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Well husband is scheduled to go to court on Monday and I'm pondering going to see him since this is also visiting day. I know I know tiger...quit rubbernecking...but I just can't seem to help myself. I'm curious I want to know I want to hear all the sordid details. I'm half way moved on but the other half is still stuck. I don't feel like I am obsessing at all, but I am so curious as to who he could have kidnapped...what's going to happen to him...(I'm envisioning lots of prison time and ok with that at this point)...It's not that I don't have anything better to do because certainly I could find something. It's not that I'm obsessed, I am intrigued. The chaos is still appealing so long as I'm not in the middle of it.
Realistically, I know that if he gets out I have some potential of getting some kind of support (they should have survivor benefits for kids and spouses of people in prison just like if they were dead). Honestly I think he's gonna be gone for a good long time and coming to grips with what I already knew that I will be supporting three kids totally on my own from now on. I'm starting classes in a few weeks to get some prereqs done in the science/math realm which I am completely lacking. I am seriously considering applying to a PA program in Eastern NC in a year or so. I must make at least 2x's the money I make now in order to continue supporting 3 kids. I realize this now and am taking steps to make that happen.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I would have to know too! With kids involved too, I would need to know what is going on should he get out and think that he would see or take the kids. You never know!
You sound really good otherwise. I know it is hard money-wise without any support, but it is better for you in the long run. You will gain pride in yourself from doing it alone. Also, if there is no one there saying "but I pay you child support!" you hold all the cards.
You sound like you are on the right track going to school. I work full-time and am currently taking classes as well and I know my kids really really respect that. You are being a tremendous role model for them. Keep up all your hard work. It will really pay off!!
Of course you want to know. There's a reason PEOPLE MAGAZINE has a long standing publication standing....and a deep sense of eternal enemies within the community of entertainment. I recall an education class I took awhile ago about "signals." The thesis of the class was "Actions speak louder than words." We were charged with, over the course of the 10 weeks, to identify the "signals that were educating us that were NON verbal." Our results? By putting the student bookstore in direct contact with the student cafeteria, mail room, and cofee shop, the university realized that students were, at a level, a financial comodity. There was money to be made THROUGH students spending money and BECAUSE of students spending money. Additionally, why not make it CONVENIENT FOR students to spend money by putting a MONEY MACHINE near the facilities? By putting the core education facilities--specifically, the humanities and sciences--at polar opposite ends to the student facilities and living areas, the university made it more difficult for students to GET an education after PAYING for an education. The university was more than happy to have things like the mail room, the cafeteria, the book store, et cetera near the dorms--by not the classrooms. The university was setting an example that their core mission--to educate students--was not as significant to the university as money. By setting athletic facilities next to bars and living facilities, the university was sending the signal that they not only EXPECTED us to drink at the athletic events, they INVITED us to. They were PREPARED for us to, and WANTED us to spend OUR money AT the athletic events and AFTER at the bars. ****By showing up at the court room, YOU ARE SENDING A SIGNAL. You become upset that he consistently talks about the relationship that doesn't quit, you become upset that the kids miss their dad, YET you SHOW UP at these events. YOU ARE SENDING A SIGNAL. YOUR ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. You are sending a MIXED MESSAGE when you say "I don't want a relationship" and then SHOW UP at court. Either PICK YOUR MESSAGE or STOP.****
I hear what Tiger is saying. But I think our feelings get involved and we feel that we HAVE to do certain things. And when I am in that place in my head, nothing can convince me to NOT do what it is I feel I need to. True love, obsession, habit whatever it is I can justify doing just about anything. To myself. When I come here or to meetings and say it out loud, I hear what I need to. I get support with me, whatever I decide. I get real unconditional love here. There is probably so much you will feel you need to get real closure on this relationship and if going to see him, hear the details will give you some sort of closure than do it. I would doubt that he will give you the truth, maybe the courts will but he will spin it. He might give you some truth just so that you'll get snared but for the most part he will most likely lie to keep you hanging on. Ofcourse I say this because of my own experiences with my ex and his run ins with the law, prostitutes, drug dealers, etc. Take what you like.....I think that whatever it is you feel you need to do you should do. Only you know what you will be comfortable with in the future. This is where you are right now. That is OK. There is no shame in where you are right this minute. How could you possibly be anywhere else? Just remember whatever you do take care of you first. I know you know that. You are doing great. You really are. It's your life so live it!
I understand the desire to know what's going on, but you can probably accomplish that without a "visit". Just showing up for the hearing - the formal part of it - would give you some idea. That's what I'd do if it were me. I think you have a right to know the facts without having to endure a "visit" and all that entails.
Ya know what I think? Well, I think that going to court may possibly be a way for you to obtain closure on your relationship. Not to mention that you will get a lot of facts and truths to your A's situation that you may not otherwise be able to obtain. Especially if your only source of information would be from the horse's mouth.
If I were in your shoes, I am 99% sure I would be attending court that day. I would be curious to know what he had done and what will become of his future because of his actions. Granted curiosity killed the cat and it would probably break my heart hearing horrible things about the man I love(d) so dearly but not knowing would eat me up inside also. I reckon it is a double edged sword.
My advice to you is this: Search yourself and do whatever you think is right for you. No one can tell you what you need more than you can. If knowing all the details helps you sort through your life and get set in the right direction for a more positive future, then go for it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good Luck. Sincerely, QOD
Being a woman with three children and doing it alone at one point, I KNOW I would go and see what happend. I agree that it could be good closure. Maybe you'll think "My gawd, I'm so glad I'm done with him". For his sake I hope he doesn't have kidnapping on his record especially with children. Just by your post you sound like your distant from him which is good. I don't want him to talk to you and sucker you in to helping him, that worries me. Good luck. If you go..........I want details. :) (sorry I'm nosey) xoxox
I completely understand what would make you want to go. He is sick, he is an A, and your husband.
just becuz you choose to not be around the disease, not let it tear you up anymore, does not mean you do not care, or you are not curious. HE is your kids father.
You make your own decision and do not feel bad abou it. You bet I would go. Right or wrong.
When I imagine my A and me in your situation (not too hard, he's been gone for almost two weeks now), I don't think I'd want to see him at all, but I'd want to know what he did and who he did it to and how, for your same reasons, and I'd be posting and struggling like you.
In my 'fantasy' of your situation being my own, I'd want to know the details so I could ram home just what kind of chaos and old night he was capable of, in hopes that would give me a kind of closure . . . that I wouldn't second guess my decision when all I could seem to do was miss him and remember all the good times.
My first reaction is like Tiger's . . . I just knee jerk want to protect people, just like the rest of us. It's so easy for us to see the other side, because we're not emotionally involved with your A. But I like what Deb said, we love ya no matter what you do and will be here to share your experience! Kiss those kids and have a great evening.
Well, I may be wrong here, but maybe you could make some calls and find out:
I think court proceedings are public record. So you should be able to get a transcript of everything that was said (you might need the docket number) without actually going.
If you find this is true, yet you still want to go, maybe that tells you a little bit more about your motivation, like maybe, it really isn't completely about finding out for yourself, but partly about being sure he sees you and is reminded how rotten he is.
It also occurs to me that often, the first court hearing is nothing more than a 3-sentence okay, we'll postpone this till week. Is that worth driving down for?
And finally - I really hesitated before saying this, but I don't want to be right, and have you never even hear of the possibility until you're sitting in the courtroom, if you decide to go ....... it seems to me that taking a minor across state lines may be classified as kidnapping in at least some jurisdictions. So depending on the circumstances, he may actually be lucky he's getting charged with kidnapping instead of statutory r*p*. Are you SURE you want the details on this?
