The material presented
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2 weeks ago I told him I'm leaving at the end of the school year because of his drinking, smoking and unemployment and constant borrowing money from his parents (almost monthly for 7 years - they need to stop - but they won't). Things I've said before but never followed through on. This time I mean it. I've had enough. My father passed away this past October and left behind a big 5 bedroom house (we are currently renting a small 3 bd townhouse). With AH's job situation right now there is no way we can apply for a mortgage to buy out my sisters (completely affordable in the real world). My sisters have offered to let me live in the house if I decide to leave him.
His reaction was to leave for 9 days. He came back last week and now everything is back to "normal" except his strategy is to smoke more pot because then he doesn't want to drink. A company he has been in contact with sent him an employment application and he told me he filled it out and sent it in last week. I found it yesterday in the trunk of his car. He did not send it in. Tonight at supper he was talking like he's going to be living with me and the kids this summer.
Well, sounds to me like he is using he past to predict the future - if you have said this type of thing before and not followed through, he is going to assume that the same thing will happen this time. He'll believe it once it happens, but even then, chances are you aren't going to get the reaction from him that you want. That's why you've gotta do what you do because it is the best thing for you - don't worry about what the effect on him is.
In a very real way, it is none of your business whether he drinks or not. Yeah, I know I know, but - the decision that matters is the one you made to no longer live with active alcoholism. Whether you get that by him being gone, or by him quitting drinking, YOUR end of it is the same - you are making a choice not to have that insanity in your life any more. Keep your eyes on that prize, and his denial just becomes sad, rather than infuriating. Doesn't matter if he gets it or not - YOU got it.
When I decided that living with active alcoholism was too much for me to take, I also made the decission that we would not live together as long as that was the case. That is a boundry I made to keep me safe.
The first thing I was told was a boundry is not a democratic thing. People don't have to like it, and many times won't.
What wonderful words from Lin - "Doesn't matter if he gets it or not - YOU got it."
Hang in there. You are doing great.
Take care of yourself, you are worth it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sounds like you have strong support system in your family. Let them help you! Seems your sisters see what you are going through. I think your plan sounds good. I know it is easier said than done, but try to follow through. If not only for yourself, but also for your children. They need a good example and leaving for 9 days and smoking pot isn't the way. You seem to have a good plan. Hang in there. Work your program and keep coming back here! Love and hugs,
My exA did the pot thing too. He convinced me that if he smoked pot he wouldn't need to drink. Of course this was not what happened. Instead his whole morning to evening was spent organising and partaking in his pot obsession. It wasn't long before he was drinking agian too. For him, it went with the territory. Very soon he was back on his path to destruction.
You seem to have a supportive family behind you. You are lucky. You have support for any choices you have to make.
Thank you. I do have really supportive family and friends. It's always been really hard for me to accept help. I've come to realize that I need to let people help me through this. I've been really open with them. I can no longer harbor his secrets. His parents have even told me they'd support any decisions I would make. I have a really super relationship with them. I don't think he's said anything to them about me telling him I'm leaving. I really want to let his parents know. I'm having a hard time trying to do that. One one hand I feel that it's none of their business and on the other hand they've been really supportive (financially and emotionally) that I feel like if I let them know what's been going on the past two weeks I will feel better.
Yes, at this point I'm just sad when I look at him. He really isn't going to be happy come mid June and I know that isn't my problem. It makes me sad. Especially for the kids. The pot obsession is maddening. He has a friend who is sober but still smokes and he thinks that he can do that too. Poor role model.
My mantra has been "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
