The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It says a lot about us. When we become adults, most of us have a choice when it comes to our friends. We don't chose our family, but as adults we DO have the option as to which members of the family we spend time with... and which ones we avoid. I *do* believe in playing favorites when it comes to how people treat me. I used to always worry what everyone thought of me. I surrounded myself with judgemental people, always seeking their approval. And rarely getting it, or if I did, it was fleeting.
In my program, I have found people who were blunt and brutally honest with me when the situation called for it. That is different from being deliberately mean or critical. And there are some who were helpful and kicked me in the ass when I needed it, but later on I found out they were only interested in ass-kicking. So I think of them as "professionals"... and go to them when their services are required. Hey, I don't hang out with my dentist in between appointments... LOL.
My new girlfriend (not so new any more, going on 3 months!) has observed how many friends I have... and she has met many of my friends and family, and she likes them. Who I choose to spend time with says a lot about me, and she seems to think I have chosen wisely. When I gave up the notion of trying to please everybody, and stopped throwing good money after bad (money as a metaphor for my own soul-energy), my life got a lot better.
And my friends and family like my girlfriend too. I could not have planned this... it has been a long time coming, and I really didn't know it was coming. The last time I entered into a relationship, I lost myself in it. Perhaps less so than some people I've heard tell of it, but even while much of my external self remained the same, internally all my eggs were in one basket. I was skydiving and along came a girl who said here, hold my hand we'll use my parachute... so I cut mine loose and fell with her. This time, it's more like hey, this is fun isn't it... let's see if we can drift together when we open our chutes, and maybe land in that clearing over there. It is nice to be at this stage in a relationship, opening up to each other but finding myself intact at the end of the day.
Sure, I have anxiety and all that -- but it's familiar anxiety. It's there to remind me that there's always room for growth, and more faith and trust in my HP.
But to wrap this up... when I look at the people in my life, both in and out of AA and Alanon... they are there because I want them there, and I enjoy their company. I don't harbor expectations or resentments... even to a few in the program who have drifted away, that I have lost touch with. I'd like to have them back, but there is danger following them into the woods. I'll stay in the sun, and look for a hand to reach out if and when they want it.
That is a great post. How many of us are heartbroken by the state of our relationship with our A spouse, then choose to stick close to toxic friends? I bet a bunch, myself included until recently.
I keep in touch with some people that I consider very good friends, but some time ago I explaned to them that I needed some time to work on things and although they are very close to me, we always are surrounded by toxic people when we are together. It's the friends friends that I have an issue with.
I found I needed distance from that environment, and my friends have been great about it.
The good ones always are...
Glad you are in the sun today! Congratulations on your relationship, that has to feel great and you deserve to be healthy and happy!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for posting this. It is oh, so true! The friends we have are the family we could pick! Friends are so important in life. You have a great perspective on this! Thanks again!
And my friends and family like my girlfriend too. I could not have planned this... it has been a long time coming, and I really didn't know it was coming. The last time I entered into a relationship, I lost myself in it. Perhaps less so than some people I've heard tell of it, but even while much of my external self remained the same, internally all my eggs were in one basket. I was skydiving and along came a girl who said here, hold my hand we'll use my parachute... so I cut mine loose and fell with her. This time, it's more like hey, this is fun isn't it... let's see if we can drift together when we open our chutes, and maybe land in that clearing over there. It is nice to be at this stage in a relationship, opening up to each other but finding myself intact at the end of the day.
What a lovely post. I wanted to quote this particular part, which brought tears to my eyes, and then on rereading it, the entire thing is sustenance.
I, too, have chosen to let relationships go that are toxic. I used to feel really guilty about this - and get accused by the same people of being snobby and removed. I got over it! Thank God.
Life is such a miracle and a gift, and how wonderful it feels to surround ouselves with people who nourish our soul and help us to soar.
Thank you so much for this life affirming reminder!
That is a great post. How many of us are heartbroken by the state of our relationship with our A spouse, then choose to stick close to toxic friends? I bet a bunch, myself included until recently.
One thing about my marriage that I got away from quickly was the elements of my ex-wife's family and circle that I wanted nothing to do with. She was not an A herself but certainly had enough of them surrounding her, and was ever the fixer and enabler/controller. I used to only half-jokingly say that there should be an Alanonanon program for people who are affected by untreated codependents... LOL.
As some of you may have figured out, much of my Alanon program has been about recovering from my marriage. She didn't really beat me down or anything; when she met me, I had a pretty low self image. She built me up and then dropped me. I took an easy way through that process only to find I had to start all over and do it myself. And God's plan was for me to do that on my own, without a woman to put me on a pedestal all the while with her foot on the trap door lever.
Just wanted to say I'm so glad the relationship is still working well for both of you. I think that is awesome.
I agree about that "Alanonanon" program - sometimes I think I use to react more to untreated "Al-Anons" than I did to untreated "alcoholics/addicts". Today, I try, again TRY, not to react to either, but I sometimes let them affect my serenity.
Progress not Perfection - I'm working on staying in the clearing too - Don't want to go back to the woods!!
Again, so very excited that things are going well for you.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
