in his pocket, be obsessed with his every move, throw in his face me, me , me..Blame him for my defects. admit to him I have been wrong, when I am..I am enjoying the freedom of meeting my own friends who identify with me ..As in the way his AA friends can identify with him. I am becoming an individual again, and It feels right...Is it wrong to want to have both in my life.
In the past I have had the obsession, he was placed on pedesal, never to be removed. But I have also saw a new side to him, a loving, caring, affectionate, all the things I never thought he was capable of. As well as his defects, and he has many just like me.
WHY all of a sudden am I feeling like this. I have left him in peace for the last week.. (ok, thats great for me)..lol I think I have focussed all on Why he hurt me, How he hurt me. I am not facing responsibility for the Why, and How I have hurt him...
Can anyone tell me whats going on with me, because I sure as hell dont know.
Also I want to tell him all this...What would you do???..
(((((Ally))))) I am sorry you are going through this. I think it is great that you have all of this awareness. The one thing that has helped me in the short time I have been in recovery is to allow myself this time to process everything. To act when I need to, but to try (really hard at times) not to react. It is not your responsibility for him to "get it". I always feel better when I calmly act, rather than jump and impulsively do something when it comes to my hurt feelings.
Oh yeah, breathing helps me too Deep breathing and repeating the slogans over and over in my head. Let go and let God...easy does it...
You know, we have a song here in the US that totally describes this situation..."Love Stinks!" Ok, not the most compassionate song in the world, but sometimes thats how love can make you feel. From what I have come to understand about it, you cannot force love....it is something that will happen all on its own. It doesn't need your approval to innitiate or terminate itself. Pushing the issue too much can in many cases make things worse, and drive people away. So, taking care of yourself is the best thing one can do, as we grow in recovery, we attract healthier people around us (most of the time anyway). If someone does not share your feelings, that is ok too....for you only have control over yourself. Your joy and spirit brightens all who know you, and I have no doubts that your Higher Power has wonderful things in store for your heart!
Wow, what a post! I know you feel confused but it was actually quite beautiful, because just by reading I can feel how much you're learning and growing as a result of that I think you need to take it easy. You are in recovery yourself, and you have been putting yourself first, as you should. Therefore, you were concentrating on yourself, how you felt and how that special guy in your life was affecting you. So it's normal that you only saw your side of things. And him being in recovery, well, it's hard to know what he is feeling and thinking. As you go about your recovery, you have been learning a lot of new things, and I think they are really coming out in your f2f, as you said. You are witnessing directly the emotions that other people are going through, and that has probably helped you think about the "other side of things" and consequently you are thinking about your guy's side of things, and seeing him in a different light, and also how you are affecting him. You know he needs time and space. I think the only thing you can do is show him that you will be there, but don't expect him and don't be upset if he does not want your support. Maybe he just wants to deal with it his own way. In terms of anything developing, it is probably not the right time for either of you because you are both concentrating on your recoveries, as nice as it would be to be able to share that experience together. As for telling him, make sure you simply let him know that you understand him and his needs and that you are there for him. Try not to be too emotional about it (if possible!), that might make him feel suffocated as well. I'm not sure I can explain it very well but I think he might feel like he is dealing with his emotions and yours too, every time you have a revelation and want to tell him all about it, if you know what I mean?! If you feel all over the place sometimes, it is likely he will touch up on that and I think that right now, he probably has enough on his plate, as do you. That is probably being a bit distant towards you (as well as the fact that he probably needs that distance to focus on himself). So, take it easy and be patient. Keep focusing on yourself and savour all the new things you are learning. take care, love you to bits! I'm not sure it's wisdom but I hope it helps you if a little bit. Lena xxx
I don't know ally. I have so much I want to tell my ex ah. So much I did tell him. My motive for telling him these things was so askew. My expectations (that I didn't even recognize) were sky high. Needless to say, if you have seen any of my other posts recently, it did not go well. But, it was what I felt I needed to do at that moment. And I did a great job of not calling him for a long time. As much as I wanted what I wanted, I held off. I did it Just for today. So, I don't know. Do what you feel is best for you. It is all about you. I am a co-dependent wreck at the moment and I have put myself here. I am working on getting myself out of this. I really want to fill the hole inside my heart with him. Or even someone new, I need the distraction, the attention. Last night at my meeting someone told me to fill that hole with God. Turn to my HP to make me whole. I don't know if this helped or not but I think you are a very corageous person and self awareness is a very attractive quality to have. Take care...
Careful ally your talking yourself right into some more pain . this post is alot of he- he- he stuff not alot about yourself , your still trying to figure out how he might have felt , give it up only he knows how he feels . Get out your odat and on july 14 th read the last little paragraph. it may help. He has made it perfectly clear what he wants from you and what he is prepared to give. If you can accept what is offered and have no expectations that it will change the relationship thats great , its no ones business but yours . Expectations are killers ally try accpeting what is instead of expecting it will change. you may find the peace your looking for. Sometimes Gods answer to our prayer is NO .
Just to give you another side of me, your wacky friend. :)
As verbal as I often am, I have periods where it's really hard for me to communicate in words ... no matter how close I am to someone. My family and friends know that about me.
My immediate family and my friends accept that my silence (which sometimes extends to not being able to talk on the phone in addition to not being in touch by writing letters or emails) has nothing to do with them or anything they've said or done, recently or long ago.
Members of my extended family sometimes get offended when I "go silent" even though I've explained to them that periodically (and unpredictably) I have to be silent because I am not able to communicate without using up the energy and concentration that I need to conserve for the essentials of life such as phone calls to my doctors, buying groceries, paying bills, and so on.
Before I retired, my co-workers had varied reactions; I greatly appreciated the co-workers who accepted me at my word and didn't further stress me when I was least able to communicate.
Sometimes things are even simpler than we think. I'm sharing this just to say that *maybe* (not at all certain) your male friend resembles me a tiny fraction of a percent. Maybe ... just guessing it might be possible, you know? :)
On the other hand, I do know that some people with whom I've had close relationships (1 person in immediate family and 2 friends) regularly let me know that they could have been in touch with me as usual but just didn't get around to it. Used to drive me absolutely nuts that they would drop in and out of my life.
What I finally decided to try ... and it has worked well for me (not what I'd prefer but what I can live with): I let those 3 people set the pace for our communication ... I wait for them to call me. I wait for them to email me. It's really hard sometimes to stop myself from sending them a link I know they'd enjoy, etc. But that sets me up to go insane again when they later say "Oh yeah, I really appreciated that link (or whatever) you sent me 6 months ago." If the people didn't benefit me in my life and enrich it, I would just let them go. But since they do benefit me, I tried different ways of co-existing :) with them and what I've described is the only thing that has worked to keep me sane and serene. :)
Sorry I don't have a magic wand or any other means to change the people who drop in and out, in and out, of my own life; still wish I did because it would be easier on me. :) But I'm a big girl, so with lots of support and assistance, i've been able to change myself instead of trying to change them. (Surely did not work for anybody, including me, when I pleaded with them or got angry with them or overloaded them with contact.)
Good for you for seeking support here ... ask for even more help than you think you need is my best suggestion. :)
Lots of love and smiles from your wacky friend, Sunny
(((Ally))) You were born with your one true love...YOU! I'm afraid this is going to sound harsh & I don't mean it that way but you have come so far in your recovery & it sounds like you want to go backward b/c of your obsession with this person who isn't worth your devotion. You write & express yourself so well that I can feel your pain but you KNOW you should stay away from this person & concentrate on your recovery. You are so much more important to you & your mental health. I've been where you are & know how you are hurting but believe me time does lessen the pain. Your deserve so much more than this person can offer. You deserve a man who appreciates your talents, liveliness, warmth & all the love you have to give. You deserve a man who is whole & not addicted to anything. If you want to save someone, adopt a dog with 4 legs! Please love this person from afar & wait for the man who deserves you. All this is written with love & hope for your continued recovery. Please think long & hard about what you are doing. Hope
Ally: I have definitely been there with the A with it all being on his terms. If I want something it is harassment, if it is his issue, its a need and an urgency. I know I put up with that for 7 years. I also know what it feels to be pulled and pushed For me that is one sure sign of a love avoidant. I know for me at some point the A will come back around. When he's exhausted the new friends, when he has a moment when he realises he will come back but I am not there anymore. I was always there before. Now with the help of al anon I am able to say this is not enough.
I done what my gut told me...(I hate when it does that)
I sent a text.....it said......I am changing, I am seing things more clearly. I am trying to make amemds....I now see I was an emotional nightmare for you......Im sorry...
As per usual I did not get a reply....did i really need one NOPE
Deep breathing and repeating the slogans over and over in my head. Let go and let God...easy does it...
