The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am better but still this feeling inside me persists. I wonder when it will lessen? When I think I am choosing to turn my mind to something else, I feel like I am denying what I am feeling, what I am going thru. It is a real, physical feeling. And when I think of him telling me he is in love with this other woman, my brain catches fire. Exactly the same feelings I had when our 3rd daughter was 5 weeks old and I found out about his first affair. I am better because I am functioning, before i didn't. But the feelings are exactly the same. And what does this mean anyway? Do I really still love this man? This man who has tried to kill me, says he's in love with someone else, who has cheated, lied, stolen, physically abused me, financially ruined us. It can't be love, can it? Is it simply control on both our parts? Co-dependency at it's worst? When will I start to feel better? I need to stop the crying because I am REALLY unattractive when I cry--swollen,blotchy face...you get the idea. Even when I change my focus from him or even from myself, the physical feeling exsists. I'm starting to wonder if I have doen permenant damage to my heart, like it might really be broken. Oh now I feel like I am over exaggerating. You people have been thru heartbreak and everything I am describing. I have been thru it too but I don't remember how long it took to get thru it. I really don't because I went back to just make the pain stop. And this time I don't have that option. He is gone--moved on. So how do I deal with me, love me when I feel so filled with despair. I have the gratitude, I see all the really awsome things that are happening in my life but still I am stuck with this feeling.
Hi S, I know the feelings you are describing very well, what I don't know is how to make them stop, I have those same old feelings too and I am still living with my A, maybe it is the same for us both, that we have to accept that the person we chose to love cannot love us the way we would like them to, maybe that is our problem, that we cannot accept that thier love didn't equal our's for them.
I don't know how you come to accept this either, that is where I am at, every time I think I am making progress an ugly ism rears it's head and I am left bewildered as to what to do next.
For now I try to keep as busy as I can, I know it's difficult because your mind wants to take you back and replay and rewind stuff over and over, and in the end we think it was our doing and beat ourselves up, it isn't us S, it's the illness, and as hard as it is, if you only do one small thing in a day, that has nothing to do with him then you are making progress. Try to be around people too upbeat peeps, I'm sure this too shall pass, take care. katy x
You're not to deny your feelings. They are real. There just comes a time that you have to choose how long you want to live in that feeling. Only you'll know when you are ready to move out of that and into the new life that's waiting for you. Keeping busy helps -- it doesn't take it away, but it prevents it from becoming all consuming.
You are allowed days/times where it does consume you, we've all had them. I've just found that it hurts worse to stay where I'm at than it does to push slowly forwards. Then all of a sudden there is a day you can look back see how far you've come.
Even though you are divorced, you feel you are losing everything you knew as "normal" -- whether it was healthy or not, it was semi-consistant ... predictably unpredictable, LOL. Now even that has changed. What an adjustment...especially to the heart.
I'm just here to tell you, you are going to make it to the other side. It's beautiful over here -- just keep moving forward.
I went to group family counseling last night, one of the things they said was "Get Busy, Get Better." The more I thought about it, I think that is right on. They said for the alcoholic -- when you get the urge to drink, think of something else, call your sponser, go to a meeting -- anything to get your mind out of that place at that moment. I think the same holds true for us too. You are absolutely right, it is not love you are feeling. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think you are suffering because of an addiction to chaos. The chaos that the A has put you and your children through, while not normal, became normal to your family.
After My husband came home from detox, he was doing really really good. I was still bitching all the time. I had to step back and be like -- okay, he is actually not being the a-hole he has been so why are you still acting like this. I think I had to learn how to be happy again. You can do it, I know you can. Put all your energy into your children, your home and anything else that makes you happy. I hadn't read a book in years and last weekend I read a whole novel and it was great. I know these activities may sound mundane, but I believe this is where your work and your program begins.
Just wanted to give you hugs and say this too shall pass. Everyone that has posted has hit it on the head. LOL. I do believe that we need time to grieve especially when someone you love is gone, whether there and A or not. Luna said it best give yourself a time frame on how long you need to feel that pain in a day, then get busy to get better. I am very familiar with that constant ache even when you try to get busy, one day you will look back and realize you don't feel that ache when your busy. Take it one day at a time. We are here for you.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is very difficult to feel our feelings and not use those old unhealthy behaviors to "camoflauge" the pain. It does hurt, but like others have said, we can make the decision to not let the hurt, pain and despair control our lives.
We can try to get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say "Today, you are worthy of a smile and a little make-up" To act as if, "Fake it til ya make it" - even if we don't feel it yet. Yes, you will still have moments of heartache. You will probably still have tears, anger and frustrations. You can still have those feelings. You can allow yourself some time for that, but also set some goals for time for laughter, set a date for a Happy Moment too.
You are not stuffing your feelings, just allowing the other emotions to come thru too - Just making sure that Pain doesn't become the Ruler of your life.
You get to be in charge of you and your choices. So maybe tonight you can watch the sad movie, have the good cry, wrap up in the favorite nightgown and give yourself comfort.
Then tomorrow, wash your face, brush your teeth & hair. Go out and greet the day. Put on your best outfit, Enjoy the beauty of the world. Look for the things that make you Smile. Dedicate a day to only happy things. When the sad feelings come it - put the brakes on -say "Whoa, you don't have a spot on my schedule today - sorry see you on another day" Give yourself a break from the pain. Call a happy friend and go try on goofy mixed matched outfits, go to a zoo, a Water Park, wherever is a Happy Place for YOU.
Of course, now, these are only suggestions. These are just some of the things that were suggested to me - They helped me then, they help me now. My wish is that they also help you.
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi, I am new to this forum. My husband went to rehab less than 2 weeks ago and my husband and the facility has caused my stomach to stay in knots. Within the first few days the facility called with 23 questions they wanted answered. I answered them honestly and best to my ability. Two days later they called and stated the teenage boys and myself needed to change our schedules (work) and participate in the Weekend Family program (he was there less than a week). First they promised the boys can have a session with their father then it was yanked. Upon their arrival they changed it there program because they wanted to see how the boys would interact with their father. They then decided I would have my "joint counseling" on mother's day. I vetoed that idea stating it was an important day for me and the kids. I told them I believe it would be better for my husband to participate in their program for at least 21 days before we had a joint session because then he MAY understand what I have been going through for the past 22 years with his drinking, his silence, his anger, my lonliness, my hurt, etc. I also believed I needed this time for me to concentrate on myself for me to work through any resentment, hurt, wants, needs, etc. so I can start looking after myself without feeling guilty. The counselor states the program is for my husband not for me. Oh well, I have 2 little girls who are looking forward to having their mother spend time with them - is that so wrong??
I spent 2 hours visitation with my husband last Sunday after the family program and he states, "I'm sorry - now we can go forward." My mind starting spinning. Wait - what happened to him understanding what his alcoholism has done to me, to the family, himself. He further states now we don't need the joint session. I told him we do he states he is worried I can't handle it. I know I can handle it - what is he hiding??? I want a counselor to help us start talking about this - Is this wrong?? Why does the alcoholic get to just say I'm sorry when he is only stating yeah my drinking caused problems?? Doesn't he need to know what they are?? Am I confused?? Am I being selfish?? Am I expecting to much?? If I am not confused then how does his not drinking make the marriage any better?? How does he really better himself if he doesn't face what drinking has done. Does he realize the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse he has caused me and the kids??
With all these questions after spending time with him after the first week - I believe he needs to spend more time really thinking, feeling, and learning to go before a joint session with me and coming back home expecting well I went to rehab - I'm okay.
Someone please make sense of this.... I don't want to yell at him or downgrade him, I just want him to understand the hurt he has caused so he can be aware not to continue to do so. Is this so wrong?? If he isn't aware of it then - how can he truly say he loves me, cherishes me, understands my needs and wants (right now there are very few), etc. Won't the cycle of denial continue for him??
For the first joint session - what should be the most important thing we should first discussed??
I am a type of person who is optimistic and usually lets things go but if he doesn't know then how does he not do it again and how do I not allow someone who I love hurt me like that again?? How do I trust him again that he won't walk mentally or physically again. I know deep down I deserve to be treated better but I still love him enough to try again. But how do I start to trust him without looking for the manipulation??
