people pleasing person - Al-Anon Family Group

RainyJamie · Senior Member

people pleasing person

bcanuck · Senior Member

Hi Jamie,

If my suspicions are correct, I'd say most, if not all of us here are "people pleasers". Why else would we put up with what we do? I don't think being a people pleaser is such a bad thing, but yes it can lead to people walking all over you, taking advantage, and even bullying. As long as you love your work that must help some at least.

Have a great day!

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yup, Bonnie says it well. I fit the 'profile' too, having chosen nursing as a career (ya think?). I've been told I have an unusual amount of patience too. Since I went to Alanon with my mom after my dad got sober (I was fifteen), I felt I was 'weak' and wimpy, a pushover, too eager to please, too soft. I didn't like myself as a young person anyway, and I was very unhappy being such a nice person.

When I was in therapy about ten years ago, the therapist told me out of the blue he thought my 'compassionate nature' and willingness to care for others was a beautiful thing, and more people like me would be a good thing. I'd never, EVER considered my softness and self effacement were a GOOD thing! It stuck with me forever, what he said, and I'm so grateful I could hear it.

In the meantime, I must manage my natural tendencies, because as you put it so well, RJ, it can easily lead to overly involved codependent behavior on my part. As I get older and less inclined to feel needy myself, I've found strength in setting boundaries but also found joy in being a caretaker kind of person.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

To me I see it as a healthy outlet for an aspect of my personality - I work at a daycare. It's a way to satisfy that need of mine, without doing any harm, to me or to the, um, recipient of my people pleasing. (I"ve also been a waitress, now that I think about it....) When you do this as a job, as long as you keep some perspective, (which is usually pretty easy, because you are just too busy to obsess over any one person or detail) other people get the benefit of your people pleasing, without it making them dependent or callous (because they are paying for it, and because it is spread out among all of your clients) and you get some benefits too - a living, for one. Yet another way of making lemonade out of those lemons.

-- Edited by lin0606 at 23:51, 2007-05-01

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Jamie))),

I was/am a people pleaser too. It was only when I realised my codependancy that I realised how bad I was. I genuinely thought it was good to always help people, to give that bit extra. It made me feel better about myself somehow.

But now, in recovery I am beginning to see that it was not as good as I thought, for me. The reality for me was that I was desperate to be accepted, liked, praised. I didn't realise this at the time.

This was/is because of my own low self esteem. ( I realised this in recovery.This too was a shock to me)

I had to work really hard on boundaries and taking time for myself. I am still learning how to do this. Reading and learning about codependancy helped me a lot.

Yours in recovery
AM

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Jamie,

So many of our traits, people-pleasing, compassion, helpfulness, etc. CAN be good things taken in moderation.

For me, I had to learn that wonderful word called "Balance" Stop going from A to Z in everything. For all compassion to zero compassion - find a happy medium.

Some days I can be a little more people-pleasing, some days I know that I don't have it to give - the days I don't have it - I know it is ok to take care of me - Just try to balance it out.

Peace,
Rita

RainyJamie · Senior Member

Yeah, I can see how this people pleasing is not all bad, but that it can get out of control. I want my coworkers to find me useful and appreciate me (I am still reletively new) and that ends up with me working through my breaks while they go home. I sulk about how I don't feel appreciated. I don't remember how long it's been since I switched shifts, ( http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727&p=3&topicID=11163928 ) but things have not gotten much better. I don't want to change anything (schedule wise) because I don't want people to be unhappy with me. I want to talk to a supervisor, but I know it will go around to everyone. I feel like I've dug myself another ditch.
Jamie

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