The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two weeks ago my friend called me from the airport talking for an hour... so clear & happy to come home; telling me about all the transformations he wanted to undergo; talking about implementing changes to make the world a better place; excited about exploring meditation & meta-physics; hopeful about the future & enthusiastic.
It's been 13 days. A week after picking up & using again, the disease ever ready to place them right back where they were before you ever had sobriety, it doesn't miss a beat. It picks up right where you leave it, no slow progression, you are slammed right back in the darkest place you ever knew. Has no regard whether they have 13 months or thirteen years of sobriety.
The killer too is that is tells the A's, 'you're not hurting anybody & if you are it's only yourself' what a lie, it's killing them & everyone around them that knows them, cares or loves them becomes victimized too. It robs, abuses, hurts everyone around them. They aren't martyrs, they're taking the whole ship down.
And there's nothing you can do but watch this slow avalanche take them down in self destruction, abuse, degeneration, guilt & shame, a slow suicide. Love them, pray for them, forgive. A disease so easily put into remission with sobriety & so easy to have fully blown right back on the path of the cycle of addiction.
I've been crying & unable to sleep for a week, it really hurts. All we want is for them to see how wonderful they are... but the disease sits on their backs with it's talons in their hearts, like a vampire sucking out their souls. And the soul slaughter continues. ugh
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I only have a moment, but I had to give you a hug and let you know I care. The disease is so destructive, and so appearant when that happens. It makes it so easy to see the difference between the person and the disease when the light switch flips and they fall into that pit.
You don't have to jump in with him. As you have told me many times, that is a choice. Please choose to take care of yourself, he has a HP which will hold his hand until he is ready to climb back out of that pit. The good news is he has done it once... he knows the path, he will just have to choose to take it.
Take care of you, you are worth it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I once heard a speaker at an Al-Anon convention say that just as the disease is constantly haunting the A's begging them to come back it also calls to us to come back it's unhealthy way of life.
Yes, I can so relate to what you are going thru, I see the disease take a strong hold of my loved one, cunning, baffling & powerful - oh & lest we forget the denial that is encompassed in every part of their life.
But, gratefully there is a but - we, you, I and others here don't have to go back with them - We can stay focused on ourselves. Let Go & Let God, Let it Begin with Me & focus on the Next Right Thing.
Now, of course, this does not mean we don't weep or feel the pain - we must. For if we stuff this agony, it will harm our bodies emotionally, physically, or spiritually. As we say, it will come out sideways.
((Kitty)) I hope so much that you are able to give yourself tons of self-care, extra doses of recovery thru meetings, posting, reading literature, service work & other healthy actions and most of all remember our futures are not limited by our daily despair. Hope you can trust in the promise that no matter what you & your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK.
Just my e,s, & h in dealing with a recent relapse - hope it helps to know you are not alone.
Wishing you peace & a good night's rest, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
ugh
