(((((((((Serendipity))))))))

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly.There were times when I felt that my heart was shattered and I just couldn't find a morsel of strength in my body.I cried so much I could have filled a river.....and some!!!

When my A came home and told me he didn't have to bother about me because his AA sponsor had told him" Don't concern yourself about her...concern yourself with you...you can always get another wife!!!!" I was in shock. HOW could AA say that to him?? I was openmouthed and shaking with anger and hurt. I HATED AA with a passion. I encouraged A to go to AA and they tell him this???? What sort of help was that????

When I quizzed his sponsor about that remark some months later,after A relapsed yet again,and abandoned AA.............sponsor told me that A was being a typical A and only telling me half the truth. What he had actually said was " Don't concern yourself about her.........she isn't the one with a drink problem. Concern yourself about YOU........Concentrate on sobriety,you can always get another wife........you can't get another life."  he explained that he meant that unless he worked on himself,he'd be dead!! And me being around or not would be irrelevant.He also told me that my A felt a tremendous pressure because of ME! He was angry and hurting that he wasn't stepping up to the plate,couldn't support me,couldn't look after me,and the pressure of that alone was killing him. He couldn't see a way out,and drinking himself into oblivion was his way of escaping the responsibility and pressure,and trying to bury the sense of failure and hopelessness he felt.

Sponsor told me the best I could do for A was to leave him and let him hit bottom on his own. It seemed to me that I was damned if I did,and damned if I didn't. Either way, over the years we'd tried both ways and neither seemed to work because sooner or later, A felt a miserable failure and picked up again. Or tried to run before he could walk and got himself knee deep in crazy schemes to start his own business,and went on a bender when it became obvious that he didn't have the skills or the finances to carry through. I was permanently a mess,living on tenterhooks,embroiled in all the craziness,worrying non-stop about how sick HE was,making myself even sicker.

A and I have been apart now for almost 15months.He has bounced around all over the place since then. We only recently started speaking again. He is working his first proper job in over four years,and has been sober since Feb 23rd(the first  sober period since we split).He tells me he understands so many things now,and he doesn't want to go backwards again.Says his life has been hell,and I had no idea what he goes through. I'm sure I don't,but then my life hasn't been a barrel load of laughs either. I'm getting stronger every week. He has no pressure,is living with his neice,and for the first time in years,has some hope of a future.It's early days yet.Unless he is committed to his sobriety it could all end in a flash.He wants me to go and stay with him for a while...I have refused. He knows why!! And,for the first time,he hasn't argued with me about it or tried to talk me round. He knows now that he CAN'T talk me round. I know the mistakes I made before wanting so much to believe in him,and getting hurt and hurt all over again and again.I'd have walked on fire and hot coals to be with him!!!Now I have to believe in myself. I have often wished I found this wonderful MIP site years ago,I've learned so much,but still feel like I am a baby learning to take her first steps all over again.

I didn't have an Alanon programme before,now I have the tools I need and I USE them. To protect ME. I also know that I am not yet strong enough to see him or meet with him. I can work my programme the best I can on my own,and with the love,help and support of my fellow ((alanuts)) here.....and he has to work his the best he can. I have no idea if we will ever be more than just friends from hereon in.I can love him with all my heart from this distance....and keep praying that he will find his own way to sobriety. But I CANNOT and WILL NOT put myself back into living with active alcoholism again.It's taken me such a long time to understand the true meaning of detaching with love.

All the feelings you are having now are completely natural. Grief,hurt,anger,pain,confusion and those seemingly never ending questions rolling round your head and ripping out your heart. 

I don't have a straight jacket to lend you....I think I bust the straps on mine trying to struggle free??????????? .......but I CAN send you a cyberhuggle full of love and warmth to surround yourself with. 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Chris.
 
 

((((((((Serendipity))))),

I'm sorry that you are hurting.  Truthfully I have never been in AA groups where I have heard them tell a member to leave the family and treat them like dirt.  Perhaps what is going on, as he finds his sobriety he's changing and realizing that you don't belong together.  It is not uncommon for people who find their sobriety to realize this, especially if you've only known them when they are active.  It maybe easier to blame AA than realize that there maybe other things going on. 

What I am saying as he's changing in his recovery.  His first year of recovery isn't easy. The focus has to be on himself.  At this point it maybe easier for him to let go of the past, rather than deal with no issues at this time and place.  I'm not saying it justifies his behavior.  But it might explain it.

As for all this hate you have built up for him.  While I can understand where it's coming from, it's wasted energy.  All this hate you have built up for him, let it go.  Take the nasty, time comsuming, sole eating emotion and turn back into something positive.  If you hate your A this much, do you really want to let it eat you alive? Because hate will do that.  I have experienced it myself.  Trust me, it is not worth the time and energy.  Furthermore, if you feel this way about the A, do you really want things to change? Do you want him back? Don't you deserve more than having someone in your life who treats you like this? Don't the kids deserve it to? Tough questions to ask.  Even harder to answer honestly and truthfully.

Time to take that hate and turn into some selflove.  You deserve better.  You deserve your recovery.  But if you want it, you have to take it and work it.  Like his sobriety, he may want it, but if he doesn't do the legwork, it's not going to happen.  Your recovery is the same way.  If you want to start feeling better, than start taking the steps necessary to get there.  Get to some meetings, find a sponsor,start working the steps,  start changing you.  Because it isn't going to happen if you don't start taking those baby steps.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

(((((((Serendipity)))))))

He's not working his program, hon. He's just working the system, distorting it to his own agenda. Of course he's not telling you the truth. He's telling you half truths and fabrications to get his way. Thats a dry A. He's sober, but still pulling the same old ****. Mine did too for quite awhile. I think they all do to some degree. I had to remind myself that just because he's sober, doesn't mean he knows how to interact with people on a healthy, honest level. Mine had been taught these things as a child. He's not going to suddenly become honest or less manipulative as soon as he's sober.

I just tried to work hard at my own program and not to enable his negative behavior. I tried to be honest with myself about my own involvement in how I allowed him to hurt me in the same ways over and over again.

He has slowly grown/found a conscience. Now he works hard most of the time to learn how not to lie and manipulate to get his way.

I also asked myself periodically if it was worth it. Do I really want to stay with someone who wants to hurt me? Somehow it helped.

Hang in there and work your own program. Try to detach from his negativity. Have faith that you'll make it through.

No one in AA would tell him it's okay to do what he is doing , and I agree he probably isn't telling them the truth at all.   In AA they accept him as he is , flaws and all  and if he can't be honest , he won't be sober long .  Don't blame AA for one mans attitude .   keep the focus on yourself you will be okay. 
AA 's main focus is to keep him sober == Period.  Honesty often takes awhile to g et to .