The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, here I am completly focused on him, but I have to write this down. I'd like to make it a chapter in the Big Book! The pattern is so obvious. We have been going thru this for years. He gets bored, scared, stressed, unhappy and he turns to drugs. When those feelings hit him and he's sober he turns to another woman. He has a woman he is "in love" with. This killed me. I have learned to detatch pretty well as far as the drugs go, but the women just wreck me. Anyway, he was "in love" with his first affair. Now this time is not technically an affair as we are almost(?) divorced. But still same scenerio. After the first affair, he started using again,eventually got sober and realized and told me that he was sober, he slacked in his program but he knew he didn't want to go back to drugs so he tried to escape by having an affair. Ofcourse the guilt and being found out sent him right back to the drugs. He is acting manic (unmedicated bipolar disorder) he is lying within the same conversation. He is insane acting. There's a huge part of me that wants to believe him when he says it's all me. He doesn't have bipolar, it was me driving him crazy. So, without me his life is all better. He is in love, he is re-establishing ties with his family (who all use), he is better off without me. All he wants from me is to see the kids. Now THAT is different. This is the first time he has ever been this insistent on seeing the kids. Not for them, but for him, He misses them. He has never,ever mentioned what he has done to them. The last thing I thought before I decided to stop looking at his crap was we were doing the family thing, he was here with us. All he had to do was work his program and stay sober and tada he's with the kids all the time. All he had to do was focus on them, being their dad, keep his pants on and his heart with them and he has them, no question about it. But insted, he decided in all of his sobriety that he was ready for a new relationship because God forbid he is alone, working on himself and the relationship he destroyed with his kids. Seems to me that would be my priority. How can a new woman be more important that your own kids. especially when you have abandoned them many times in their young lives for other women and drugs. How dare he even attempt to have a relationship. Not to mention he was "in love" with me. But I guess, I was taking way too long for his sex addicted brain. Yeah, he's a diagnosed sex addict. That's it guys, I'm done with what is going on with him. I promise (I have my fingers crossed, just incase).
I heard awsome stuff at my meeting tonight. Echos of what you tell me here. This will get better and it is so worth the hell to get to the good stuff. I am finding myself, I am feeling,I am going to be ok. And yes this sucks, bad but they have been here and come out on the other side. I have been here before and I am not as bad as I have been. I am better. I got lots of love, I know I am loved here, unconditionally. This program is the reason I keep going. I do hope to someday be in a place where I will be able to contribute. Thank you all.
There is a certain peace in acceptance... and what that is supposed to do is allow us to get on with our life (I am pretty sure... Ha)
You are right, you will come out on the other side. We all will, it just takes time.
As far as you being in a place where you can contribute? Do you think you are not contributing now? There are many things about my own life that are at times are too hard for me to face.
Someone posts, basically the same circumstance, and I read it. I can look at it objectively and offer some sort of comfort even if it's only a hug... but what I really do, is answer myself with that new perspective. Your posts help me. All the posts do.
I hope you are taking care of you and those kiddo's today.... do something fun, something for you!
Take care of you! You deserve it!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What my friend rtexas said about Acceptance is so true.
When my marriage ended my ex had been in AA and sober for over about 9 months. When she moved out it is was going to be a "trial seperation" according to her. Well, I guess the "trial" worked out well! because it has proven to be permanent.
When she left she told me she needed some space. She needed to be with herself to work on her and to spend some real time with her two sons whom she felt she had neglected for most of their life.
I think it took her all of 5 minutes alone....if in fact it hadnt started before the seperation....for her to be "dating" someone from AA.
This tore me up. It gave me so many opportunities to take her inventory. By then I had just enough Al-anon in me to be dangerous! I saw how she wasn't working her program at all. I would hear her speak sometimes at a recovery function about how good things were going for her....12th step call this...blah, blah, blah...and all I could think was phoney!!! You havent waited the suggested year before making life changes. You went into another relationship..you are still putting your needs before your children..and you havent made amends to me yet either! How do you call that working a program????
I was talking to someone in AA once, mentioning some of these things, especially about making amends and they told me something along the lines of she never will make amends, because she doesnt believe she owes any. I was her problem in her mind, not vice a versa.
Welp ya know, that sorta hit home. I realize now that me spending time taking her inventory or waiting for her to come to me to make amends is, quite simply, non-productive.
My time is much better spend taking my own inventory, owning my stuff and working my side of the street. When I am focusing on what I perceive to be someone else's shortcomings, I am living in those shortcomings, even when they are free from them! Sheese! Does that statement work in writing? Because in my head I understand it perfectly!
You are in the middle of it right now. If you keep working this program, (do those steps!) you will begin to see daylight on the other side.
It is a bright and shiney day that awaits you my friend!
(((Serendipity))) I think David's words are brilliant. Both U & I need to pay heed to his insights. When he said "My time is much better spent taking my own inventory......etc. he is showing me (us) a way out of my own crazy thoughts that are totally nonproductive. Thanks David! Hopefully in recovery P.S. I think when we take our own inventory we shouldn't forget to include the positives!
because it has proven to be permanent. 
I saw how she wasn't working her program at all. I would hear her speak sometimes at a recovery function about how good things were going for her....12th step call this...blah, blah, blah...and all I could think was phoney!!! You havent waited the suggested year before making life changes. You went into another relationship..you are still putting your needs before your children..and you havent made amends to me yet either! How do you call that working a program????