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I'm new to alanon & don't know much. My A is functional (never misses work) & in denial. However, he keeps a bottle in his car so he can manage the 20 min. ride home before he does some serious drinking. (he gets off at 3:00) He works 4 days a week so he has 3 days he can start drinking at 9 a.m. (It's 5 o'clock somewhere, is his mantra) If I don't ride in the car with him I end up staying home & I have NO social life. He wants to go to the race track for the Kentucky Derby Sat. Do I go? Not a very safe place to be as his other weakness is gambling. I haven't gone anywhere for months. However, if I don't go he goes anyway. I'm tired of staying home but need some suggestions of how to handle this. Thanks, Hope
The decision of course is yours to make but I can give you some things that I think about when I try to decide if I want to join the A's in my life in a social activity.
1. Am I prepared to be around them if they drink? 2. If they drink, can I still relax and enjoy the event? 3. I am prepared to "hang-out" with the friends that usually are at this event? 4. If their drinking become out of control, do I have a Plan B?
And # 4 - is my most important question. If I do decide to go, for me, I must have a safety net. My own vehicle that I can leave at any time, or money to call for a cab, or a trusted friend that I can call to come pick me up, and extra "safety" cash in my hidden pockets in case I need something and my A has left me deserted again.
It is difficult starting a new social life without the A and reaching out for your own friends, but hopefully as time goes on you will be able to do so - Doesn't mean that you can't still go places with your A, but at least it will open up your options and then you wouldn't feel like going somewhere with him is the only opportunity for you to get "go somewhere".
Whatever you decide, I pray that you are able to have a pleasant, relaxing and safe time.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I, too, can't help you with your decision however is there any public transportation where you live?
Can you make plans for yourself? Can you get together with a friend for lunch or a movie or go to a park or get to an Alanon meeting where you can meet new friends and begin your path to recovery or anything that you like to do?
With boundaries, I always try to examine my motives. Am I doing X so that the A will do Y? If so, it's not a good plan for me. But I am doing X because X is right for me, then I can keep my boundary.
We learn in Alanon that boundaries are useless unless we are prepared to keep them.
I hope this helps. I always like a Plan B. Choice is freedom for me.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Welcome to the MIP family. So glad you are with us. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ).
Rita has given you a really great start. The only thing I can add from experience, is that boundaries aren't going to do you any bit of good if you aren't prepared to stand by them. I could say no drinking in the house and dump out his vodka (like that stopped him) but I he was still here. They always find a way to get more. Last year at this time, I had had enough with AH. He's a chronic relapser, and I was not prepared to live that way. I told him to leave and made it clear that he couldn't come home unless he had at least 90 days sobriety. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It didn't mean that I stopped loving my husband. But I knew I couldn't live this way anymore.
Fast foward to this month, and he is approaching his 1 year sobriety mark. He has worked hard at this. But regardless of his sobriety/recovery I had to focus on my recovery. To me recovery is about taking back your life. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses it or not. It's about your quality of life.
When it comes to having no social life, there are plenty of things you can do to meet new friends. Get to a local Alanon meeting (face-to-face aka f2f), take an art class, etc. I have always been a hermit at heart. I could sit in the woods for hours and that to me is being social. I am also, like my A, very independent. I like being able to do my own thing. We do things together, but also like our space. Realize when you are feeling lonely, you only have to reach out here and to others. You'd be surprised what will happen.
I have always wanted to go to the Derby. I had a friend who owned a restaurant and she would close the place down and we do a Derby party, complete with big hats and mint juleps(virgin too). We never bet but we would have so much fun. If you don't want to go, throw your own party. Or take the day to be alone, and treat yourself to a "JUST FOR ME DAY." Do what you love. Take time to relax, take a long bath, go shopping, spend the day in bed reading, or whatever else gives you pleasure. Sometimes being alone can be a great treat. Remember there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
). 
He has worked hard at this. But regardless of his sobriety/recovery I had to focus on my recovery. To me recovery is about taking back your life. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses it or not. It's about your quality of life.